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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Its happened and now I'm scared.

194 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 21/01/2018 19:17

So anyone who knows me on here knows I was dating a wonderful lady but lack of free time and just a feeling of something missing. Anyway we broke up, she sent me a text basically saying everthing I was thinking. I told her I felt exactly the same. So we shared our mutrual appreciation for each other, said we'd keep in touch and said our goodbyes. As break ups go it was a very pleasant one.

Anyway I decided (based mainly on the problem of not having time for a relationship) to go back to causal relations. So back in the internet I went because a couple of my previous FWB have since entered relationships. I got talking to someone and what happen next was totally unexpected.

We got chatting, it was going well and we rang each other. It just flowed so well. We talked from about 12am to 7.30am. I don't think I ever talked to someone for over 7hrs on the phone before. We had a daytime social meet just to see if would click. It didnt work like that. We hit it off and things were amazing. Honestly had one of the hottest and funniest days of my life. The more we talk the more we both realise we have so much in common. The connection is amazing. I have always felt a bit lonely in a lot of relationships. I felt that it was unrealistic to find a woman totally on my wave length. And that (as I sort of knew) like with my last girlfriend i think has been the problem with others, great women but just that something missing. There is sometime different about her, for the first time (since my ex wife) I am actually feeling, something strong. Something that I thought was dead to me and would never return. I feel like a giddy love sick teenager. We talk every day. I have never been compelled to do that with any of the women I have dated. We can just talk for hours and it feels so natural. She is just on my level and it feels amazing.

So here's the danger and why I'm scared. One I am opening me up my self up to hurt. After all we have started of on a non exclusive FWB basis. From her side of the camp the messages seem to be the the same. She has stated that I am her priority. Like I say it's not exclusive and after years of Marrige she is using the oppertunity to explore Bi-curios feelings. I have no problems with this or open relationships. We are both very liberal in that way and I am not the posesive type. In away this works very well for me because I don't have to the time to give her sole attention she requires and I would not want to hold her back from exploring sexual desires after years of marriage. I don't want to change that or hold each other back from exploring. But I feel I want something more. Dare I say a relationship, all be it an unconventional open and fairly distanced (in terms of oppertunity to physically be with each other). The signals I think are the same from her. For example she asked me if it was ok if she went to meet a woman that shed arranged before we met. I said ok, I genuinely want her to be free, liberated and explore. But I did see that this as another sign that she may already see me not just as a causal sex thing.

So basically I'm a scared because feeling this way about her has come totally out the blue. Honestly I feel sometime really different about her, like she is what I have been looking for. Also scared because it could all come crashing down. So where do I take it from here? Dare I risk formalising the what I think is going on unofficially? I know she is is important because I am scared.

OP posts:
Chikka1971 · 30/01/2018 22:08

Thank you Offred.

Carouselfish · 31/01/2018 00:11

From your post, its length and the vocabulary, I would say you're someone who lives very much inside your own head. Creating future scenarios and reliving old ones in a rather melodramatic way. In order to have a good relationship you've got to see the other person for who they really are, not just who they are in your imagination. Let her tell you who she is gradually and naturally. And who she wants to be to you. Expect nothing. Let it all just happen and realise that the dialogue in your head has zero bearing on the outside world or on other people.

1forAll74 · 31/01/2018 03:40

I hope all goes well for you DAD. I have really enjoyed reading all your thoughts and ideas.. was much better than my book reading tonight.!

You should perhaps write a short story re relationships in all their many guises.

1DAD2KIDS · 31/01/2018 05:02

Well I have had a lot to think about and we have talked this through. We are both of the conclusion that we have maybe been moving a little fast. Caught up in the enthusiasm of the way we get on so well. So we have decided to just keep as we are going now with out putting any pressure for anything more or serious. Just enjoying the time we're having and getting to know each other. At the end of the day if it's right it's right so there is no rush, Im not going anywhere, nietger is she, we have all the time in the world.

She said to me that she has a habit of rushing relationships. But this time she doesn't feel she needs to. I asked why and she said because she trusts me, there's something that feels different in a good way.

