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Original poster

So how does someone 40 meet anyone decent?

232 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 10:41

Well, 39.
I've been single for 10 years. I've had times where I have done lots of dating and times when I have done none. I've had a tiny bit of real life interest that has come to nothing. I've made moves in real life and nothing.

I'm as happy on my own as I can be but would really like this to change.

I've tried going back online but I get turned off them so quickly and then there is no point as they are not what I want.

At this point it feels about as likely as winning the lottery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 12:36

I'm a huge foodie and would have reservations about dating a veggie or vegan . But it's not something that would be on my radar to start with as there are other issues way more important

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 12:43

If wouldn’t be on my radar too. But if someone mentioned it in their description I probably wouldn’t bother
Not to be too outing, but at some point in my life I would like to move into a career heavily involving meat!
It’s not quite the same as cooking a roast on a Sunday and making a separate vege option!
Lots of things are dealbreakers for different people
I also wouldn’t go out with anyone who bought cheap chicken, or didn’t care about how animals for slaughter are raised, because it’s a huge part of my life.
I did date someone who only bought value chicken (not because they had to, just didn’t care about conditions for chickens) and i just couldn’t do carry on with him. And I did mention it, he just thought I was being silly

Pavonia · 06/02/2018 12:44

So if we are going to insist that a potential match shares a particular hobby of ours, that is going to restrict the pool a lot! I think going to Smithfields to discuss meat is quite a niche interest.

What other deal breakers do people have?

Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 12:51

Smithfield was only an example of what I might do as a person really into meat! I don’t do it all the time!!
But yes I have now decided that after 10 years of being with someone with numerous food issues, I would like to be with someone that is as into food as me.
Maybe I am being too restrictive. But I guess as we get older we know what we want more.
Saying that. I couldn’t give a shit about height or weight or kids etc.

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 12:54

Pav The only dealbreakers for me were distance (I don't want a long distance relationship, been there before, I know it's not for me) being a non-smoker and not having children.

I never had any criteria regards height, hair colour, eye colour, things like that. I didn't set a criteria for body type as I have dated both curvy and very slim with no curves at all.

pudding21 · 06/02/2018 12:55

Personally, in real life or online dating, you need to go in with an open mind. Those desperate for relationships will scare other people away if they are not on the same page, same with those looking for just hook ups.

I think you need to know yourself well, and just take what life throws at you. I have found that I am attracting younger men, I don't know why, up to 10 years younger. I have kids, if it puts people off: their loss. It is difficult to find someone who is in the same life stage as you with the same circumstances. Anyway that would be boring.

You've had some great advice here, my advice which only recently clicked with me was to just live life and put myself out there. I am after all in control of my own destiny. I am 39, single one year, 2 kids. I am happy in my circumstances, a man would be in addition to that.

Good luck OP! 40's are the new 20's in my eyes!

dimots · 06/02/2018 13:08

I do think there is an issue with a lot of 40 something men.
I am mid 40s and OLD. I have not yet managed to get a date with a man over 40. I have dated younger men and at least some of those do want a relationship. All the older men I've matched with have been much more flaky. And they often disappear once they realise I have children, wheras the younger men don't.

dimots · 06/02/2018 13:11

I think a lot of men are set in their ways past 40. They have an image in their mind of what they want and discard anyone who doesn't fit.

dimots · 06/02/2018 13:14

As for meeting people through hobbies- I'm a single parent with a full time job and kids too young to be left in the evening - I don't have time for hobbies. If I have a date I get a babysitter or use my fortnightly free weekend, but I couldn't commit to a regular hobby.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 13:34

Dimots. Same boat here.

I think people don't understand when they suggest that.

Dd just turned 12. Mid point last year I finally committed to a once a month group. Sometimes it's been too much and I haven't made it. I still have to get a sitter for her and there is no way I could do that on a weekly basis.

Pudding, you might feel a bit differently when you have been single longer. It's all very exciting when it's new and those dates with guys 10 years younger boost your ego. But it wears thin after a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 13:38

As for dealbreakers.

They must be working and while they don't have to be weathly at all, they need to be in a job which lets them pay the bills and have a tiny bit left over.

They need to drive

They need to not be living at home.

If they have children they have to be paying for them, seeing them and taking an active part in parenting.

No smokers, drug users, gamblers or alcoholics.

Past that it's compatibility type things, interests and life style. I wouldn't go out with a gamer. I wouldn't go out with someone who likes to drink all weekend. I wouldn't go out with a edl member.

OP posts:
Pavonia · 06/02/2018 13:45

Pudding the cynic in me wonders if those younger guys are avoiding women their own age who haven't yet had kids because they aren't ready to settle down.

Sympathies Quiddich, it's impressive that you are trying.

Pavonia · 06/02/2018 13:48

Quiddich I just read your list. It seems reasonable. Some of it depends on where you live e.g. the driving, for me that is not an issue.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 13:50

I know some younger lads who say that they go for older women as it's easy pickings. Women straight out of relationships, with children are there to make it easy to get laid.

Bloody awful and I fell for it myself when I was newly single too. I just thought I was having fun and obviously hot stuff. Truth didn't quite match.

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Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 13:53

I live in a rural town with poor public transport facilities so it's important. I have dated several guys to see if it does matter, and it does. I end up feeling like their mum, picking them up and dropping them off or having to ask for petrol money. Neither of which is attractive or sexy.

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hadthesnip · 06/02/2018 13:57

I'm your man then Quiddichcup ! lol

Worked all my life, from age 16 to now (50)
have a good job (income c£60k pa)
own my own home & car
support my kids 3 kids (aged 11-14) who live with their mum & whom I see every other week
Don't smoke or gamble & only now drink when I go out.

However, I am a bit set in my ways & having been married twice before I'm not sure if I ever want to live with someone again - but never say never. I like my own space & I like sport (which is always a big thing with women on OLD) I am happy watching chickflicks and also happy listening to how you day has been & will have dinner waiting for you when you get in from work (I often work from home)

My only dealbreakers are that you have to be around my age as anyone much younger/older just don't get things I was brought up with, such as tv shows, music & general events. Also wouldn't date anyone who is flaxy or had issues (what I call "woe is me" types) and they must be British or at least had a British upbringing (again for what we have in common growing up)

What really gets me, having only been on here a couple of weeks, is the huge number of threads or posts that castigate men and generally see us a "the enemy" or worse. At the first sign of trouble the overwhelming advice is to "get rid" "leave him" "kick him out & leave his possessions on the doorstep" even though the man may have children with the woman. It seems that there a lot of bitter women & I fear it does seem to filter through to their profiles on OLD sites

Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 14:01

Hathesnip
I’ve seen so many bitter men old
Really worrying. My fucking evil ex wife kind of story!
So I don’t think it’s just women

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 14:18

And the bitter men, I've been on many dates that were just them ranting about their ex wives. I won't date anyone who is recently single now.

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Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 14:32

GOD no
I wouldn’t either.

tsonlyme · 06/02/2018 14:50

I had a first date with a guy who told me over coffee that his wife had kicked him out three days previously Confused And then he cried.

It’s a minefield for sure 😂

I’m 48 and met a 42yr old guy about 18months ago. The first six months were tricky but were pretty solid now. No idea how long it may last but can anyone say that?

tsonlyme · 06/02/2018 14:52

Btw - met him OLD, tinder in fact which I wasn’t expecting much from but there are some good ones out there, they’re just very good at hiding amongst the dross.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 14:56

3 days!!! I though one I had at 3 weeks was bad!!

I always ask how long they have been single quite early on. I was chatting to one in December who said a few months and he was living in the spare room. Jesus wept .

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 06/02/2018 14:57

I've been single on & off (mostly off) since 2012. I have a great job, lovely DC, plenty of hobbies but I never meet single men.

I am doing OLD and it is nearly killing me. I have to keep removing myself, because otherwise it sends me around the bend. I realise it is a numbers game but I can't help wondering how high that number will have to be. Just getting to a date is a tricky business & I'm quite happy for the date to be a coffee or quick drink - I'm not looking for a dinner invitation!

There are definitely loads of 'single' men out there, I get approached by plenty on OLD, but the ones that are even the tiniest bit suitable are incredibly few & far between. Suitable for me means; roughly my age (within 10 years either side), financially self-sufficient, able to communicate in English, not living with a parent (because at 45/50 that is not good), not from an extreme religious sect, not very weird looking (so no tattoos on their face, crazy wild long hair, multiple facial piercings), not morbidly obese, not ranting about their ex.

tsonlyme · 06/02/2018 15:02

Well my ex lived in the box room for eight months after we separated and I started dating during that time so I have some sympathy for people living in difficult circumstances but I probably wouldn’t have had any kind of serious relationship with a guy living in the box room Grin

I was exhausted by OLD in the end and became very jaded about it, stopped putting the effort in and eventually dumped the profiles. That’s when things took off with Mr42 but maybe I was just very lucky.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 15:32

Margo, I well and truly brought info the numbers game thing when I was new to dating but I don't think it's quite true. It's not a case that you need to go on x amount of dates or chat to x amount of men and it will bring you closer to the one. It's more pot luck.

I dabble on and off for the same reasons as you but haven't made it as far as an actual date in ages. Mostly I find if I chat to them for 2 weeks it all goes wrong and they say something Thats an instant red flag. And of course that is better than wasting time on a date but means I get no dates.

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