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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He tells me what to do

341 replies

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 15:49

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 26/01/2018 15:53

Run away, do not pass GO, do not collect £200.

This is the type of man who will become emotionally abusive when (and it will be a when) you don't meet his unreasonable standards.

8FencingWire · 26/01/2018 15:53

Run.

PNGirl · 26/01/2018 15:54

And this: "He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do" is bullshit.

Dragongirl10 · 26/01/2018 15:54

Another one saying RUN, he is very controlling.

Chewbecca · 26/01/2018 15:55

Don't like the sound of this chap at all.

Eolian · 26/01/2018 15:56

He has no right whatsoever to tell you what to do. This is not a normal relationship at all. He is disturbingly controlling. Run. Fast.

Janel85 · 26/01/2018 15:57

Omg he sounds awful, you should definitely get out at this early stage before his behaviour gets even worse, you must know it isn’t going to improve. Don’t fall down this rabbit hole, why have a life of misery!

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 26/01/2018 15:57

Tell him from all on mn to FUCK OFF
Job done..

expatinscotland · 26/01/2018 15:58

There's a reason why he's single, and that reason is that he is a controlling cunt.

RUN!

And do the Freedom Programme before you date again so you can spot creeps like this and not give them the time of day.

Original poster
AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 15:58

Another tactic is to accuse me of starting unnecessary drama when I raise something.

Apart from this, he is very wonderful though. He's been incredibly kind with me. He just can't seem to stop from being domineering. And now I am dreadfully worried that it is actually that I am genuinely very annoying and have bad manners.

I burped by mistake the other day and he said how dare you burp in front of me. I said it was an accident. He said no it wasn't. I said I can't believe you are even having this conversation with me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/01/2018 15:58

Why are you wasting time with him?

Dating is a probationary period for both parties. He's failing miserably. It's a no brainer.... get rid of him.

Runlovingmummy81 · 26/01/2018 15:59

He's abusing you. Leave.

happinessischocolate · 26/01/2018 16:00

It's only going to get worse, if he's like this after 2 months then imagine how bossy he's going to be after 6 months or a year?

Please walk away now, relationships like this destroy your confidence and self worth so that you end up being unable to walk away.

please leave him now

Original poster
AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 16:00

You really think this is abuse? I was hoping otherwise. I really like him.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 26/01/2018 16:01

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively.

So when he's given you a black eye or a broken arm for not doing as you're told, will it be down to you to perceive that positively, too?

He says I'm oversensitive.

You're not. But use this as your get out. Tell him (by phone or text) that you are indeed very sensitive to his criticism and you have realised you're not well suited, so for both your sakes you should end things. Don't see him in person. Don't get drawn into an argument. He sounds very unpleasant. Get yourself away from him.

SweetChickadee · 26/01/2018 16:02

How did you ever get past the first date? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

glow1984 · 26/01/2018 16:02

Run like the wind

Racmactac · 26/01/2018 16:02

2 months. Fuck that.

Run away very very fast

glitterbiscuits · 26/01/2018 16:03

Oh my God! This is NO basis for any sort of relationship.

Please break it off with him. If he’s like this in the early phase of a relationship what on Earth would he be like years down the line?

happinessischocolate · 26/01/2018 16:03

I dont care how wonderful and kind you think he's been, he's showing signs of being abusive and controlling and you have still only known him 2 months

It will get worse, a lot worse

Crumbs1 · 26/01/2018 16:04

The thing is my husband tells me what to do - don’t leg the dog on the sofa whilst I’m away. That sort of thing. I consider his advice and accept or reject it. Husband sees photos of dog on sofa and moans a bit about rules etc but that’s it.
You’ve known him a couple of months and he’s getting angry and telling you how to behave - that’s a very different thing from telling you what to do. That’s unpleasant and controlling.

userabcname · 26/01/2018 16:04

Good grief. Get out of this now!!! And don't ever let anyone treat you so badly again.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 26/01/2018 16:05

He's going to start hitting you at some point in the future so get out now while you can.

Chaosofcalm · 26/01/2018 16:05

Two months in and very thing should be perfect. If you are accepting this kind of behaviour 2 months in, think what he will be like in 2 years time.

Original poster
AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 16:05

He didn't reveal that he was like this at first. It has developed as the time has gone on. I've been thinking I can try to handle it. But we were at breakfast this morning and he makes an egg for me and then says eat your egg. I got momentarily frustrated and said what are you telling me to do now. And then I said I really have to say, I'm concerned about there becoming an imbalance of power. And he said don't you dare try to start an argument now. I won't put up with this behaviour.

OP posts: