Do you tell your partner everything?

[Todayisanewday75]

I’m interested. Someone said on another thread that a lot of people have a darker side that no one knows about. I’ve realised lately that DP has sides to him that he doesn’t/won’t talk about and listening to friends talk about their relationships there seem to be so many secrets and lies.
But I’ve thought about it and while there are things I wouldn’t tell anyone else there isn’t anything I wouldn’t tell DP. Am I a bit simple or naive or are there really any completely open and honest relationships?

I adore my DH marvellous. It doesn't mean he hears everything.

We are 2 different people who are compatible and chose to marry. Despite being married we are not a single entity.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many people on here think it's acceptable to share your friends' secrets with your DH on the grounds of it's reasonable to assume that DH would know if thy told me anything.
If my DH started sharing things his friend told them in confidence then I would wonder what he is telling his friends that I havr told him in confidence. It shows spectacular lack of trust and respect.

I'm not sure I understand what people mean when they say they tell their husbands/ partners everything.

I tell DH everything that's relevant to him, but I wouldn't say I tell him everything.

DH doesn't need to know how many people I've slept with, or what kind of sex I used to have before I was with him. If he found out I can't say I'd care, but I'm not going to make a point of telling him.

Me and my other half share and freely discuss everything since we got together. We know plenty about our lives before but only when it has come up naturally while musing on life and experiences together (eg I know the story of how he lost his virginity and had his first romance and the story made me feel really pleased that he had such a happy beginning to that side of life)

I tend to think about our discussions about things our friends are going through or have told us as being like the supervision that counsellors and psychologists have. A private place to get your own perspective on things and support you in supporting your friends.

Anyone else going to only have single friends in future? Fucking hell you shouldnt need 'supervision' to support them please tell your friends you cant be trusted before they tell you stuff
Jesus Im honestly gobsmacked here. The use of 'other half'says it all

My friends tell their “other halves” too Primark

I’ve really appreciated extra opinions at times when my friend might say “DH said he had a similar situation and to try this...”

Dunno what happened to women supporting each other.
Depressing as fuck.

Why would this mean women are not supportive of each other?

Dont be facetious.
That is such an insulting question I'm not even going to answer you

frog
Because instead of being an independent adult woman capable of keeping her friend's confidence some women get a man and suddenly go on about how their other half completes them, we're a unit, where he goes i go, i tell him everythibg because (cue smug voice) we don't have secrets in our relationship.
Without a man - capable of understanding trust and respect in a friendship
With a man - oh i tell my OH everything bevause it's a sign of how in tune we are with each other.

Something small and not confidential (such as small work situation) thrn yeah it might come up in chatter e.g. Oh you know that thing at work? DH said one of his colleagues did... and it helped.

Different from disclosing personal matters which some women on this thread seem to do because 'obviously i would tell my other half because we are 2 halves of a whole'

Every time this comes up I am gobsmacked that people think that they have the right to betray their friends’ confidences. It’s just shocking. How dare they!

But betrand friend's confidences are thr thin end of the wedge. If you keep your friend's trust then you are putting somethinh above your relationship when the zen dynamic between you and your other half should be the main priority in your life. I mean you should never ever have a poo without telling your other half either. It's about total honesty and openness.

Maisy and Bertrand
I can guarantee that in SOME of the relationships where women argue that neither have secrets and oh how lovely, that their partners know much more about them than the other way round. But even if not, your lack of individual identity means you cannot be a proper friend to any woman

Ok well I’m going to continue to over share

I share things with my female friends (and male friends) to get their opinions too. I have always done it whether single or not.

I think there are clearly just people that do and people that don’t and neither side is going to get the other.

It’s definitely nothing to do with needing a man’s opinion or not being able to keep anything separate from my “soulmate”

I agree primark. We have quite a mixed sex group of friends. I never hear male friends carry on with this 'me and the mrs have no secrets. I tell her everything'. Only women I hear doing all that.
If my DH started sharing his friend's secrets and personal lives with me I would feel quite uncomfortable.

