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Original poster

Splitting restaurant bill

283 replies

Theapplestretching · 25/01/2018 21:01

This is a wwyd:

Went on a date last night. Dinner and some drinks.

At the end the waiter gave the guy the bill. He paid it. I didn't offer to split.

He's now been off with me. When I asked why, he said it was because I didn't pay my half of the bill, or even offer.

I was quite taken aback as he alluded to me being a gold digger. As I was annoyed I apologised and told him to send his bank details, so he hadn't wasted his evening.

To my surprise he has now replied with the details, saying 'if you want to pay, we can forget about it and move on'.

I also paid for the taxi to my house - we went together (not a first date).

Would you pay it and move on or finish it with him?

OP posts:
Emilybrontescorsett · 27/01/2018 08:38

The only way I'd pay on a date is if when I cooked a meal the date paid for half and did half the cleaning , or at least offered. By that I mean a through clean of the entire kitchen.
50/50 is great , but it has to be completely 50/50 so none of this well at hers she cooks and cleans but when I host I expect her to be independent .

LizardMonitor · 27/01/2018 08:46

Or maybe he cooks dinner for her at his next time....

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 08:52

I love the suggestion that he gets stuffed for the entire cost for the wider problem of the gender pay gap, when OP says they earn almost the same.

That would work in my favour... I get paid more than most of the men I've dated 👍🏻

What nonsense Confused

Emilybrontescorsett · 27/01/2018 08:56

Yes lizard I agree.
Fairs fair.

mustlovedogs · 27/01/2018 08:58

I've always offered to pay in the past. I don't like his attitude though. He could have just said at the time 'so it's 55 each'.

His tantrum is Confused I assume he didn't offer to pay half the ingredients of the meal you cooked?

ThamesRiver · 27/01/2018 09:00

*Howlongtilldinner
*
"I’m all for a bit of feminism, equal rights etc etc BUT, I don’t care what anyone says, if a man wants to split the bill in very early dating, I would question it, I’d offer, and split too, but I wouldn’t continue dating."

So let's be clear. You'd offer to split, but you wouldn't continue dating. So you're offering to do something that would piss you off?

You clearly ARE a princess, as your entitlement shows. Just be honest about your entitlement and stop pretending to stand up for equal rights

Well done for disproving you're own point so succinctly

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 09:07

@mustlovedogs I don't think it's always as easy as saying 'so it's £55 each' - otherwise, he would have done it!

It does sound like there was an (unfair) atmosphere of expectation that he had to pay:

  • OP had gone quiet. If you intend to pay, you say 'how much do I owe?' so for a start she was sending him signals that she had no intention of paying. Even people who don't like to talk money, can do the universal sign language of pulling out their purse!
  • there's a big weight of expectation from society that he who has the penis pays the bill - you can see that on this thread
  • even the waiter gave him the bill 🙄 Personal bugbear of mine, most places put in on the table in the middle. I refuse to add a tip for any server who hands the bill to the man

It sounds to me like he was in a situation where asking her to cough up would have been awkward. The onus was on her to offer, not him to have to ask, surely?!!

It's date 5, still getting to know each other. He said afterward that he was annoyed because she didn't even offer. Maybe he didn't ask her, because he wanted to know not whether she was the sort of woman who pays when asked, but who offers. He may have been perfectly happy to treat her - but not happy to be expected to treat her. I'd be with him on that - I love treating people, but they go down in my estimation if they just expect it!

LizardMonitor · 27/01/2018 09:10

Of course, Emily.

The OP here has said they earn pretty much the same, and her salary certainly is not rock bottom.

I would always be happy to pay my way, never expect a man to pay unless it was ‘I would like to take you out for your birthday treat’ (which I would be as likely to offer , too), and never expect to always do the cooking and cleaning.

As a long term prospect a man who demonstrates his understanding that household and domestic work is a non-gendered is much better than one who ‘treats’ a woman who can pay but won’t and accepts her domestic labour.

The OP and many women on this thread are buying into and advocating a world that propagates inequality.

Howlongtilldinner · 27/01/2018 09:21

thames I concede..best get my tiara dusted offConfused

FinallyHere · 27/01/2018 09:31

This is a tricky topic I think.

Not tricky at all for me. The purpose of dating is to get to know each other, find out what you think about things, what you say about yourself and what you actually do. There are no simple answers, we all have to work out what we want for ourselves, and hopefully think about why we are the way we are.

This helps to work out how people will respond to changing life experiences.

FinallyHere · 27/01/2018 09:33

Ah, yes, what LizardMonitor said

Nofilter · 27/01/2018 09:39

This would put me off him. He should want to spoil you and show his good side at the start gosh!!

