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Original poster

So how does someone 40 meet anyone decent?

232 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 10:41

Well, 39.
I've been single for 10 years. I've had times where I have done lots of dating and times when I have done none. I've had a tiny bit of real life interest that has come to nothing. I've made moves in real life and nothing.

I'm as happy on my own as I can be but would really like this to change.

I've tried going back online but I get turned off them so quickly and then there is no point as they are not what I want.

At this point it feels about as likely as winning the lottery.

OP posts:
Pavonia · 06/02/2018 06:43

hadthesnip what is your evidence that women ignore people who don't tick all their boxes or want Brad Pitt? I don't recognise that description of women our age, but maybe that is true of the women you choose to contact? How do you decide who to contact? Is there a specific box that you think you fail to tick?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 07:03

Hadthesnip- I don't recognise that either. I don't want brad pit. I want someone normal. And kind. And funny. Who is a grown up and not dome kind of man child. Thats all I want.

I prefer chunkier men. I've got a huge soft spot for Josh gad and Jack black.

I agree that is doesn't seem to just happen. I've been single so long and that gets spouted so much by people who haven't been single for decades. I've spent nearly 3 years not looking and I'm no further on than I was 3 years ago when I was.

I guess I was hoping someone had a magic answer and knew something I didn't.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 08:18

treedragon
Are you actually looking for women over 35!

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 08:21

Hunting Are you perpetuating the suggestion that men ONLY want to date women who are considerably younger than themselves?

I'm almost 44 and when I was online dating I would look for women up to 5 years either side of my age. Because the majority of my friends are within that same age bracket. My ex partner was 11 years older than I am but I don't wish to have such a large gap again.

0ccamsRazor · 06/02/2018 08:27

After running the gauntlet that is pof I joined a quiet site in line with my spiritual beliefs and interests. That was where I met my dh six years ago. So maybe finding a dating site that reflects your interests, hobbies or values?

NaiceBiscuits · 06/02/2018 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bixg · 06/02/2018 09:08

Helena I honestly think that men don't believe women who say they don't want children. I had problems with a couple of partners in my late 30's who honestly thought I would want children, especially 'at my age'. One even told me that he had heard that women went a bit mad if they didn't have kids Hmm This was the same guy who practically marched me to the chemist to get the morning after pill once, just to be sure that I didn't steal his sperm...

Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 09:15

ShatnersWig
No not at all! I was asking a specific question to a specific poster who said he didn’t realise there were so many super women looking that were over 35. I was wondering if he had set his limit at 35!!

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 09:19

Hunting Let you off then. Perhaps it would have been appropriate to ask that poster how old he was first? He may, for all you know only be 40 himself, in which case "looking" for someone 35+ would be perfectly "normal". Now, if he's 50+.....

Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 09:23

shatner, yes as soon as I posted I thought I should have asked his age. He did mention he was older earlier. But then I thought he might just mention it if he replied!!

hadthesnip · 06/02/2018 10:27

Pavonia & Quiddichcup - I had been on POF for far too long & after xmas I came off, changing my profile to show that I'd had enough. I'm 50, and set my parameters to meet women between the ages of 45 & 55, in a radius of 25 miles (POF's mapping goes about an extra 10 miles either way & as the crow flies) & filter out anyone who is thin or athletic as by any stretch of the imagination I am neither & don't expect a size 8 skinny to be interested in a 18 stone lardy.

I just find the parameters set by some women on there very restrictive, ie they are 5ft 8 & so you have to be 6ft because "I like to wear heels occasionally & I don't want to be towering over you" How often is that scenario going to happen - twice a year ?? Ronnie Corbett would never have married then !! or " You mustn't have kids because you wont be able to go away at weekends" (yes, these are actual things I've read in profiles i've had messaged back to me).

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 10:47

But you can message then anyway, see if they reply?
And I kind of think that if that's what they want in life then they aren't the person for me as it would be an awful and miserable relationship.

So I would steer clear of the ones showing that sort of thing and concentrate on the ones who show more of a lifestyle match.

I stear clear of the sport sport sport/ all the holidays/ nights out on the drink. That's not who I am and so we wouldn't get on.

I want someone who I am compatiable with. So I'm not going to be offended about what someone wants when they aren't what I'm looking for either. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
OntheAir · 06/02/2018 11:09

38 yr old man delving into OLD here and think Quiddich has answered her own question to an extent.