Then with all due respects frog I think you are wrong to routinely share other peopel's secrets and confidences. They are not yours to share.
In my circle of friends what you describe is simply being a gossip.

I think maisy that these women have never had a true genuine close friendship with a woman. Their men are their everything. Which is fine. It is obvious they only have superficial friendships.

Cross post deckoff.

For me - reasonable sharing
Friend got a promotion
Off for coffee with friend. I think something's kicked off with their relatives/stressed about planning a hen do
Friends started a hobby / doing this event
Friend was saying they're off to italy this summer
General friend chatter

Not ok -
Friend shares her and her DH are TTC and are moving to fertility
friend shares her parents have started harrasing her again becUse she chose to marry a white man not someone known to the family
Friend is experiencing anxiety and is getting medical help
Friend has had a miscarriage
friend is struggling in her relationship

No. We may touch on past relationships but not in any detail. We had full STD checks very early on in relationship so I'm ok with that. & I've my own rules in my head - I won't discuss my friends/relatives problems, issues etc that they discuss with me in confidence. Not that I think OH would even want to know I just think it's rude and disloyal. I'd say we discuss mostly all else though.

But how does anyone know they're being told all there is to tell anyway? I don't worry about it. I've a couple of things I won't tell a soul. I don't want to discuss it so I won't.

^^friend needs an abortion
Friend was abused as a child
Friend preparing to escape domestic violence
Friend having an affair
Friends husband having an affair
Friend has an sti
Friend thinks she may be gay
Friends child has problems
Friends unhappy in marriage

All of those are not the same as dinner party talk and you cannot arue otherwise. You can ask to tell DH, but it will never be an automatic right.

I do think there's some (deliberate?) misinterpretation here from "are you open and honest in your relationship" into "Well that means you must tell your friend's secrets and update each other about trips to the toilet, and if you do you're weird and horrible, and if you don't you're lying about telling EVERYTHING aren't you?"

Agreed; there is a misinterpretation here and it’s very clearly deliberate. Certain people don’t seem to understand there’s a middle ground between not deliberately holding stuff back and giving your husband a play-by-play of every single minute of your day.

Agreed; there is a misinterpretation here and it’s very clearly deliberate. Certain people don’t seem to understand there’s a middle ground between not deliberately holding stuff back and giving your husband a play-by-play of every single minute of your day.
People are saying they share their friend's stuff with their other half.

I would absolutely have an issue with my friends telling their DH things I have told them in confidence. My secrets are not their secrets to share with anyone - including their DH/DP.

Now if it's a couple I'm really friendly with and i would be happy for that info being shared then I may have a situation like deckoff describes. But as a rule of thumb if I am sharing personal things with a friend it is on the understanding it is between me abd them... not me, them and their DH.

Deck actually I think you have a fair point. My ex husband was nasty. So if i cannot trust my own husband, the father of my children, then I sure as hell don't want to be put in a position of having to trust yours. He may be perfect. But you as my friend should respect me enough to give me the choice. I am trying to explain this and nobody is listening. Im not just some mad woman. Try to listen.

I don't tell my DH everything and we've never discussed previous partners or relationships much. There's lots of financial information that I haven't shared explicitly with him either, and I don't keep him updated on all my health issues. I tend not to tell him about friend's secrets, although sometimes I do gossip with him, knowing it won't get passed on to anyone else. I feel that we can trust each other fully, but I like to keep personal boundaries very tight and don't feel the need to offload information like some people, so I am fine keeping myself to myself.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many people on here think it's acceptable to share your friends' secrets with your DH on the grounds of it's reasonable to assume that DH would know if thy told me anything.
If my DH started sharing things his friend told them in confidence then I would wonder what he is telling his friends that I havr told him in confidence. It shows spectacular lack of trust and respect.

This x 100.

I too am shocked how many people think something shared with them as the confidant of a friend, is then something they can pass on to other people

Totally agree with Betrand : Every time this comes up I am gobsmacked that people think that they have the right to betray their friends’ confidences. It’s just shocking. How dare they!