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Original poster

Splitting restaurant bill

283 replies

Theapplestretching · 25/01/2018 21:01

This is a wwyd:

Went on a date last night. Dinner and some drinks.

At the end the waiter gave the guy the bill. He paid it. I didn't offer to split.

He's now been off with me. When I asked why, he said it was because I didn't pay my half of the bill, or even offer.

I was quite taken aback as he alluded to me being a gold digger. As I was annoyed I apologised and told him to send his bank details, so he hadn't wasted his evening.

To my surprise he has now replied with the details, saying 'if you want to pay, we can forget about it and move on'.

I also paid for the taxi to my house - we went together (not a first date).

Would you pay it and move on or finish it with him?

OP posts:
babyccinoo · 28/01/2018 22:44

£110 for an Indian meal for 2 ???? shock

I'd expect a meal for 2 at any Indian restaurant around here to be £30 tops - £40 if you are big drinkers.

In London, restaurants like Benares, Dishoom, The Red Fort could easily cost £100 + for a meal and drinks. Indian food is not just your local curry house.

babyccinoo · 28/01/2018 22:45

I think based on that you were used to splitting so strange you suddenly stopped for such a big bill.

But OP never saw the bill.

expatinscotland · 28/01/2018 22:55

He's a sulker. Instead of speaking to you at the time, like a mature adult, who seethed privately and then sent PA message. Dealbreaker.

FlickingVees · 29/01/2018 15:32

I think you’ve got to bill him for half the food and wine you bought and prepared.
Bill him for the electricity used to cook the meal, and the time you spent doing everything.

Tbh if he’s tight like this he won’t change.

One of the things I use to see if I’m going to be compatible with someone is if they’re a generous person or a petty bean counter.

If they’re generous with money, they’re usually generous in other areas of their life. If they’re a me then you then me then you and very much keeping a tally in their heads then they’ll be a rotten lover and unsupportive in every way going forward.

I’d dump him, but bill him for the home cooked meal and wine first. I doubt you’ll see that money, but it might teach him a valuable lesson about how short his own arms, and how long his own pockets are.

Move on to someone who isn’t keeping score; someone with an open heart.

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2018 15:39

I think you’ve got to bill him for half the food and wine you bought and prepared.Bill him for the electricity used to cook the meal, and the time you spent doing everything

What a ridiculous thing to suggest, bill him for electricity and her time? Who would do that? The only thing it will teach him is she's a complete and utter nutter and provide him a good story to share with his mates.

NotReadyToMove · 29/01/2018 15:47

Ok so if the OP should have paid half, does it also mean that he should have proposed to pay half for the ingredients and drinks when she prepared the meal?

I think it’s very easy to just say ‘oh you’re just a gold digger’ because the OP didn’t propose ta the time. He could also have put the bill on the table in between them or aks her casual lay about going half etc...
But coming to her house, being fed and having drinks provided and THEN moaning that she didn’t split the bill isn’t on imo.

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 15:52

It was rude of him to suggest such an expensive restaurant AND pick all the dishes and then spring half of the bill on OP.

He should have checked with her beforehand if was happy to go Dutch on a meal costing £100+.

£35k is not a huge salary.

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 15:54

It was rude of him to choose such an expensive restaurant and AND choose all the dishes and spring half of the bill on OP. He should have checked beforehand with OP if she was happy to go dutch on abmeal xisting £100+.

The meals they had beige this were casual and did not cost that much.

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 15:54

Sorry double post

Thornyrose7 · 29/01/2018 15:59

I think if someone is happy to pay then they say so!
' I'll get this' is the usual comment. Op you could have picked up the cues at the time. But he is a sulky arse for behaving as he did and billing you. Time to move on for sure.

LineySt · 29/01/2018 16:00

Given the update I would suspect there's another variable at play here. What else might be be sulking about?

CardinalCat · 29/01/2018 16:12

Did he offer to go 50-50 on the cost and effort of purchasing the food and wine, preparing the meal and table setting, and cleaning up afterwards on Date 4?

My starting position would always be to go 50-50 while still casual dating, until something happens to break the pattern of splitting the bill. Sounds to me like date 4 broke that pattern. Yes, the OP could have placed her behaviour beyond reproach by offering to split date 5's bill, but given that she 'treated' him to date 4, she was perfectly entitled by his behaviour to expect him to be 'treating' her to date 5.

At some point surely most couples start going turn-about, rather than splitting the bill? I think the OP is being unfairly battered here.

That aside, the questions is- what do you want to happen OP? If you lie him and think this is a misunderstanding that you can work past, then you need to be stepping away from the computer and giving the bloke a call to discuss this. Enough of the texting- speak to him!