You've got a clear idea of what you're looking for (and what's not acceptable) so are fishing in a very restricted pool in the little free time you've got available.

There's no panacea and the only advice as above is to get yourself out there when you can through hobbies, and have a realistic expectation of what OLD is likely to throw up.

Good luck.

Pavonia · 06/02/2018 11:13

Hadthesnip the height thing seems to come up a lot. Do you genuinely not care how tall your partner is? How tall are you and who would you rule out based on height? I'm short so I don't consider anyone well over 6 ft, maybe that makes me shallow and it might be different if I met someone in real life but I think I just wouldn't feel comfortable.

I think you are wrong to screen out thin women, I don't think you can assume that they are less likely to want to date you than an average sized woman. That's not to say that being overweight isn't an issue when online dating, I think it is.

I've been rejected for having children (even though they are older teens and I am child free every other weekend) and also for being a vegetarian (I don't care what anyone else eats but apparently his last girlfriend was a vegetarian and he didn't want that again!), so I think men are just as bad as women, of course most people don't tell you why they are not interested.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 11:20

Ontheair- I think you are right. I have little expectation and usually bimble along just fine. The exasperation is occasional. Thankfully.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 11:24

Pav The height thing does seem to be a major factor for a large number of women. I've seen that A LOT when OLD and also from what female friends have told me. There are vast numbers of women who are 5ft 4, 5ft 5 and 5ft 6 who REFUSE to consider dating anyone under 6ft (average height for a man in the UK is 5ft 9). It seems to be a huge dealbreaker. Whereas I actually know very few men who actually care what height a woman is.

treedragon · 06/02/2018 11:27

@huntinginthedark

Yeah what’s wrong with that. Would be interested in my age range 35 to 45 at least. Not adverse to older or younger though if the connection is good.

I enjoy nature, music inc classical, bee keeping, holistic alternative therapy, yoga. I have never travelled but would like to explore that prospect. I also enjoy doing bits around my home.

But I do value my own time and company.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 11:42

Shatner, but really would you want to go out on a woman who rates men based on their height?
Like if that is their most important consideration?? Don't you want more than someone who wants that?

Maybe that's where I'm getting it wrong as I'm looking for an actual connection with someone?!

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 11:48

treedragon
I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it! I was just going to suggest if you’re upper age limit is 35 then you’re limiting yourself

I think all the restrictions are very hard, because you’ve got to put an age in somewhere...I opened mine up a bit recently. Not that it’s helped that much

I have to say, I don’t want to go out with a vegetarian, not that I care what others eat, but I eat meat and I love cooking, and want to share that experience. I have gone out with a vege in the past, and I didn’t find I could share my love of food as much. So I understand where that guy is coming from

Pavonia · 06/02/2018 11:56

Hunting imagine your soulmate is out there and he's perfect in almost every respect - kind, funny, handsome, same values and life goals etc but he's veggie, you'd really rather miss out on that so that you can cook your partner a steak?

Spacesuitmakeover · 06/02/2018 12:02

Get involved in friendship groups and activities. my friends met aged 42 at a mutual friends leaving party, they have been together 10 years now are married.

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 12:27

Quid Well they wouldn't look at me as I am 5 ft 10! But I do think it interesting that so many women have that as an absolute dealbreaker. I could understand a preference, but to literally rule out someone who ticked every other box but who was, say, 5ft 10, seems to me to be a bit daft. I think everyone has preferences and dealbreakers to some extent but the dealbreakers really should be the absolute, absolute things - like if one partner wants kids and the other doesn't. I can understand not wanting to date a smoker. But you're an inch too short?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/02/2018 12:29

But how to you know they are absolute deal breakers?
Just playing devils advocate.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 12:31

Pavonia
It depends how into cooking and food you are. If it were just cooking an occasional steak I wouldn’t mind at all. But I want to go to Smithfield and talk about different meats there etc etc
I don’t think I could share that experience with a vegetarian

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 12:34

My ex was a vegetarian. She had no issue with the fact that I liked chicken. Her opinion was being vegetarian was her choice and she didn't feel the need to impose that choice on anyone else.

I don't think those things are necessarily incompatible.