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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is going to hurt

279 replies

WelshBoris · 29/04/2007 18:53

I shouldn't be posting because it's too raw but I've got no-one else to talk to.

Boyfriend, been with him for nearly a year, I adore him so does my DD.

He was out drinking all day yesterday, I met him in our local before going to town with the girls. He was kissing me, telling me he loved me.

I was going home to his house, got in about 1.30. My key wouldn't work. His was in the other side.

I shouted, he came to the window and let me in.

I walked in the living room and there was a white thong on the floor. I walked out of the house, round the back to see some old slapper clambering over the wall.

He was drunk, he's sorry etc etc

The pain is physical, I feel like someone is kicking me in the stomach over and over again,

I close my eyes and see him in the bathroom with his head in his hands, then I see me, him and my DD in bed together yesterday morning trying to give the biggest hugs.

Please please someone tell me this isn't my fault and the pain will go

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 30/04/2007 23:55

hey welshy, i've only just seen this. am so very sorry, it's not what you'd hoped for. he's not what you'd hoped for. stay strong, you've got a lot of support. [squeeze]

DonnyLass · 01/05/2007 00:24

Welshy

You are too good to be treated this badly.

This is a grief process ... stages are
Shock
Disbelief
Anger
Acceptance
Adaptation

You have to go through them all ...

You'll get there. Let it all come and go.

Believe in yourself. You and your daughter deserve the best ... and yu know what, once you've got this shit phase out of the way then the best will happen.

Have faith -- in you x

fortyplus · 01/05/2007 00:43

WB - this is total crap but it's not your fault.

Don't be too hasty to throw it all away. A year isn't long to be with someone - it sounds as though you've got a good relationship but he hasn't settled into it yet.

Men can be such tossers.

Thinking of you xx

Original poster
WelshBoris · 01/05/2007 08:24

I know what you're all saying, but you can't tell my heart to stop loving him.

You can't tell my DD to stop asking where he is, and talking about him and telling stories about him.

You can't tell my body to stop aching for his arms around me.

I'd be a sad, pathetic woman with no self esteem if I took him back.

But I'd be a heartbroken one if I didn't

OP posts:
pucca · 01/05/2007 08:31

WB...I am sorry you are going through all this.

To add my opinion, yes he is a wanker (i don't know the full story) but it is very easy for loads of people not in the situation to say "have some respect, don't take him back".

It is SO hard to just get rid of someone out of your life, your heart, your mind just like that! plus you have your dd talking about him. I have been this a situation similar (except not as complicated as had no DC) and it is so difficult to be strong and walk away.

You are a grown woman, who is quite capable of making your own decision,

do you think he truely loves you?

can you truely love him after this?

I wish i could make it all better for you like a fairy godmother but i can't, it is something you really need to work out yourself.

xxx

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 01/05/2007 08:33

Sorry to read this Boris

Don't know what else to say.

Flamesparrow · 01/05/2007 08:34

No - not a sad pathetic woman... a woman willing to give it one more try.

Have read back through - this is the first time he's done anything like this isn't it? (Or have I missed something somewhere).

I know that my own issues with trust and jealousy would be such that I would never be able to work past it, but if you think that you can, and you want to, then I don't see that as a bad thing.

Original poster
WelshBoris · 01/05/2007 08:35

Hi Pucca.

I think he does love me, yes. There are lots and lots of women snorting at the PC now "if he loved you he wouldn't have cheated"

But I honestly think he does love me. He is gutted, I know how drunk he was when I left the pub around 10, he carried on drinking til 12 so he was in a real state. I'm not making excuses for him but I know he wouldn't have done this when sober.

We are good together, yes he has fucked up in the past but I'm no angel.

I'm going to have some time to think about things and clear my head. I'm taking DD on holidays on Monday so that will help.

Hand on heart, if I took him back, it would mean he would have to have a STD test and probably counselling. But I think our relationship is worth saving.

Thanks for reading and offering your advice.

OP posts:
anorak · 01/05/2007 08:35

Of course you still love him. You meant it when you said it and you can't switch off just like that.

You could try and patch things up with him, but it would be an awful risk. Dr Phil's old adage works for me: the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Has he changed in any radical ways since he met you? Do you think he will change more? Sadly most people do not change unless they have professional therapy of some kind to change their damaging patterns of behaviour and no amount of loving care from you will do it.

Do you think you might be heartbroken again in 6 months, a year, 5 years if you stay with him? If so is it worth it?

If you don't go back to him you will get over him, every day will get easier and easier until one day you will actually feel glad that you're not with him any more.