Ellisandra · 29/01/2018 16:15

@babyccinoo it wasn't rude of him to choose an expensive restaurant and order the dishes

The OP said she told him to choose the dishes as she doesn't know about Indian food. She chose the wine. Which I expect was 1/3 of the bill.

The OP in her updates also said that £110 isn't that much to spend, so she was clearly happy with the choice.

Whatever you think of whether he should pay, it's not fair to come back to the "him choosing the dishes" point, which has been done to death. OP didn't want to choose.

AuntyElle · 29/01/2018 17:07

But what about the fact that OP had provided the previous meal, including wine, @ellisandra?

RidingWindhorses · 29/01/2018 17:46

The OP said she told him to choose the dishes as she doesn't know about Indian food

Not true. She said he chose the restaurant and ordered for her, which she was happy to let him do as she wasn't a 'expert' on Indian food.

Either way it's extraordinarily gauche to choose an expensive restaurant and then demand payment.

NotReadyToMove · 29/01/2018 18:37

Ellisa the Op might have been happy with the price but it’s very presumptuous for that guy to just PRESUME she would be happy with that.

Even if the OP didn’t want to choose, he should have asked if she was happy with the cost imo.

Esp because the time before they were at her house - which can also be taken as a ‘going out is nice but too much for me, I prefer to stay at home so it’s cheaper’

flowersWB · 29/01/2018 18:40

A lot of people are saying that this thread is depressing but I'm not seeing many posts that flag out say men should pay?? Feminism isn't about rigidly splitting restaurant bills. It's about equality. Men and women can treat each other. Imagine if couples got calculators out at the end of each date. What a depressing way to live.
In this case there seem to have been 3 fairly even splits on dates followed by her treating him to dinner at her house (and presumably not asking for a contribution) therefore it seems reasonable that she'd expect the next date to be on him. Added to that him picking a very expensive restaurant and picking her expensive meal without asking her if she could afford it.
Her assumption that he was okay to pay seems fair enough to me...

Emilybrontescorsett · 29/01/2018 19:13

I agree flower.
He could have said come round to mine and il do the same for you.
Instead he choose an expensive restaurant and chose the food.
His choice. Now he's moaning about it.

Have you decided whether you'll be seeing him again op?

CharlieBoo · 29/01/2018 19:19

My brother goes on frequent dates (online dating) and you would be amazed at the amount of women who expect the man to pay... for my brother anyway it can get a little tiresome. His eyes light up when a lady offers to go halves or to buy drinks.. I would pay the half and not see him again.. I can see both sides so probably no help whatsoever

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2018 12:18

Instead he choose an expensive restaurant and chose the food

How bizzare. She has a say you know. At the five date stage it's more about suggesting and agreeing, it's not a three line whip where she has to go to where he states.

And she says she was happy for him to chose. As she's not into food apparently. None of us know if he said can I order for you or if she said you pick the food I'll pick the wine and he just went along with it..

RidingWindhorses · 30/01/2018 12:26

Not bizarre at all. She didn't have a say in the restaurant choice, he's the one who chose it. An expensive restaurant, which he then asked her to cough up half despite the fact she'd previously cooked a whole meal for him and provided wine.

She didn't say she didn't like food but that she wasn't an expert in Indian food, thus was content for him to choose it.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2018 12:29

Of course she had a say, unless she practices submissive crap. It's not hard To say no don't fancy that one, it's quite expensive. However she has stated she didn't think it was expensive.

And I didn't say she didn't like the food, I said she said she wasn't into food, which is what she did say.

RidingWindhorses · 30/01/2018 12:40

The point is he chose the restaurant himself, not in consultation with her. Of course she could have said on arrival 'I want to go somewhere else'.

She said wasn't 'massively into' food and that as she wasn't 'an expert' on Indian food, and as he had been several times before, that she was happy to let him choose.

He still behaved appallingly.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2018 13:04

Of course he behaved appallingly. However I disagree with you on how.

For me she had a say on the restaurant and she had a choice whether to agree or not, she could also have chosen her own food had she wished. I do not believe she had no option or was without the ability to agree. You seem to think she had no idea where she was going until she got there, but even then, she could have said, no I don't fancy this one,

Where I feel he behaved badly is not saying at the time, at sulking then giving her the bank details on her request. It's not on.

I do think she also behaved badly in not at least offering to pay half. It's very different going out for an expensive meal than cooking for someone at home. No one offers to pay half when someone cook something for you. But as they when going out always split then she should have offered. The thought process of well I made you dinner so you should buy me an expensive meal seems rather mercenary to me.

FinallyHere · 30/01/2018 13:08

No one offers to pay half when someone cook something for you.

But who doesn't at least turn up with a bottle of wi e, when invited for a meal?

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