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 09:47

@nofilter

Then you agree that he was right to be unhappy about her? Because she wasn't wanting to show her good side and spoil him?

NataliaOsipova · 27/01/2018 10:08

It's date 5, still getting to know each other. He said afterward that he was annoyed because she didn't even offer. Maybe he didn't ask her, because he wanted to know not whether she was the sort of woman who pays when asked, but who offers.

My point would be that he should have waited until date 6, to see if she said "oh, my turn, you got it last time" before he got the hump with her and decided she was a "gold digger".

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 10:16

Maybe he was waiting - it was the OP that brought up that he was being 'off'.

And OP I think has left the thread because it hasn't gone all her way.

If he was being a sulky arsehole, there's no excuse for that - even though she's still also in the wrong for not paying her way.

But she hasn't said that. "Off" can mean, just not as enthusiastic with slower text responses, which she picked up on and asked about - so he explained.

He didn't call her a gold digger. From the OP, that's her interpretation.

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 10:18

And dare I say it... If she posted on here if she had paid, I don't think most replies would be 'give him a chance, have date 6 and passively wait around to find out, potentially ending up with the whole cost again yourself, or at least half'.

No - she get told 'he has told you who he is' and 'after 5 dates, you don't owe him a chance to prove himself' and 'you should communicate - tell him you had a problem with it'.

Flipperflip · 27/01/2018 10:20

More fool him if he isn't prepared to call out a woman freeloading off him and refuse to pay her share there and then rather than moaning about it afterwards. Massive red flag when a woman sees sponging off a man as her entitlement.

Nofilter · 27/01/2018 10:21

Yes Elissandra - to be moody at this stage over that seems very resentful and would totally put me off..

If it was an issue he could have easily suggested they split it at the time..

But what about some good ol chivalry?? AND he let her pay the taxi not exactly like she’s being unfair.

For a new prospective partner to react in this way would be a huge red flag for me.

I’ve had Ex boyfriends spoil me with new designer handbags, trips away and you know what I felt absolutely great. I did the same but there was no calculation behind the scenes of a chart of who paid more or whatever.

Where’s the spirit of meeting a new person and just enjoying that - sounds like a horrid guy.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2018 10:29

But you’re not stupid, you know full well Mother’s take a cut in their earnings after children

What a ridiculous generalisation. Sahm is declining fast. Having a baby is a joint decision and men are also able to stay home, although few do. However in the overwhelming majority of cases women go back to work. In fact it's less than ten percent now who don't go back to work, which means 90 percent do.

Have you maybe been asleep since the 50s. The fact we became more independent with choices pass you by? The fact that stay at home parent is now the huge minority? That primarily both parents work?

Having a baby does not need to mean a woman takes a pay cut. Of course a small percentage do, but by no means the majority.

Toddle off back to the 50s. There's a dear.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/01/2018 10:30

Maybe more men should do what he did, I agree he should have called her out on it.

All this notion that men should pay and spoil the woman is nonsense and just makes woman out to be selfish and feeble in that they can't provide for themselves or anyone else.

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 10:34

He let her pay for the taxi?

He let her pay £10 when he'd just been stiffed for £110!!

Of course he let her pay for the taxi.

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 10:39

@nofilter do you not see my point that it could be difficult to raise it at the time, when the waiter had given him the bill, and she was making no move whatsoever to offer her share?

We can agree or not on who should pay, and his attitude afterwards - but I don't agree that it's so easy for a man to tell a woman to cough up, especially when there's all this pressure from people like you to be "chivalrous" or "treat".

Honestly - I'd have called the OP a gold digger to my friends, and known immediately that she wasn't for me. I am happy to treat - but she took the piss out of his treating, by not even offering.

Cambionome · 27/01/2018 10:41

"I'm all for a bit of feminism, but... "

Errr, I don't think you get to pick and choose on this! You believe in equality or you don't. You don't just agree with what benefits you directly and ignore what doesn't appeal i.e. paying your own way.

Really disappointed with some of the comments on this thread. Ffs. Sad

Cambionome · 27/01/2018 10:43

Completely agree with all Ellisandra's posts.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2018 10:55

Actually I've been in the situation where a male friend expressed concern about his girlfriend about this sort of thing. He's a high earner, well into six figures, and she a low earner, probably about 20k. But she never ever offered to pay for anything, and I mean anything, she wouldn't even buy a postcard when they were away together, expected him to pay the fifty cents. He never said anything to her, it's just too awkward, but it started to make him wonder why she was with him and if his salary was part of it.

I think many men don't like the feeling if it is something that's prolonged. Of course in the ops case, they both earn the same, so there is no excuse for her behaviour. I also think more men should call women out on this grabby behaviour, but I understand why they don't, both from a societal expectation perspective and the sheer awkwardness of doing so.

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