Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you tell your partner everything?

346 replies

Todayisanewday75 · 03/02/2018 08:56

I’m interested. Someone said on another thread that a lot of people have a darker side that no one knows about. I’ve realised lately that DP has sides to him that he doesn’t/won’t talk about and listening to friends talk about their relationships there seem to be so many secrets and lies.
But I’ve thought about it and while there are things I wouldn’t tell anyone else there isn’t anything I wouldn’t tell DP. Am I a bit simple or naive or are there really any completely open and honest relationships?

OP posts:
CountFosco · 04/02/2018 18:55

Maybe some of us have boring lives. A friend has never told me about an affair or abuse or an abortion or questioning their sexuality. I don't think I have those kind of friendships. I don't live near my childhood home so am not in close contact with old school friends, I met DH at uni and have known him longer than any of my friends here who are all either workmates (so there's obviously an element of formality in our relationship) or couples who DH and I both know through the kids. My best friend here I've known for 10 years, I've known DH for 24 and lived with him for 20 years. Of course my relationship with him is closer than my friendships.

Mind you if I was having an affair I wouldn't tell a friend and if I found out DH was having an affair the whole street would hear the shouting when I threw him out so there would be no privacy required.

loverofcake983 · 04/02/2018 18:56

I tell my partner most things.. important things ... but not everything. Don't think he'd give a flying fuck if I told him some "gossip" a friend told me and if it was something else a friend told me in confidence I'd keep that to myself as well. I would not be impressed if ANY of my friends went back and told their partners things I'd spoken to them about. Would make me think twice before talking to them again. If I wanted their partners to know my things then I'd invite them over for a cuppa as well as their missus

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 19:00

Exactly. ^^
Me and Friend were chatying about holidays and she said somethubg awful happener when she went to this place. ... retells funny story.
It's neither here nor there whether i tell DH.
Personal things are a no no

I like what another poster said about dinner party chat. That'e quite a good rule. If the topic would be polite conversation over dinner with a group of friends then it's probably fine to share with DH. If it's not a discussion to have over dinner then it's probably not a topic to share.

mogratpineapple · 04/02/2018 19:02

I am totally open but a couple of years ago dh said he kept things from me that 'weren't welcome'. I think things around what him and his mates get up to. Just guessing.

CountFosco · 04/02/2018 19:19

I asked DH and he said if someone asked him to not tell me a confidence he'd say he didn't want to hear it, he wouldn't want to keep anything from me. I'm quite surprised by that initially but actually (bearing in mind that no-one has ever asked me to keep something a secret from DH) if someone explicitly said that and bearing in mind our local friendship group is all couples I would assume they were about to tell me they were having an affair and they didn't want their OH to find out via my OH. In which case I wouldn't want to be complicit in their dirty secret.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 04/02/2018 19:26

I would be very surprised if the people you shocked ladies are friends with haven’t told their DH’s stuff you’ve told them. You’d never know if they had so you couldn’t stop having or wanting them as friends.

Because DH and I have been together since we were teenagers, we’re closer than any friendship either of us have. I tell him stuff people tell me and he tells me stuff people tell him. It goes no further; he doesn’t tell anyone what I tell him and I don’t tell anyone what he tells me. Nor do I tell anyone but DH.

If someone asks me to keep a secret, the only person I’d tell would be DH, nobody else. And said person would never know I’d told DH because he wouldn’t tell anyone.

This system has worked for us for over a decade; no secret has ever been accidentally spilled. They’ve always been kept between the two of us.

Charmander123 · 04/02/2018 19:39

Me and mine are completely open about pasts and people. Alot of stories in people's past can involve exs too , but I'd happily here a story and know my partner more. He married me, not them :-)

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2018 19:39

“If someone asks me to keep a secret, the only person I’d tell would be DH, nobody else. And said person would never know I’d told DH because he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

But that just isn’t your choice to make. It’s absolutely outrageous . How dare you take away someone else’s choices Ike that!

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 04/02/2018 19:41

But that just isn’t your choice to make. It’s absolutely outrageous . How dare you take away someone else’s choices Ike that!

BertrandRussell It is my choice to make. By telling me they took that chance.

Karigan1 · 04/02/2018 19:45

Yes I do tell him everything but a) I trust him and b) I know his secrets too so he spills one of mine or a friends it’s going to bite his arse fast.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 20:08

Bertrand not worth the stress. She will only say youre jealous of their connection. They are one person so by speaking to one youre speaking to both of them Hmm

dudsville · 04/02/2018 20:10

We don't keep secrets or tell lies. The assumption is we can tell each other everything, we're best friends in the truest sense of the word, but in reality it's hard to find time or interest to say everything.

dudsville · 04/02/2018 20:12

I guess what I man to say is there isn't a no go area, but likewise we don't want to hear every single little thought. We're quite comfortable to give each other space.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 20:13

It is my choice to make. By telling me they took that chance.

