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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Its happened and now I'm scared.

194 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 21/01/2018 19:17

So anyone who knows me on here knows I was dating a wonderful lady but lack of free time and just a feeling of something missing. Anyway we broke up, she sent me a text basically saying everthing I was thinking. I told her I felt exactly the same. So we shared our mutrual appreciation for each other, said we'd keep in touch and said our goodbyes. As break ups go it was a very pleasant one.

Anyway I decided (based mainly on the problem of not having time for a relationship) to go back to causal relations. So back in the internet I went because a couple of my previous FWB have since entered relationships. I got talking to someone and what happen next was totally unexpected.

We got chatting, it was going well and we rang each other. It just flowed so well. We talked from about 12am to 7.30am. I don't think I ever talked to someone for over 7hrs on the phone before. We had a daytime social meet just to see if would click. It didnt work like that. We hit it off and things were amazing. Honestly had one of the hottest and funniest days of my life. The more we talk the more we both realise we have so much in common. The connection is amazing. I have always felt a bit lonely in a lot of relationships. I felt that it was unrealistic to find a woman totally on my wave length. And that (as I sort of knew) like with my last girlfriend i think has been the problem with others, great women but just that something missing. There is sometime different about her, for the first time (since my ex wife) I am actually feeling, something strong. Something that I thought was dead to me and would never return. I feel like a giddy love sick teenager. We talk every day. I have never been compelled to do that with any of the women I have dated. We can just talk for hours and it feels so natural. She is just on my level and it feels amazing.

So here's the danger and why I'm scared. One I am opening me up my self up to hurt. After all we have started of on a non exclusive FWB basis. From her side of the camp the messages seem to be the the same. She has stated that I am her priority. Like I say it's not exclusive and after years of Marrige she is using the oppertunity to explore Bi-curios feelings. I have no problems with this or open relationships. We are both very liberal in that way and I am not the posesive type. In away this works very well for me because I don't have to the time to give her sole attention she requires and I would not want to hold her back from exploring sexual desires after years of marriage. I don't want to change that or hold each other back from exploring. But I feel I want something more. Dare I say a relationship, all be it an unconventional open and fairly distanced (in terms of oppertunity to physically be with each other). The signals I think are the same from her. For example she asked me if it was ok if she went to meet a woman that shed arranged before we met. I said ok, I genuinely want her to be free, liberated and explore. But I did see that this as another sign that she may already see me not just as a causal sex thing.

So basically I'm a scared because feeling this way about her has come totally out the blue. Honestly I feel sometime really different about her, like she is what I have been looking for. Also scared because it could all come crashing down. So where do I take it from here? Dare I risk formalising the what I think is going on unofficially? I know she is is important because I am scared.

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 21:27

Bluedoglead yep, but spent 2-3 hrs a day talking for the last 3 weeks. That far more than I would normally do. And trust me if it wasn't for work and family it would have been far more by now. We are getting to know each other well and the goal posts are changing. We have another date on Friday because I am kids free, hooray!

OP posts:
Offred · 23/01/2018 21:29

spent 2-3 hrs a day talking for the last 3 weeks

Too intense.

1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 21:30

Offred to be fair to her she's not pushed that as a condition. It was something set up before we met. It would be unwise to bin such prior arrangements off the you look forward to on the basis of meeting someone on the grounding of something causal. It is sort of by pure chance that we hit it off better than expected.

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 21:30

I had gone out specifically not to find a relationship.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 21:31

It isn’t real. While you’re chatting not dating. It’s not real.

1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 21:33

Offred Too intense. agreed. Its not my norm. A phone call a week if your lucky is normal for me. But we both want the phone calls, we both enjoy them. Whats the harm? We never run out of conversation or laughter. Its like she is totally tapped into my wacky mind.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 21:33

I don’t spend 2-3 hours a day talking to my OH. (We don’t live together).

Few texts - a good morning one, odd wee messages, chat some evenings not every evening, and text night night.

I spoke to him at lunchtime today. He’s over here tomorrow.

I wouldn’t be chatting all night for hours and hours how do you go to work? Do your housework?

Offred · 23/01/2018 21:37

I didn’t mean she was too intense.

I meant spending 2-3 hours a day over three weeks talking and one date is too intense.

You are too intense about her too.

As for going out specifically not to find a relationship and ending up like this is EXACTLY the problem and why I have said before that I think you should stay away from dating, FWB etc

If you are not looking for a relationship it shouldn’t matter how much you like someone you meet, the reasons you are not looking for a relationship remain. If you end up falling into a relationship despite not wanting one/thinking it is not a good idea it is as clear a signal as you can get that you shouldn’t be dating/FWB/whatever. The best that can happen is you mess up something that could have been good because you are trying to be ready for a relationship you are not ready for and the worst is that you end up (again) married to and unstable person who abuses you.

Offred · 23/01/2018 21:41

Please remember that abusers are extremely good at appearing to be exactly what you imagine your ideal partner would be at the start.

Coupled with the intensity of the communication this is worrying because it indicates impulsivity and lack of sensible boundaries (from both of you).

