Splitting restaurant bill

[Theapplestretching]

This is a wwyd:

Went on a date last night. Dinner and some drinks.

At the end the waiter gave the guy the bill. He paid it. I didn't offer to split.

He's now been off with me. When I asked why, he said it was because I didn't pay my half of the bill, or even offer.

I was quite taken aback as he alluded to me being a gold digger. As I was annoyed I apologised and told him to send his bank details, so he hadn't wasted his evening.

To my surprise he has now replied with the details, saying 'if you want to pay, we can forget about it and move on'.

I also paid for the taxi to my house - we went together (not a first date).

Would you pay it and move on or finish it with him?

He 'alluded' to her being a gold digger. That could mean anything. Plus, with hard to have conversations you can end up saying things in an awkward manner.

My exh was a millionaire when I met him. He's a multi-millionaire now. Whenever we had a date I'd split the bill with him, because - integrity. You see? If he wanted to go for a £300 meal, he'd go with his cronies because no meal is worth that much but anything up to £100 ish, halves, always.

mrsaxelrose off thread a bit but why do you say your DH doesn't have a claim on your property..?

My DH and I have been together 14 years and married 9. We have always kept our finance separate I've been married for over 40 years and we also keep our finances separate. Sometimes we go halves, sometimes one of us will be feeling flush and offer to pay for the other, sometimes one of us will suggest going out for a meal and the other will say I'm broke and the first one will either say OK or I'll pay. Holidays are slightly different, I pay for hotels and he pays for food and transport. Not quite sure how that tradition started but it works for us.

MrsTerryPratchett
I would have offered. Every time, every date.

Absolutely agree.

I also wouldn't date someone who didn't care about Indian food! 😁

Oh no, so we can never go on a date - I loathe even the smell

OP, you were wrong not to pay your half. If you couldn't afford it at the time it would have been easy to say 'my treat next time'.

He didn't cover himself in glory the way he responded but I bet he, like a lot of men, must get sick of being left to pick up the bill.

You say your last BF was rich so obviously got used to him paying. No obvious about it, I have been out with a couple of rich men but still insisted on paying my share.

Yeugh...

I'm not someone who thinks men should always pay but his reaction was poor in the extreme. And highly suspicious and unflattering.

Pay and leave it. Doubt you'll hear from him again. Probably best.

Pay your half, minus his half of the taxi and move on... without him!

Sorry just seen you’ve paid ...

Tbh it doesn’t bode well about his ability to resolve conflict or even talk things through. To be aggressive after the date with that text message is a red flag. He should be able to discuss it with you without it coming across as being confrontational. Something simple like the next time you go out, he says beforehand ‘would you mind picking up the bill this time as I paid for the indian’

You cooked for him last time, did he bring wine? Offer to pay for the ingredients. I see he didn’t offer 50% of the taxi either

Aggressive?
I'd want to actually have been party to th exchange before concluding that

All OP said was that he was 'off' and she asked why.
Could have gone:

• you're a bit quieter than usual, what's up?
• honestly, yeah, I am a bit quiet - I'm feeling annoyed that you just dumped me with the bill, didn't even offer to pay

Would that be aggressive, or would that be the holy grail of 'communication'

He didn't ask for her bank details, she sent them - along with a message about not wasting his evening. Which is way more aggressive to me than just saying "I'm sorry, I thought we were turn taking and you were happy as you didn't ask - but I should have offered. Can I treat you next time? Or I can transfer my share?"

And why would he offer £5 for the taxi when he's just paid £55 of her share?!

God - I am totally shocked by some of the posts on this thread.

We are in the 21st century mumsnetters - pay your way!! You are letting us all down here.

I would never ever eat a meal then not offer to pay half! That's extremely rude. If he then said that he will pay I would accept and thank them.

Sounds like a horrible man. Wouldn't have anything to do with him. LTB!!!

Why would it not be? Ttoally confused by that statement. Or do you also think that in addition to men paying for your company on dates they should also be willing to pay for you to quit your job and stay home, that you should always be paid for?
Not my scene, but if it's yours and you've found someone who wishes to keep you, go for it

I’ve never had a man pay for my company, thanks. I have had a man pay for the dinner HE’S invited me to have though.

If you weren’t living together would you invite your partner round for dinner and ask him to pay half the shopping bill from Tesco?? No? Why not? Same thing, it’s dinner.

My partner and I do not have children yet. But you’re not stupid, you know full well Mother’s take a cut in their earnings after children. What happens after maternity pay, if they can’t afford childcare and the woman is looking after the child at home? Should she be expected to pay 50/50 of all bills out of her child tax credits that she lives on because she’s no longer earning... I mean you couldn’t possibly expect the man to pay more I mean why should he pay for her to live in the house for less?

