Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is going to hurt

279 replies

WelshBoris · 29/04/2007 18:53

I shouldn't be posting because it's too raw but I've got no-one else to talk to.

Boyfriend, been with him for nearly a year, I adore him so does my DD.

He was out drinking all day yesterday, I met him in our local before going to town with the girls. He was kissing me, telling me he loved me.

I was going home to his house, got in about 1.30. My key wouldn't work. His was in the other side.

I shouted, he came to the window and let me in.

I walked in the living room and there was a white thong on the floor. I walked out of the house, round the back to see some old slapper clambering over the wall.

He was drunk, he's sorry etc etc

The pain is physical, I feel like someone is kicking me in the stomach over and over again,

I close my eyes and see him in the bathroom with his head in his hands, then I see me, him and my DD in bed together yesterday morning trying to give the biggest hugs.

Please please someone tell me this isn't my fault and the pain will go

OP posts:
littlelapin · 01/05/2007 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2007 09:24

'Dr Phil's old adage works for me: the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. '

I've found this to be true, too.

oliveoil · 01/05/2007 09:27

oh what a twonk

I think, personally, that I would have a horrid image burned onto my brain that would block out any nice memories and I would never be able to forgive or forget

but you do what you need to do petal

hug your dd and have a fab day out today
xx

PS I am Northern and am available for kneecapping jobs and/or hard stares

MascaraOHara · 01/05/2007 09:30

hello mate, have sort of being scanning the thread.. it's not easy is it, some people do get over stuff like this. You need to do what you want a tthe end of the day.

You've got my email.. just be careful

expatinscotland · 01/05/2007 09:32

I'd feel burned not so much by the cheating but by:
a) the fact that he knew you were coming home soon and left the key in the lock to get her out in time.
b) that means something was up in the relationship, but he took the coward's way out instead of being mature enough to be upfront with you. That's what you do when you're 19, not 39.
c) instead of running after you, he does the lame ass, 'I'm so sorry'. WTF? When you're really gutted, well, you do more than 'I'm so sorry'.
d) he was really drunk. Like that's any excuse. Even when I was a major drunk, if I was able to have sex - and we all know what it's like when you're past the point of even that - I knew what the hell I was doing.

Marina · 01/05/2007 09:32

Whatever you decide, as LL says, your Mumsnet compadres (commadres?) will be right there for you WB.
I am just imagining a lovely sunny holiday for you and dd next week and hoping you manage to relax and enjoy yourselves like you should for some of the time at least XXX

DumbledoresGirl · 01/05/2007 09:40

I am so sorry this has happened WB - only just seen this thread.

I am afraid that I agree with the old wise ones here - Anorak saying that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and Moondog pointing out that a man who is nearly 40 should have put behind him the days of drinking himself into such a state that he would shag the first thing that moved. I am not sure you will ever be able to trust him again completely, and a relationship that does not have 100% trust is not one I would be prepared to settle for.

I know you love him and only you know how much you are prepared to forgive, so don't let us tell you what you should do, but do tread carefully please...

MellowMa · 01/05/2007 09:47

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 01/05/2007 10:23

It's too big an age gap anyway. When you're a young fit 40 something he'll be drawing his pension almost.

But it doesn't sound very serious and I doubt he's in love with her so I suppose you could just forget about it.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2007 10:24

How sensitive of you, Xenia.

I'm sure your daughters all know they can turn to you for support and a sympathetic chat when they make mistakes in love, too.

oliveoil · 01/05/2007 10:29

yes WB, just forget about it

smother that pain, it isn't serious anyway

MellowMa · 01/05/2007 10:30

Message withdrawn

fortyplus · 01/05/2007 10:34

Emotionally detached - that's our Xenia!

fortyplus · 01/05/2007 10:41

WB - I hope you have a lovely day out with your dd.

The only way you can move forward from this is if he radically changes his behaviour. You seem certain that he wouldn't go shagging if he wasn't drunk, so the answer seems obvious...

...he needs to stop drinking. If he values your relationship he will make that sacrifice and you will be able to trust him not to cheat. If he keeps rolling in drunk you will never trust him.

MellowMa · 01/05/2007 10:46

Message withdrawn

speccy · 01/05/2007 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortyplus · 01/05/2007 10:49

Don't forget they've only been together a year. That's not long when you're 40!

I think they can move on from this if he proves that he can change his behaviour in other ways ie stop drinking.

speccy · 01/05/2007 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speccy · 01/05/2007 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2007 10:54

Only a year?

We were married and had a baby 13 months after we met.

If I were dating someone around or over 40 and they were still playing games after a year, that'd be the end of that.

Blu · 01/05/2007 10:57

WB - I hope that you are having a good day out, enjoying time with your DD.

Give it some time, and some of your strength - but remembr that people do recover from broken hearts (but it takes courage because it is painful) but they generally suffer more and more from dmaaged self-esteem unless something strong and sustainable happens to help them mend it...and the cause of the attrition is taken away.

I'm not going to call him names - he behaved badly in what he did, but you have reasons for loving him. If you decide, after some time, to try and mend this, then just make sure that anything he agrees to is strong and sustainable in making sure he doesn't make a pattern of this. And if he is serious, he will be the one to suggest it, and wiull be prepared for you to wait and test his resolve and commitment.

But you are intelligent and perceptive and will know all this this.

fortyplus · 01/05/2007 11:06

I'm a boring old fart but I'm just trying to look on the bright side for her.

She doesn't want this relationship to end so it's not going to make her feel better if everyone says 'He's an arsehole - dump him!'.

I would feel pretty crap in WB's situation, too.

suejonez · 01/05/2007 11:08

I put up with behaviour like this from an ex (of a similar age) because I loved him and it didn't work because in the end loving him wasn't enough. I ended up happier without him than with him even though I loved him depsarately and it took a while to get over him. I don't regret it though, getting away from feeling responsible for the crappy state of our relationship was in the end the biggest relief.

I went back to him several times trying to make it work but eventually I couldn't take that the relationship made me feel inadequate and second best - I came second to the drink and drugs and other people (amongst other things).

Good luck.

MrsJohnCusack · 01/05/2007 11:21

BOris I have just read this and I am so sorry - really horrible

no useful advice but I hope that you and DD have a great holiday next week. also from all I have read on here you are a fabulous mother and person. you have to try to remember that!

Anniegetyourgun · 01/05/2007 13:25

"He has never ever cheated Flame, not even close. Something else happened, which I don't want to go into. "

I don't wish to be brutal, but all it means is that you haven't caught him before - or have you been watching him 24/7 for the last 12 months? You nearly didn't catch him this time. Maybe this was the first time. Maybe he does only do it when he's drunk. Or maybe he's only careless enough to be caught when he's drunk. Basically, you'll never know for certain.

Marina - "commadres" - class!