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Original poster

So how does someone 40 meet anyone decent?

232 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 10:41

Well, 39.
I've been single for 10 years. I've had times where I have done lots of dating and times when I have done none. I've had a tiny bit of real life interest that has come to nothing. I've made moves in real life and nothing.

I'm as happy on my own as I can be but would really like this to change.

I've tried going back online but I get turned off them so quickly and then there is no point as they are not what I want.

At this point it feels about as likely as winning the lottery.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 05/02/2018 08:12

"It cannot be possible that all the 40yo women are single for genuine reasons, but all of the 40yo men are single because they're weirdos or womanisers."

Why can't it?
I think living with parents is more common among men, certain types of eccentric /geeky behaviour as well.
Add to that the fact that many more men are in prison than women, that there are more gay men than lesbian women and that more women live in cities, means that if you're a single woman living in a city you have less chance of finding a man than the other way around.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/02/2018 08:14

"the one who's very shy and quiet and says he never knows what to write"

He might have even more problems with real-life dating.

"before old existed, you just wouldn't know whether someone could write wittily or spell correctly. You'd meet in a bar or somewhere and all you'd know is whether you clicked or not. "

Yes, and before Facebook too. I looked up someone I used to have a crush on decades ago and his writing was atrocious. Of course, I never knew this at the time.

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2018 08:21

I'm with the OP. Except I'm a man and I also found OLD totally hideous. Tried every site, paid and unpaid, on and off over a period of years. I'm not going back there again, even though it is supposedly the only way to meet people now (I'm almost 44). Coming up to 8 years single now and seem very unlikely to change. I have plenty of hobbies, varied ones, out and about a lot, but almost never meet any single women - at least of the right age (5 years older - 5 years younger).

A lot of it does depend hugely where you live, i believe.

As for the success rates of OLD I doubt them. I know loads and loads of people who have used it. I only know of one marriage and one long term relationship. Some of the nicest, most attractive women I know have used it and are still single after years and years and they too have given up.

Personwithhorse · 05/02/2018 08:25

Why don’t you get a hobby - there are walking groups for example, local volunteering - our village has a wildlife trust that does outside conservation work, join a book club, whatever you find interesting.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/02/2018 08:29

Having a wide net with open expectations for many years is what has led me to bring more picky. I have learnt what I do want by having many , many bad dates and experiencing what I don't want.

I wouldn't go out with someone who didn't know what to say, I have lots of times before and it doesn't work. I'm quite a strong personality and I need someone equal. The guys like this I've dated have said they liked me because I did all the conversation for them and made it easy. But it's not nice for me.

OP posts:
Soopermum1 · 05/02/2018 08:33

My friend and I went through her Facebook friends and she pointed out the single ones. It was a bit like picking something out the Argos catalogue but it worked! She was able to tell me a bit about them. She arranged a casual meet up and after a bit of stopping and starting it went from there

Soopermum1 · 05/02/2018 08:41

I'm 44 by the way, and the one I picked out the catalogue was wary but flattered and curious and, with a few gentle nudges we met up properly and got to know each other

Trills · 05/02/2018 08:45

RainyApril of the three men you describe I can only see that one of them would find online dating harder than in-person dating.

the one who's very shy and quiet and says he never knows what to write

Is he somehow much more able to think of things to say in person?

the one who's supporting an ex wife and three dc so is back with his parents

Unless he's put this on his profile the online dater won't find this out any sooner than a real-life dater

the one who's dyslexic and every word of a text is spelt wrong

This is the only one who would have a disadvantage at online dating - but if we met in a bar I'd expect to text afterwards, so the advantage of meeting in real life wouldn't last longer than the first meeting.

LesisMiserable · 05/02/2018 08:56

So you'd sack some one off because they're dyslexic and can't text to your standards???? Put that in you online profile Trills, you sound a right catch!

Trills · 05/02/2018 09:01

Haha, I wasn't deciding if I would personally date these men.

I was commenting on RainyApril's assertion that these men would do much better in a world before OLD. She described one feature for each of them that she presumably thinks will put some people off.

Two of them, the feature that she described as making dating harder for them would be just as visible if they met someone in real life.

The dyslexic man was the only man whose described feature would show up quicker in OLD than in real life.

Bixg · 05/02/2018 09:24

This thread is only reinforcing that OLD is definitely not for me! It sounds hideous tbh - and the 'dating thread' on MN that has been going for years is quite a sad read too.

