Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

[Tumbleweeds24]

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

Who cares about the ex?

He is a crap dad yes, changing nappies and helping with feeds alone doesn't count as a good parent, not when you're sabotaging every aspect of the mothers life and babies in the process.

I was still doubting whether she was even pregnant but when I asked him about it the other day he said he's been trying to 'make her see sense' and abort but she's told him she's definitely keeping it, so she must be.

He said he hasn't seen his other two children since all of this came out because he doesn't want to be around her. He had no issue being around her until he got caught out though, funny that.

He should understand why you don't want to be around him, then.

(So much for being a great dad to her two kids, btw. Plain selfish, both of those "adults".)

Yep, a shit example of parenting by both of them. Thank god my son has me to teach him right from wrong. I've got plenty of ammo against his parenting if he ever tries to go for joint custody which I think is extremely unlikely anyway, but he couldn't do that even if he wanted to with him not being on the B/C right?

I’m not sure in custody but Just wanted to say how fantastic your doing and You’ve definitely done the right thing by getting your son away from these people

Tumble my understanding of UK law is that first he'd have to petition for a DNA test to establish paternity. From there he'd have to get the BC amended to show his name. Then he could sue for joint residence and access. I'm not sure if those three can be 'rolled into one' court case or if it's a 'step by step' process. And I'm not sure how a case for child maintenance (if you were to request it) would affect establishing paternity.

I will tell you what a friend was told. Caveat is this is many years ago AND in the US, although the laws are somewhat similar. And that DNA testing didn't exist at the time so proving paternity was much more difficult. She was told by a lawyer to not accept a penny of money and not open a child support case as that could be used as 'evidence' that she acknowledged him as the child's father. It wasn't legal proof per se, but it was 'a piece of evidence'. He wasn't interested in seeing the child so the question of allowing visits and 'presenting' him to the child as the child's father wasn't an issue but that would also have been considered 'evidence'.

TBH, I think you should see a solicitor at some point to clarify the exact legal position.

He can quite easily apply to the court for parental responsibility and be added to the B/C. However getting contact is more difficult and time consuming and shared residency would be more difficult still!

If Tumble wanted to claim maintenance the onus would be on the ex to prove he wasn't the father via DNA testing, if it proved he was the father then he has to pay for the testing and any maintenance that has accumulated in that time.

I haven't even began looking into child support yet, I do want it but not if it's going to cause me more problems than its worth

Are you wanting your ds to have a relationship with him? If so then claim but if not I wouldn’t as he’s not on the birth certificate Id be careful about naming his as the father as I’d imagine it help his case if he pushed for contact orders

I do want them to have a relationship but I predict things getting messy in the future so this may not always be the case. It's so hard to make permnanant decisions right now. It's a "see how things go" at the moment in regards to him keeping up contact

I do want them to have a relationship but I predict things getting messy in the future so this may not always be the case. It's so hard to make permnanant decisions right now. It's a "see how things go" at the moment in regards to him keeping up contact

Go for CM when you're ready. It is viewed seperately to contact - so, even if he never saw T again, he would still have to provide for him. In the purest sense of the word, the money is for the child. As many have said before, kids arent't 'pay per view'.

I would go through CMS directly and let them handle it all.

Would post more, but it's bathtime for the little benches and the noise level is increasing in their room - quite boisterous today!

I agree with going slow. But I think a visit to a family solicitor to gather information is still a good idea. You don't have to 'do anything', but you'll be informed of the facts if he starts any bullshit or making 'threats' about custody.

I need some advice, urgently. I don't know if people will think I'm over reacting but I don't feel as though I am whatsoever. I'm that upset I feel sick. Please tell me I'm not being stupid.

He was round the flat this afternoon seeing little man. I didn't feel like going out anywhere because I was absolutely exhausted so I said he could come here for a couple of hours and mind him whilst I got some rest. Things have been cordial between us, amicable, so I didn't see a problem.

After about half an hour I woke up as I heard baby crying, he's colicky so really unsettled in general. I went into the front room and as I did I saw him practically drag him out of his bouncer really quickly, he was very rough and inpatient with him which of course made him cry even more. You don't handle babies the way he handled him.

I shouted at him to get the fuck out, ran over and took him out of his arms and told him to leave before I called the police.

I'm now stopping all contact, even supervised, and told him as he left that if he tries coming near my child again im reporting him to social services and I'm also telling his ex what I've seen so she knows not to leave him alone with the kids especially not the newborn when it arrives.

He's left me voicemails that saying he would never harm him and was just frustrated, he thinks I've over reacted, please tell me I haven't. I can't grasp how he could be so inpatient and mean to such an innocent little boy who's only crying out of discomfort.

