Splitting restaurant bill

[Theapplestretching]

This is a wwyd:

Went on a date last night. Dinner and some drinks.

At the end the waiter gave the guy the bill. He paid it. I didn't offer to split.

He's now been off with me. When I asked why, he said it was because I didn't pay my half of the bill, or even offer.

I was quite taken aback as he alluded to me being a gold digger. As I was annoyed I apologised and told him to send his bank details, so he hadn't wasted his evening.

To my surprise he has now replied with the details, saying 'if you want to pay, we can forget about it and move on'.

I also paid for the taxi to my house - we went together (not a first date).

Would you pay it and move on or finish it with him?

Good post, Bluntness.

I think the OP has disappeared from the thread because she doesn't like some of the responses.

But it's telling that she implied that they took it in turns paying, then clarified that they took it in turns to go to the bar. i don't know if this was the same date or a previous date. Presumably a previous one as at the Indian restaurant there was a waiter and £110 just for food for two is a lot, so this must include drinks.

The back story doesn't quite add up. Her cooking a meal at home, and nipping to the bar to get a second round of drinks on a previous date - that's not the same as paying half of several meals, and it's a bit disingenuous to imply it is. Has she ever paid for the whole bill?

I've been out on many dates where a woman offers to pay half when the bill comes. Usually I demur unless she seems very insistent, or unless she's been unpleasant company. Men are generally expected to pay for the first date. Some women say they'd dump a man who accepted half the money, some say they'd never see a man again who insisted on paying - , so it's like a test that the man must pass - does she really want to pay? Will she see me again if I don't accept? Will she see me again if I accept?

Possibly he's sat and worked out that over five dates, she's paid for a home cooked meal, two beers and his half of a ten pound taxi fare. And he's paid several hundred pounds worth of restaurant meals, other taxi fares, and cocktails she ordered.

He may have been getting more and more annoyed that she earns pretty much the same as him and yet seems to feel that paying a whole £10 taxi fare makes up for not offering to go halves on a £110 restaurant bill.

I agree with Ellisandra and Bluntness. They're both not suited for each other, but I think the man had a lucky escape.

it's like a test that the man must pass

It's not necessary that the man pass this test; he can simply have some self respect, not pay for another adult to fill their face and if they aren't happy about it then he can be happy to avoid going out with that freeloader again.

Given that the OP is a working woman with a decent salary, Those of you who think a man should pay, who would be ‘embarrassed’ if a man expected to split a bill or who would dump a man who expected to split the bill..,
How do you feel about a man who thinks a salaried woman on should offer to do the cooking and cleaning for him?

I thinks it's really odd that you didn't offer to pay half or mention getting the next meal out. I can understand why he was used off as £110 is a lot of money! But he should have just picked it up, said it's £110 so £55 each.

I think it’s a shame that this labelling even has to occur.

On a popular social dating site a while back I got the sense that a few of the men on there felt that they were exposed to women just wanting a free night out, that I can understand and hence why I swerved the whole thing. It feels so cheap when in fact a meeting of two new people should be fun and fascinating.

This has never once come up in any of my relationships and would definitely be such a petty negative conversation if a guy pulled me up on any amount of money be it a fiver or £100 - especially so early on I would know this person was not for me... i would find it insulting.

And nope this does not mean I am living in the 50s. I like the door opened for me and even a man to put my coat on at the cloakroom ahem

Clean and cook? What has this got to do with OPs question and my answer?

Good question, LizardMonitor

Sorry if it seems I am stalking you on this thread...I confess I am glad to read the occasional post that seems in tune with my own approach. I so value equality and, well, choice.

To answer some questions...

Date 1 - was drinks, I bought a bottle of wine and he bought two other drinks

Date 2 - casual dinner and drinks - he bought food and I paid for wine

Date 3 - another activity where we paid for ourselves then bought rounds

Date 4 - I cooked food and supplied wine

Date 5 - the date in question.

theapple He should be appreciative of you cooking for him, have you guys spoken since this??

You can easily spend £110 on an evening in a restaurant though surely?

4 or 5 dishes at a tenner each, bottle of wine (not the cheapest), starters, gin and tonic after?

Bant that's why a generalisation you've made there.. you sound pretty bitter.

We have spoken since, not sure if I'll see him again though.

I think you should have paid half. At the time.

Theapplesstretching. Thank you very kindly for the update, the facts make very interesting reading.

My reading would be that, since you had hosted him on the previous date, that it was his turn. However, I couldn't not offer to pay. I was already put off him, when you said that he was 'off' with you rather than explaining his expectations. His being off would put me off further, and the explanation that he expected me to go halves (given your explanation) would be the final death knell. I would count it as mo ey well spend, to discover that he was a tad mean, which for me is the ultimate turnoff.

As an aside, if i was dating someone who was much more well to do than me, I would have taken my 'turn' by cooking for him. I think it was a good thing, that you cooked for him. When his next move was an expensive meal out, I can see why you felt it was 'his turn'. I would not have been able to sit on my hands and no offer to pay half. I would also not have bothered with him again.

If it were me. I would have offered. You didn't because he just took care of it. No biggy. It happened. He could have asked if you were splitting the bill. It was a misunderstanding. Maybe you were expecting it as a treat after you cooked.

The telling thing is he sulked until you asked what was wrong and then he finally told you what was wrong. I can't be arsed With sulkers. I have enough of that from my three year old.

OP do you want to see him again
It sounds like he's understandably put you off. Ok you should maybe have offered to pay half but he could've just said at the time. It sounds like up to that point your dates were fair if anything you paid more given you cooked him dinner the previous date.
Maybe you were expecting him to treat you since you cooked dinner/got wine last time and then he suggested this one.
If you continued to go out with him are you going to have to be anxious about who pays for what each time? Not ideal.

Message him back and ask for half of the costs for the food and wine you provided for him.

The update is helpful! I stand by my earlier comment; if I’d cooked dinner for a man the previously time - and we then went out and he swept up the bill without comment, I would assume that meant “my turn”. I would then say “no, my turn” when we went out the next time.

I think based on that you were used to splitting so strange you suddenly stopped for such a big bill.

I do suspect he's quite tight though, and that's seldom attractive in a partner, of either gender.

Did you shag him? I ask because some twatty men feel they are 'owed' that after several dates and get the rat arse if not and then deflect.

I had a charmer moan that despite also taking it in turns (cost wise also being the same) he felt aggrieved about paying his turn on the last date and like hed got nothing out of them.

To my surprise several people understood and agreed with his reasoning. So now i wonder when i hear similar.

You dont have to answer that btw op sorry, just another possible reason that made myself and my friend muse when seeing your post.

Was he off with you after he paid. (I.e. In the taxi ride home and the rest of the evening) or did this 'off-ness' start the morning after the night before?

I agree with everything Ellisandra has posted.

If a friend says ‘let’s meet for dinner next week’, I don’t expect her to pay for me. Why on earth should it be any different with a man I’m dating?

Treating me as anything other than an equal AND failure to communicate politely are both red flags in my book.

So in fact OP did go halves on the first 3 dates, then paid for and cooked a meal with wine.

It was his turn to host.

It was his turn to pay.
He could have bought and cooked a meal for the op, provided drinks and then cleaned up, he chose not to.
Either way it was his turn.
He sulked when he didn't get his own way, and refused to see you cooking , preparing food providing drinks and all the cleaning that entails as hard work.
Bin him off this is very telling indeed.
He views cooking as not a real chore and sees the fact he took you to eat out as 'more'. No I'd get rid of him and tell him why. You treated him last time yet he doesn't value that.
Then block him before he spouts any more bollocks.