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Original poster

Splitting restaurant bill

283 replies

Theapplestretching · 25/01/2018 21:01

This is a wwyd:

Went on a date last night. Dinner and some drinks.

At the end the waiter gave the guy the bill. He paid it. I didn't offer to split.

He's now been off with me. When I asked why, he said it was because I didn't pay my half of the bill, or even offer.

I was quite taken aback as he alluded to me being a gold digger. As I was annoyed I apologised and told him to send his bank details, so he hadn't wasted his evening.

To my surprise he has now replied with the details, saying 'if you want to pay, we can forget about it and move on'.

I also paid for the taxi to my house - we went together (not a first date).

Would you pay it and move on or finish it with him?

OP posts:
Mellodrama · 26/01/2018 08:32

I wish people would read the OP before jumping in with their comments Hmm The OP has NOT said that she expected / expects him to pay, and has already mentioned that she has previously paid half, and/or cooked for him...

I'm a big believer in both paying your way, but his reaction is completely ridiculous and screams 'big sulking child' to me HmmEnvy

ShatnersWig · 26/01/2018 08:34

My previous boyfriend was very wealthy and always paid. I've possibly become accustomed to it. For that I hold my hands up.

Fair play, OP, to owning up to that one.

I was going to say you were a bit unreasonable not offering to pay, he was more unreasonable by being an arse. But having read this update, I'm inclined to think BOTH of you had a lucky escape if you don't see each other again.

RidingWindhorses · 26/01/2018 08:38

They haven't taken it in turns though. OP said that, then backtracked. She meant that when they were out for a drink, they took turns going up to the bar!

It makes no odds, either way he was a complete arse. Totally without any manners or any idea how to behave. You don't bill someone afterwards. Ever.

If I chose an expensive restaurant to take a friend or date to, ordered the food myself, I would expect to pay.

If he was surprised he could have tactfully suggested she picks up the tab for the next one.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/01/2018 08:39

I don't think I've been on a date where the man doesn't insist on paying.
I then of course, insist or buying the drinks for the rest of the night.
But that rarely happens either.
I'm more than happy to go 50:50 and I occasionally get to pay for a meal when I 'go the toilet' and pay the bill on the sly.
But any man I've been out with seems to want to pay.
I am nearing 50 though so maybe it's a generation thing???

Jayne35 · 26/01/2018 08:41

Both BU I think, op for not offering and him for not stating 'ok that's £xx each' when the waiter gave him the bill, that he went all moody and had to be asked what was wrong would put me off immediately - can't stand sulkers!

To be honest I probably couldn't afford to go halves on a restaurant that expensive but would have mentioned this before going in the first place.

offside · 26/01/2018 08:44

When I met my DH I always paid half of bills and set this expectation before we started dating, he was a bit taken aback at first and wasn’t very comfortable to start with as in his previous relationship he had always paid, but as I was so insistent with it he accepted that that was what I wanted to do.

As another poster has said, my company isn’t for sale. I think your previous relationship has affected your expectations, which, as in all previous relationships, isn’t very fair on who you’re currently dating.

Take it on the chin, lesson learnt and next time offer.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2018 08:55

Curious as to why you say you're accustomed to the man paying, when you paid your way the last four dates. Why were you not accustomed the last four times, but suddenly were this time. Was it the size of the bill?

I'm also quite depressed by the amount of women who expect the man to pay. On a fifth date you're not being asked out anymore, your agreeing to go out together and one person suggests a venue. Clearly the previous four dates practice was splitting, so why was this one was suddenly different.

And the whole, "I'm not into food so the man can decide what I eat", is weird as hell in my view.

arsenaltilidie · 26/01/2018 08:56

I suspect the split hasn’t been as even as the OP thinks.
£110 is quite a lot of money to spend on a date for someone on £35K.

grannytomine · 26/01/2018 08:59

It's January, probably a few days before payday. Maybe he didn't realise how much it would cost, maybe he was thinking I can't buy petrol or eat till pay day. Awkward situation to bring it up when OP hasn't offered.

HeckyPeck · 26/01/2018 09:00

OP cooked last time, so I assume she didn't bill him for the ingredients afterwards. As such, he should have treated her to say thanks for cooking last time. If he couldn't afford to split the bill, he should have chosen a cheaper restaurant.

Yes to this.

I might be getting suspicious in my old age, but did you see the bill/prices on the menu? Hope he didn't stitch you up!

SmashyCup · 26/01/2018 09:02

@bluntness it's just incredibly petty. I often pay a restaurant bill for a group of friends and other times they'll pick up the tab. Nobody keeps track but I guess it probably roughly evens out over time. To pick up the bill when it arrives at the table and choose to pay it in yourself then complain afterwards and demand money back from people is weird behaviour, especially on a date! This kind of attitude to money says a lot about a person's character. No way would I see this man again if I was the OP.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2018 09:03

I might be getting suspicious in my old age, but did you see the bill/prices on the menu? Hope he didn't stitch you up!