I am in bits. I thought he adored him. Never in my life would I ever have suspected he'd be anything less than gentle with him. I'm now panicking wondering if it's happened before, or if he's done anything else negligent.

He's 7 weeks tomorrow :-(

I need to be getting in touch with social services don't I? I'm not allowing him near him again, but I still feel as though I need to let them know so they can make sure it doesn't happen again to any other children.

Am I stupidly over protective or this this absolutely bloody abhorrent and wrong. He didn't shake or hit him but the way he treat him in that split second is just as bad in my eyes. He is his father and he treat him like a rag doll. He could have hit his head on the sideboard or anything.

I know crying can be frustrating and were only human but anybody who can be rough with a tiny baby isn't fit to be around them IMO. Absolutely disgusted and gutted. Never thought he would stoop so low in my life

You're not being stupid. If what you saw made you feel sick and react quickly then you know in your heart that your son was not handled right.

Keep the voicemail saying he was 'just frustrated' in case social services want evidence. Being frustrated is never a reason to use inappropriate force/manhandling of a child. You can do other things like sit in the bathroom for a 5 minute breather or he could have woken you up! A tiny baby can only cry to make their needs known. Please call your auntie or mum if you need a rest and not him ever again xx

Also do not worry about whether he has done anything before because worrying will not help you with an answer to that but it will just make any anxious sick feelings linger longer. I haven't explained that very well but you need to look after yourself so you can look after your baby. You are his number one and he is lucky to have you

He had no excuse to be so rough with the baby...no excuse at all. There's never an excuse to be anything other than gentle with a baby.

I think you should report it to SS and I wouldn't have him near the baby alone ever again.

Exactly what Sherbert says. Keep him out of your son's life with the help of your SW.

Hopefully this is an isolated incident. You don't need to contact her directly, let Social Services do that. It might just be the way in SS need in order to help her kids.

T is better off without this man who will, at best, dip in and out of his life at random which is awful for a child.

You are probably in some shock at the moment with adrenalin levels going crazy. Please know you have done the right thing in getting him out of your home and your lives today. You've done exactly what a good mother should and done it well.

He will not be seeing his son again. He behaved unforgivably and the fact he then tried to downplay what he did speaks volumes. When I ran over and told him to get the F out because i had seen what he just did he looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I'm just glad it didn't go undetected. Hope I don't sound too dramatic, I am quite over protective of my son but that's not to say I'm over reacting, is it? You just don't pull a baby around like a rag doll ever

I don't actually have a SW now, after an assessment they concluded that they didn't need to be involved at all - no risks were highlighted and they had no concerns about me, about us. I'm certain that wouldn't be the case now if they saw how he had just behaved

Thank you for the replies

Yep it sure is exhausting, he's not sleeping much at the minute so neither am I. Despite that I've never once come close to getting annoyed with him, i dont see how anybody could. At best when unable to sooth him after making sure he's fed changed and cuddled I'll go and make a cup of tea, have a breather then carry on trying to console him. I can't fathom his reaction whatsoever.

He was reeling off a load of self pitying b.s in his voicemails. He's stressed with work, under pressure, hasn't seen his other two children in ages, would never intentionally hurt any child etc etc. None of which justifies getting pissed off with a small baby.

My worry was that alot of the cases of baby shaken syndrome stem from the type of frustration I saw in him yesterday, which leads to being rough/manhandling the baby and then the baby gets harmed or even worse. He's saying I'm accusing him of being an intentional child abuser which wasn't my point, it's that he's reckless and clearly unable to manage tension and that's a risk to my son whether he "means" to respond to him in that way or not.

He's a despicable excuse for a human being and should not be left alone with a child, ever. Absolutely disgusting to treat a small baby like that. Thank god you were there.
Keep your son well away from him, this twat is worth absolute shit compared to your little boy who needs to be protected and loved.

I'm sorry that happened. Definitely keep all the texts and voicemails acknowledging what he did - otherwise it's his word against yours. Those messages mean that he acknowledges he behaved in an unacceptable and dangerous way. If he ever goes to court to get unsupervised access, those messages will be powerful evidence. Pass them onto children and families services ASAP - if you delay it might not be seen as you acting in the child's best interests.

I know he has repeatedly said that his children are so important to him. But I think this is something he tells himself, that he is this devoted family man. I think the reality is that he is incapable of caring about anyone apart from himself. All the guff about children is a way to trap a woman close to him, his logic is 'women care about families and want their children to have fathers, so if we have a baby together she'll do want I want and keep me happy, so we can all be happy together'. Or, 'well she doesn't want me anymore, but I can get close to her and get her back in my life by pretending to be interested in the baby'