Your assuming everyone wants children. And even to live together. Some people don't want that

Now you’re just being ridiculous. I wasn’t assuming EVERYONE wants children and to live together fgs, but generally speaking MOST people do. Or do we now have to monitor saying that now incase we offend the minority of those who choose not to do that?

I went out on a date with a man who was working in London, second date. I got the train in and a taxi from Marylebone. He had booked the restaurant, a really nice Italian at the end of Marylebone high street.

We sat down and he asked if I would like some champagne, so I had a glass. Then another. He chose the wine, told me to order whatever I liked. And when the bill came suggested we split it

What would everyone think about that? He was on a higher salary than me, I had paid for my costs into London and 2 taxis.

This is a tricky topic I think.

@ILoveMrDarcy I would have headed that off at the pass. When I dated DH if he had suggested an expensive place, I would have said, "bit expensive for me, let's try... " then he could say, "no no my treat" if he wanted to.

I'm very plain that I split costs dating. Too many shits out there that think you owe them a shag. When we'd been dating months, it was me taking him to Venice, him taking me to Paris. But still equal.

He does a LOT of housework and is very generous. I'm not sure that's a coincidence.

I don't think that's tricky at all.
On just a second date, you should have zero expectation that the man pays for you. (unless you paid first date and he explicitly said his turn next)

I wouldn't consider your taxis part of the cost of the date - bus or tube!

As soon as you saw the menu, you should have ordered according to what you could afford. You shouldn't have ordered two glasses of champagne unless you were prepared to pay for them. Even if you thought he was offering to pay - you still shouldn't have ordered more than you were prepared to pay, because you should have genuinely been offering to split the bill at the end anyway.

I see it as he’s disappointed you turned out to be a woman who didnt even offer. I think you were being unreasonable

Some of the attitudes here are quite depressing, feminism is about equality not, equality when it suits. The OP has fessed up to being accustomed to the guy paying and her definition of paying half has been buying the drinks.

Seems as though the date has the measure of the OP IMO.

I mean... there’s a lovely Michelin started Indian restaurant in London that dinner could cost this much.

For all we know it was OP’s wine bumping up the cost anyway.

Either way, awful of you to not offer to pay half. Whilst he didn’t handle it well I’m not sure what he was meant to do at the table when you weren’t offering. I guess he could have said “ok to split it” or something but it all sounds so awkward woth you hit offereing it anything. And you seem to think the taxi cost of a tenner is a big whoop...

Yeah, he handled it badly but I think that’s because he was massively turned off.

Considering you cooked dinner and hosted last time, I would have done the same as you and let him order, and pick up the tab on this one.

Also you paid for the taxi.

And untill women have equal pay, we should factor in the pay gap if we’re going Dutch. Women are paid 20% less than men, so that’s the ratio I stick to.

Helps men see how gender inequality bites them on the arse as well.

I’d dump this tight-fisted moody sulking man child.
I think you’ve paid enough putting up with his judgemental arseholery, just sorry you sent the money. Did you actually see the bill... he could be playing you.

I’m all for a bit of feminism, equal rights etc etc BUT, I don’t care what anyone says, if a man wants to split the bill in very early dating, I would question it, I’d offer, and split too, but I wouldn’t continue dating.

I’m not a ‘princess’ and far from a ‘gold digger’, but a bloke generally wants t ‘treat’ a woman.

And yes, I’ve been with a bloke who did all this in the beginning, together 3 years, and nothing changed, he was a tight bastard. Mean with money and mean with his time and emotions too.

BIN the sulky, whiny git.

ELLISANDRA

I am not been patronising about my sister in the slightest. I haven't wrote that to have a dig at her. A sexist leech? WTF is that all about??

I’m of the opinion (when it comes to dating) that if they ask you for dinner, pick the restaurant and the food then they are the one to pick up the bill.
I have never paid for a meal when I’ve been asked on a date and I wouldn’t expect to either. But I also would never take the piss and order the wine or very expensive food - if they choose to do that then that’s up to them.
However I would always offer to buy the drinks if we went on to somewhere else, and if dates have been going well I then would offer to cook a lovely meal at my home, or do something nice and thoughtful for them.
If he picked the expensive restaurant and food with no consultation from you then the onus is on him to pay and I would have said “I’ll pick next time and treat you” or something along those lines.

He’s sound mean and tight... I could never date someone who wasn’t as generous as I’d be willing to be

“And untill women have equal pay, we should factor in the pay gap if we’re going Dutch. Women are paid 20% less than men, so that’s the ratio I stick to.”

Oh, god! Now I’m in a quandary, between you and Howlongtildinner (who believes in a ‘bit’ of equal rights ‘etc’ but would dump a man who didn’t pay) I don’t know what to do! I earn more than DH, and have dine since we were dating. Not a lot, probably 20%.

Should I make him pay 20% more because of the wider situation? Or all of it, because he is a man?