How's that even possible? Surely if she saw the prices and landed him with the bill it's her stitching him up? And max she'd have been paying her share, not his also, plus they always split before. Confused.

DivisionBelle · 26/01/2018 09:03

£50 a head in an Indian is not more expensive than £50 elsewhere ( with wine) if it is a quality restaurant with individually cooked dishes, either very authentic or else contemporary Indian cooking. Not all Indian restaurants feature the long menu of th same dishes everywhere, cheap meat in sauce....

cindersrella · 26/01/2018 09:13

I never payed the bill when me and my husband when on dates..... I still don't now. My sister always insists when she is dating though as she wants to be the independent woman. I don't criticise her she doesn't/didn't me. He should have said at the time

SillyLittleBiscuit · 26/01/2018 09:44

January is the longest month of the year money wise for most people. He couldn't have dealt with it better but may have panicked and it came out badly. I'd definitely have offered to go halves, even if I cooked previously, £110 is a fairly a hefty bill for a lot of people to carry on their own a week before February's pay day. I'd also like to think, that if I was the one who'd paid, I've been able to handle the "do you think we can go halves" conversation a little better.

If you do like him perhaps have a conversation with him about it? If not, cut your losses and offer to pay halves on your next dates.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 26/01/2018 09:46

Id of absolutely offered.

Ellisandra · 26/01/2018 09:53

@cindersrella I expect your sister pays her way because she is an independent woman, not because she wants to be the independent woman Hmm It's not for show, it's because she's not a sexist leech. Don't speak so patronisingly about her'

NataliaOsipova · 26/01/2018 10:16

Nobody keeps track but I guess it probably roughly evens out over time.

This is the best way to do it, surely? With people you see regularly, be it a date or be it friends. I understand the mentality of "I pay my share every time", but situations and contexts differ and it can come across as a little graceless and as though you are overly concerned with money. I have one friend who's like that even with going out for a coffee; everyone else is perfectly comfortable with one person going up and buying four coffees. It's easier for the cafe staff, it means more people to keep an eye on any small children present and it's much less faff than four people leaping up and each ordering "a cappuccino and a croissant" or whatever. There's an unspoken rule that people will take their turn. But she insists on counting out the £1.60 or whatever, which makes the dynamic slightly awkward. It's certainly not about budgeting for the week for her and she'd be no worse off than if she had to spring for a tenner every couple of months.

Similarly, I have a (male) friend who is good friends with a woman I know slightly. He was saying that she won't ever let anyone buy her dinner; and he was a bit perplexed by it. Because sometimes, with friends, it's nice to treat each other - and the person doing the "treating" enjoys being able to do it. As long as these things are broadly reciprocal, then what's the issue?

FinallyHere · 26/01/2018 11:10

What matters is that you both agree/are happy with your approach, and that if you are not, you can discuss the issue like grown-up, rather than by sulking and being off with you.

Good to find out that you are not compatible early on, a lucky escape i would callit.

snash12 · 26/01/2018 11:14

I would be so embarrassed if a man asked me to split the bill

Why?!

snash12 · 26/01/2018 11:24

This thread is depressing. With equality and feminism in 2018 I can't believe so many women on here still expect men to pay.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2018 11:43

As long as these things are broadly reciprocal, then what's the issue?

But they have not reached that stage yet, could you not be arsed to read the thread. They have split on the previous four dates.

I would be so embarrassed if a man asked me to split the bill. Why?!

Becayse for some reason she expects men to pay for her company.

With equality and feminism in 2018 I can't believe so many women on here still expect men to pay

Well said. It's sickening isn't it.

ShatnersWig · 26/01/2018 11:43

Funny how this has cropped up now when there is a 29-page thread on pretty much the same subject (but not incident).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3143538-should-men-pay-for-dates-or-at-least-offer-to-pay

Snash Have a look at that thread. It will depress you even more than this one

hellsbellsmelons · 26/01/2018 11:48

I don't 'expect' a man to pay.
They more often than not, insist on paying when it's a meal.
Never when I meet for a few drinks.
They are OK to take it in turns.
But a meal tends to be when men want to pay.

FinallyHere · 26/01/2018 11:56

But a meal tends to be when men want to pay.

The point is that if a 'man wants to pay' and you let him, before your relationship is sufficiently established to have joint or at least shared finances, then you are not establishing a partnership of equals.

If you are good with that, that's great. Be aware that there is, as they say, no such thing as a free lunch'. Keep an eye out for what return he expects, does he expect you to do the majority of the chores, what else will he expect to have the deciding vote on?

For some many of us, that would not be OK, especially in the early days of a relationship. HTH.

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