I generally feel this is a healthier way forward and if it's right will yield better results longer down the line. As much as I am pig headed at times I think people who said We have moved too fast are right. But it does feel right, so if it is there is no need to rush anything. Just carry on enjoying it and see where we end up down the line.

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 31/01/2018 10:53

Gosh how you live your life sounds like a dramatic roller coaster. I’m worn out reading Grin

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 31/01/2018 11:00

Have to say I agree with Fluffy I'm exhausted reading this. Why don't both of you just enjoy the moment and spending time in each other's company without having to label anything. It's way OTT for me

1DAD2KIDS · 31/01/2018 11:26

Why don't both of you just enjoy the moment and spending time in each other's company without having to label anything. That is exactly the conclusion we have come to last night. It feels a lot better.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 31/01/2018 11:34

Sounds like a good plan and far more enjoyable too!

Bluedoglead · 31/01/2018 12:14

Look how quickly you’ve changed your attitude.

You would probably be best to work on your own self before you jump into a relationship. Some counselling would prob be helpful.

gettingthereshopefully · 31/01/2018 15:45

You wondered a few pages back why so many were keen on analysing you, DAD; the simple answer is that you give away so much, both in lengthy posts and personal details about yourself that it's hard not to.

To be honest I recall reading your posts when you first joined the dating thread months ago and after a few I felt bemused by the copious amount of descriptions you'd written about various sexual experiences with what seemed to be a huge quantity of willing female partners. Everything seemed just so wonderful in every single detail. Of course this is just my opinion but I quickly stopped reading what you'd shared as I couldn't understand why you were giving away so much but I noticed that other members of the thread at that point didn't seem affected in the same manner so I shrugged my shoulders and moved on from the thread.

My aim is not to be critical here. I just find all this unpleasantly excessive and rather worrying. I'd like to say that I'm delighted for you that this woman seems to get you but I fear that maybe you'll both self combust at some point in time in the not so distant future.

1DAD2KIDS · 31/01/2018 16:29

Bluedoglead I wouldn't say I've changed my mind so quickly. If anything I have been quite stubborn in the face of good logical advise. I cant be the only one who has ever argued the toss for a bit even when they knew the op's were right on that matter. I had been over thinking the situation and carried away in the moment.

gettingthereshopefully Well I do tend to type what's going on without filtering it for public consumption or really checking if it actually articulates the situation well, it a flaw.

What NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 said is bang on with regards to the plan going forward just enjoy the moment and spending time in each other's company without having to label anything.. This is a far better, more fun and frankly more relaxing approach going forward. There really is not rush for anything.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 01/02/2018 02:40

Wowee,, I am really relieved now, just to know that you are being real, and feeling happier. and think that you have perhaps learned a few pearls of wisdom from some of the very wise ladies on here.

Some people might like a whirlwind romance, all very romantic, but you can't have one as yet I don't think. so take it easy, happy days to you. !

SparklyMagpie · 06/02/2018 08:43

How you getting on 1DAD2KIDS?

BoreOfWhabylon · 06/02/2018 08:46

He's been banned

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/3157092-1CREEPYMANSPLAINER2KIDS

SparklyMagpie · 06/02/2018 09:30

Oh wow haha how on earth did I miss all this?!

Feel so stupid as I could tell something wasn't right but I had no idea about all his other posts Shock

Can't say I'm surprised though

CheeseyToast · 06/02/2018 10:06

Genuine question: have you considered getting therapy?

Offred · 06/02/2018 10:25

@cheeseytoast literally every thread he posted on relationships I told him on repeat ‘you would benefit from being single and having therapy’... I think it is probably pretty safe to say that no, he won’t consider therapy...

CheeseyToast · 06/02/2018 10:45

Ah ok offred that explains a lot...

SparklyMagpie · 06/02/2018 10:56

I just feel abit stupid having no idea about the majority of threads he posted on. Luckily I only saw him post some bog standard replies apart from his own threads

Just been reading some, how I didn't spot it

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