You have DC who depend on you for stability because their mother is a mess. You cannot afford to be swept away like this.

1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 21:41

Bluedoglead Do your housework? FFS of course I do my house work. I work full time, I work my fucking balls off. I normally get a couple of hours after 8pm when kids are asleep (if not at work on lates). Plus often I will talk on loud speaker while doing the dishes (that's also when I squeeze the dishes in or ironing). What's wrong with enjoying conversation with someone you just seem to have loads to talk about? With my ex wife our level of conversation was about the same as yours with OH. I didn't know there were rules on how much conversation you can have?

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 21:42

So where are your kids while you’re investing all this time in a fantasy?

Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 21:44

You have inappropriate boundaries. With your ex wife and with this latest squeeze.

You need to go and do some work on that before you’ll be anywhere near ready for a relationship or you’ll just lurch from one instability to the next.

And that’s before you look at what you’re portraying to your lash friend.

Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 21:44

Lady not lash. Phone.

Offred · 23/01/2018 21:48

And all that said I do understand that it can be difficult and miserable to feel like you are facing a life of no fun or adult company. Especially when you have had a bad marriage and have ongoing issues re an unstable co-parent.

I can promise you though that it is a good investment to spend time alone working on yourself. It will really help you to actually find a happy and healthy relationship.

1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 21:52

Offred as always I value what you have to say. You know a lot of my back story and your line has always to have a break. You sow element of self doubt into my head and maybe for good reason. The only person I loved and felt real passion for was my ex wife. And we did more very fast. The difference Is suppose this time is at least I am both not able or willing to move into territory that would see me share my wider life with anyone. My aim is to have a very big soak period to identify areas of concern in her personality. But I think she is noting like my ex. However I do know you can be manipulated and reality altered. I just hope I can spot the signs these days. I don't want to let this fear destroy future opportunities. As to when I am ready, I always thought things will just work out naturally. How do you know if you ready or not?

OP posts:
Offred · 23/01/2018 21:53

In this relationship and in the last one you have not been true to yourself.

In the last one you continued dating her until she dumped you despite knowing for a significant period that you weren’t feeling it.

In this one you adamantly did not want a relationship and now you are getting really carried away.

Until you have the emotional security to be true to yourself in a relationship you are playing Russian roulette by having any relationship IMO.

You will end up getting hurt.

1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 21:56

Bluedoglead bloody hell, the reason I cant go on physical dates hardly ever is because of the kids. FYI their mum is having them for the weekend. I am seeing her Friday and spending the rest of the weekend in London doing my hobby? Is it not ok for a single parent to have a break?

OP posts:
Offred · 23/01/2018 21:58

Cross post but weirdly a good reply.

You know you are ready when you are comfortable being completely alone and there is no urgency just to have someone in your life, when you know you can be true to yourself in relationships, when you are not tempted to fall back into past patterns that have led to disasters in the past and when you find you don’t lose your head completely when you meet someone you really like.

Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 22:04

Of course it is

But you need better boundaries. This is a fantasy at this stage. It isn’t real.

He w horrid must she be to be planning to play at being gay or to tell you she doesn’t want a relationship and yet be 24/7 available for you?

Something about this doesn’t make sense and you can’t see it.

You want a relationship. And thatsok. But you’re not being honest to yourself even. And you’re definitely not in the right head space for a proper adult non dramatic relationship.

Choclover27 · 23/01/2018 22:05

I’ve felt like you 1dad2kids. A few times. All three I had major connection with. And talked for hours on the phone.
One guy remains married and that’s not to me. Sadly. And I loved him for 25 years. I’m the mug.
One, it turned out, wanted me to attend sex parties. No thanks. Goodbye.
One was a serial dater with false personas and lied through his teeth about everything.

So I’ve got off the chemistry rollercoaster.
And now I’m seeing a comparatively ‘dull’ guy. Who it turns out, is awesome in bed, kind, considerate and drama free. I’ve swapped the theme park for a three day walking holiday with him and my dog !

I’m afraid you’re in Thrillsville! Good luck

1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 22:13

The thing is when we met both of us did not want or looking for a relationship. She had already set up trying new things. Hence the nature of where we met. But the trouble is we have hit it off far better that expected and the goal post seem to have moved.

(Although granted my experiance of causal dating is often women causally date out of low expectations of men or possibilities of a decent relationship, more than they don't want a relationship. Just my anidotal experiance)

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 22:14

But you haven’t had even a dinner date. You haven’t shagged.

1DAD2KIDS · 23/01/2018 22:17

Choclover27 granted time will tell. The connection is there but im not putting up with any shit im unhappy about. I am happy to walk away should we hit personal red flags (some of mine are different to yours or others).

OP posts:
Offred · 23/01/2018 22:17

The thing is when we met both of us did not want or looking for a relationship

  1. You don’t know her well enough to know whether she is manipulating you.
  1. If she is not manipulating you then that means both of you are not being very sensible TBH.
Choclover27 · 23/01/2018 22:20

Just keep us updated !!!