Weigh it all up. And give yourself longer than two days to do so. One thing I can promise you is that you can love again, in time.

Original poster
WelshBoris · 01/05/2007 08:36

He has never ever cheated Flame, not even close. Something else happened, which I don't want to go into.

OP posts:
moondog · 01/05/2007 08:36

If you take him back,the memory of a woman scrabbling to leave after a quick fuck and leaving her dirty knickers behind will always stay with you.
Remember that....

Original poster
WelshBoris · 01/05/2007 08:37

I am going to give it time Anorak.

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 01/05/2007 08:38

hi WB, the 5 stages someone posted are right.

you don't necessarily go thru them all, or in that order.

it's still really raw and it must be so hard to hear dd chatting about him and asking questions.

give yourself a few days to let the pain subside.

there are no wrong paths, just different outcomes and (to a point) you can choose a new path if the one you're on isn't working.

so, if you feel you can take him back and he's willing then there's no law that says you can't try it.

each day will be a little easier - i promise.

colditz · 01/05/2007 08:38

Oh WB what a truly shitty situation.

FWIW I am sure he does love you, deeply so, but that is not usually enough to make a cheat stop cheating. The taboo obviously just isn't there in his mind, and even if it was, it isn't now.

Original poster
WelshBoris · 01/05/2007 08:40

I know Moondog. It's all I can see when I close my eyes. Then an image of him with DD sitting on his lap colouring in. Then another one of him holding my hand and singing to me.

OP posts:
moondog · 01/05/2007 08:41

As a 39 year old meself,I think it's an age when one really should have dealt wwith the drinking oneself senseless and shagging thing.

Original poster
WelshBoris · 01/05/2007 08:43

He's not as lovely and grown up as you though MD.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 01/05/2007 08:44

aah but I can think of plenty of 39 yr olds who haven't quite passed that stage yet though moondog!

Sorry you are going through this WB. I'm glad you and dd are going away on hols - will be good to get a break from this all I imagine.

FoghornLeghorn · 01/05/2007 08:45

Ah Welshy, I've only just seen this - I'm so sorry

The pain wont fade away overnight and the love wont either but you know in our heart of hearts you cannot let him get away with doing this to you & your DD.

Are you going to take up VVQV or Custy's offer to get away for a while - may help just to know you're nowhere near him

pucca · 01/05/2007 08:46

WB...A break away is a good idea, then it won't all be as raw iykwim and a change of scenery will definately help get things a bit more in to perspective.

Sometimes it is hard because you obviously are so emotionally involved to step away from the main picture and look at it all rationally.

If you do decide to give him another chance, definately make him work hard for it, a STD test is a good idea, as is counselling, don't let him just step straight back into the old routine, don't make him suffer as such, as that won't help at all but make him prove himself all over again, he has to earn your trust again, and start a fresh.

I hope you come to the right decision and find some peace of mind with whichever route you decide to take.

xx

moondog · 01/05/2007 08:48

None of us are lovely and grown up all the time WB (am plannig to get rat arsed meself this w/end on irresponsible night out) but I think we can safely assume that not shagging someone else the moment your girlfriend's back is turned (and just a few months into relationship to boot)isn't too much to ask of anyone eh?

fishie · 01/05/2007 08:48

wb my first serious relationship was with someone who was 6 yrs older than me. he also got drunk and slept with
a) my best friend
b) the woman i was babysitting for
he was very sorry of course, and i was a silly teenager and believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again. he did, like colditz said the taboo had gone. i won't bore you with the ins and outs but i had a lucky escape and hope you can too.

of cousre it bloody hurts but perhaps if you can wait until after your holiday you can get over the shock and see how you really feel.

Original poster
WelshBoris · 01/05/2007 08:48

Thank you pucca.

This thread has been a massive, massive help to me. It really has.

I'm taking DD out for the day, leaving my mobile in the house and just going to enjoy.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Budababe · 01/05/2007 08:55

Have a good day out WB. Really sorry this happened but MUCH better it happened now rather than maybe 2 or 3 years down the line when you may have married him and had another child.

And to answer your question as to why - probably because he could. Some men don't really think too much about it - it's there for the taking so they take it. I know it's hurting but you are better off to find out now.

And - you are a beautiful girl with lots going for her. You will meet someone much better for you. And this experience will have made you stronger.

JARM · 01/05/2007 08:57

I am so sorry welshy.

All I can think is if he REALLY loves you, REALLY wants you to be a major part of his life, he will come to you. He will be trying everything under the sun to get you back.

Go on holiday with your gorgeous DD, have a break, and enjoy her.

Re-evaluate when you get home.

Take care, am thinking of you x