I'll wait for fate to intervene, in the meantime I'll enjoy total command of the remote control Grin

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/02/2018 09:35

I used old 15 months ago for the first time ever! First date on there after many messages from other men and he is now my fiancé. But I had offers of dates from just going out with friends and hobbies etc I didn’t need to do old but I wanted someone with similar interests etc. I used a paid site though not pof or tinder.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/02/2018 09:48

I think, for most, old is horrific and the dating thread is just a constant cycle of women new to it , trying to figure it out and encountering the same shit over and over again.

Which reflects how it is in real life rather well.
But it's soul destroying putting yourself through it over and over again.

As a single, working parent, there is no time or energy for volunteering.

OP posts:
thiswas · 05/02/2018 09:50

The data from okcupid suggests that men of any age are interested in younger women while women are looking for men around their own age.

www.businessinsider.com/dataclysm-shows-men-are-attracted-to-women-in-their-20s-2014-10?IR=T

So how does someone 40 meet anyone decent?
BarbedBloom · 05/02/2018 09:59

I was 35, so maybe a bit younger than you wanted to hear from. I met my husband on POF. I had plenty of interest on there, but I just didn't meet anyone I liked locally. I did get a lot of men immediately asking if I wanted children and was looking to get married. I also got a lot of younger guys who obviously wanted a hook up with an older woman. I never tried Tinder.

I widened the search area on POF and ended up meeting my husband. We were long distance at first, which was hard, but it was worth it.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/02/2018 10:17

I can't do long distance, single parent logistics means it's impossible. Plus having done it before in the past it's not something I want to do again.

OP posts:
littletinyme1 · 05/02/2018 12:16

I wonder if OLD has become too much like shopping. I understand that women don't want a 'bad un' but when you meet face to face your instinct tells you so much more than a profile. Men and married men especially, can't hide behind a profile in the same way when you are talking to them face to face.If they are chatting nonsense, it's more obvious and knocking them back is less of a disappointment than having a date with a loser after you have invested time and energy in the date beforehand. Meeting men OLD doesn't make them any better than the blokes down the pub or park.

Another thought, i have just got a puppy. I have never spoken to so many people as i do taking him for a walk. Might be a good idea to keep a look out if you do have a dog-even if you have to drive to a nicer park for a runaround for dog and a lookaround for you? If you don't have a dog, borrow one!

Good luck to all who are looking. I was broken hearted in my 30s. Met husband aged 39 ( in a bar) married with baby within 18 months. Just celebrated 16 years married. He's not perfect, but then neither am i! When i spoke to him, i fancied him. He was funny and clever and caring. I certainly would not have given his profile( possibly not even his picture) a second look. I knew within 3 years we'd get married!

littletinyme1 · 05/02/2018 12:17

3 weeks not years!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/02/2018 13:02

I had a dog but he failed to pull for me.
Possibly I was walking him at the wrong time, with small child in tow! 😂

I think lots of these examples are just chance meetings and a bit of luck. To fancy someone straight away must be lovely, I've not had a date where I have fancied them in so long. That's sad in itself.

I don't think online dating helps at all really. Its made everyone disposable.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 05/02/2018 13:04

You're right about my three examples trills, but meeting them in real life would also allow them to show some of their good qualities. With old, they're written off before they get to the meeting stage (unless they all send unsolicited dick pics, but they deny it!).

I think that if you have a narrow geographical search, a zero tolerance approach to the characteristics you prefer and only look occasionally then yes you're wasting your time.

Trills · 05/02/2018 13:15

OLD will also allow them to show some of their good qualities, won't it?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/02/2018 13:18

The thing is, no one has the time or money to just meet everyone you chat to. You have to shortlist in some way.

Equally I'm sure there are lots of men who overlook me based on age. Weight, the fact I have children.

I used to be way more open, based on the ' you never know ' approach and I have to say it was pretty horrific and very upsetting. It took a long while to get over and now I'm way more picky.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/02/2018 13:20

It amazes me on the dating thread how some people seem to be out dating twice a week and have no trouble getting loads of dates. Which is why I think location has something to do with it in some cases.

I do think OLD makes a lot of people too picky. Obviously we should never settle but I think because you can window shop so easily, I think it's too easy to pass on someone who could be fabulous because there is, apparently, so much choice.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/02/2018 13:28

But, and no offence is Intended, those that do tend to be new to it, so are going at it full gusto . They also tend to be messed around a lot.

I used to date a lot. I was open minded and naieve about the intentions of lots of men online. I had a horrible experience.

I've put standards in and now don't date. If someone met those standards then I would. But they don't. They are only basic things to, nothing to do with heights or cars or wages.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 05/02/2018 13:48

When I see these threads I often wonder about a MN dating site. After all, you can get a feel for someone from their thoughts on here. Trolls aside, and you get them everywhere, I think MNHQ could work something out with the logarithms!! Match up the geographically close/like-minded posters?

What do you reckon MN?!!