In other words the second you tell someone anything you have no right to expect a blabbermouth to keep their mouth shut because the gossip is too important.

The fact you're sleeping with the receiver of gossip doesn't make it acceptable.

loverofcake983 · 04/02/2018 20:15

@WhatToDoAboutThis2017 completely disagree with you. I've known my friends for over 20 years and trust them
Not to blab to their other halves about our private conversations. I'd be very careful if you were my friend and would probably keep my mouth shut about anything I didn't want your dp to know.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 20:19

Yeah but you wouldnt know lover. She wouldnt tell you that because she doesnt give a fuck about your privacy and apparently all her friends are the same. So by agreement that is fine. But without consent of the friend it isnt. She isnt truthful so you cannot consent for knowledge to be shared. Hope she's not a therapist by day Shock

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 04/02/2018 20:25

loverofcake983 I have close friendships but none will ever be as close or be as long lasting as me and DH because we’ve been together since we were teenagers.

I'd be very careful if you were my friend and would probably keep my mouth shut about anything I didn't want your dp to know.

You can say you’d be careful, but you wouldn’t have any idea I was telling my DH so it’s irrelevant.

MaisyPops I’d classify a blabbermouth as someone who couldn’t keep secrets and couldn’t keep their mouths shut. I can’t speak for others, but for me I choose to tell my DH and I choose to still keep it a secret from everyone else.

And DH isn’t just someone I’m sleeping with; we’ve known each other for the majority of our lives. It would be different if it was just a boyfriend or a fuck buddy, but we have a relationship and a connection neither of us has even come close to having with anyone else.

loverofcake983 · 04/02/2018 20:29
Hmm
BackforGood · 04/02/2018 20:37

if someone explicitly said that {to not tell anyone}

CountFosco, you shouldn't need to be asked not to tell anyone though. It is obvious, if someone is telling you something personal, you don't then pass it on to anyone else. Or it is in my world. I'm not talking about 'dirty secrets'. I'm talking about something a friend might be worried about. It could be to do with their sex life, but it could jst as easily be money worries, or a concern they have about their child's behaviour, or their development, or it could be a medical symptom, or it could be some fantasy they had, or even a hop / dream / ambition they were aiming for. It doens't have to be something life-shattering, but it isn't you news so passing it on is gossip, unless they intimate they are happy for everyone to know.

WhattoDoAbout It's called 'trust'. I would only discuss something private with someone I trust deeply. So yes, I know they wouldn't then pass on what I'd said to anyone, because the 2 or 3 people I would confide something private in, I trust totally.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 20:38

So. You are still blabbing.
The fact it is your husband has nothing to do with it.

You have decided that it's your decision to blab things your friends have shared.

windchimesabotage · 04/02/2018 20:43

whattodoaboutthis I totally agree with you. But luckily my closest friends also know and trust my husband like they would me so its never been an issue because they assume if tell him.

I once had a friend tell her partner something personal and I was a bit pissed off just because he was a completely untrustworthy person. I generally wouldnt care about someone telling their partner something if that was as far as it went... but this was someone she had been with a matter of months and who directly went out and told everyone we knew about it.
Its not like she didnt know he would either because hed done similar stuff with things she had told him!!
Im still good friends with her though.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CountFosco · 04/02/2018 21:10

but it could jst as easily be money worries, or a concern they have about their child's behaviour, or their development, or it could be a medical symptom, or it could be some fantasy they had, or even a hop / dream / ambition they were aiming for

Well all the friends I'd discuss such things with I'm friends with their husband too so wouldn't care if they told them (or they are work colleagues and I don't know their husbands so don't care if they told them.

I grew up in a close knit rural community where everyone knows your business. It's annoying at times but at least I didn't grow up with this precious belief that you can tell your friends things and not expect the news to percolate through your community. You should expect people to gossip, everyone does and if all someone does is tell their DH and he keeps the news secret ( probably due to lack of interest) then you're lucky. More likely they are telling another close friend or someone who doesn't know you or using whichever network they find is helpful to share news with.

BackforGood · 04/02/2018 21:23

You should expect people to gossip, everyone does

Hmm

You are living in a different world from me.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 21:26

You should expect people to gossip, everyone does
Most people share information that is already public.

Most people don't gossip about othrr people's private lives.

It must be awful having a social circle where it'e expected that people can 'just tell a couple of people' something you've trusted them with. Then again, i wouldn't last 5 mins in such a culture because I'd spend every minute thinking someone was going to stick the knife in and was gossiping behind my back.