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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Its happened and now I'm scared.

194 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 21/01/2018 19:17

So anyone who knows me on here knows I was dating a wonderful lady but lack of free time and just a feeling of something missing. Anyway we broke up, she sent me a text basically saying everthing I was thinking. I told her I felt exactly the same. So we shared our mutrual appreciation for each other, said we'd keep in touch and said our goodbyes. As break ups go it was a very pleasant one.

Anyway I decided (based mainly on the problem of not having time for a relationship) to go back to causal relations. So back in the internet I went because a couple of my previous FWB have since entered relationships. I got talking to someone and what happen next was totally unexpected.

We got chatting, it was going well and we rang each other. It just flowed so well. We talked from about 12am to 7.30am. I don't think I ever talked to someone for over 7hrs on the phone before. We had a daytime social meet just to see if would click. It didnt work like that. We hit it off and things were amazing. Honestly had one of the hottest and funniest days of my life. The more we talk the more we both realise we have so much in common. The connection is amazing. I have always felt a bit lonely in a lot of relationships. I felt that it was unrealistic to find a woman totally on my wave length. And that (as I sort of knew) like with my last girlfriend i think has been the problem with others, great women but just that something missing. There is sometime different about her, for the first time (since my ex wife) I am actually feeling, something strong. Something that I thought was dead to me and would never return. I feel like a giddy love sick teenager. We talk every day. I have never been compelled to do that with any of the women I have dated. We can just talk for hours and it feels so natural. She is just on my level and it feels amazing.

So here's the danger and why I'm scared. One I am opening me up my self up to hurt. After all we have started of on a non exclusive FWB basis. From her side of the camp the messages seem to be the the same. She has stated that I am her priority. Like I say it's not exclusive and after years of Marrige she is using the oppertunity to explore Bi-curios feelings. I have no problems with this or open relationships. We are both very liberal in that way and I am not the posesive type. In away this works very well for me because I don't have to the time to give her sole attention she requires and I would not want to hold her back from exploring sexual desires after years of marriage. I don't want to change that or hold each other back from exploring. But I feel I want something more. Dare I say a relationship, all be it an unconventional open and fairly distanced (in terms of oppertunity to physically be with each other). The signals I think are the same from her. For example she asked me if it was ok if she went to meet a woman that shed arranged before we met. I said ok, I genuinely want her to be free, liberated and explore. But I did see that this as another sign that she may already see me not just as a causal sex thing.

So basically I'm a scared because feeling this way about her has come totally out the blue. Honestly I feel sometime really different about her, like she is what I have been looking for. Also scared because it could all come crashing down. So where do I take it from here? Dare I risk formalising the what I think is going on unofficially? I know she is is important because I am scared.

OP posts:
StatelessPrincess · 24/01/2018 16:32

1DAD2KIDS There's nothing wrong with it, if you both are happy, it would have most people running for the hills so I suppose it's good you have found each other lol the point I'm trying to make is that there is no need for the over analyzing and worrying, it is a total waste of time because you simply do not know her properly yet so cannot predict what will happen, what you will want out of it, what she will want etc. You don't actually seem to want anyone's advice, I'm not sure why you started the thread.

1DAD2KIDS · 24/01/2018 16:35

Teensandfuture what I have to offer. Well time is a problem. Maybe because of my circumstances I should give up on the idea of any relationship? I can only offer a few days here and there when I am kid and work free. I am in no rush to mix family and relationship. But for me to do that would only be after being together a long time in a secure relationship with a good chance of a long future. Surely I would be unwise to mix the two without those conditions. It's not a issuse of commitment. If you are referring to woman I was seeing before she was a dam decent person. But I was not feeling it. MN is full of posts saying 'Oh he's a really good man but I don't love him'. The general consensus is well leave him. Would you advocate staying with a decent person you did not love? How would that be fair to either party? At the end of the day I am open and honest with her about my circumstances and opinions. Surely it's for her do decide if she want to date me.

At the end of the day I like her, we have are enjoying each other. Who knows where it will lead. All I'm saying is we connected and want to give it a chance to be more and she seems to want to too. Something feels different, I asummue it's a lot to do with how much we get on.

OP posts:
Cadence70 · 24/01/2018 16:44

The thing is, this intensity never lasts, you can't possibly keep it up, the feeling like a giddy lovesick teen is not real
I'm aware that I may be projection because I've been on the receiving end of this behaviour and got carried away with it to my detriment
I had the long phone calls, the "I feel like a teenager " literally thousands of messages, never felt like this, such a connection etc
Until I started having feelings, then he totally backed off and I was left wondering what the fuck just happened
If you are decent human being you will slow down, have a grown up conversation about what you both want and what you can realistically give and expect from the relationship
Don't mislead her, be honest and don't love bomb her, it's just cruel

1DAD2KIDS · 24/01/2018 16:55

MiniTheMinx Thanks for that reply. Some of what your saying is resonating. But let's clear up what's going on with the causal v relationship side. To be clear we started off on the premise of causal but we are getting on so well that I would like to have more, she is on board with this. You have me worrying now that she will be needy of my attention. Which I am happy to give, providing I have the time. After all its not a drag, I like talking and spending time with her. But you make me fear I am not enough and/or problems relating to me not being able to give her the attention she desires. Do you think its worth talking to her about what both of our expectations of each other is this early? Lay some bounderies?

StatelessPrincess some wanting to talk all the time normally (and has in the passed) sent me running for the hills. But this time I am really enjoying talking to her (not that I didn't want to talk to the others). I think it's nice, if not a bit vom inducing.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 24/01/2018 16:57

But you’ve spent v little time with her

1DAD2KIDS · 24/01/2018 16:58

Cadence70 that intensity is what scares me. I don't do intensity like that (there was a little with my ex wife, which don't boad well). But I am wrapped up in It and I do feel it. It feels good but I do fear I'm heading for a fall.

OP posts:
Cadence70 · 24/01/2018 17:04

But you are doing intensity like that, you're saying one thing and doing another
What do you think she is taking on board from seven hour phone calls etc?

What will you do if she starts talking this seriously because of your input, will you go with it or will you suddenly decide time is an issue again and it wasn't supposed to be serious etc?
I cannot tell you how damaging it is to be on the receiving end of this, take a long hard think about you actually want, then tell her and see if she wants the same

Teensandfuture · 24/01/2018 17:09

What will you do if she starts talking this seriously because of your input, will you go with it or will you suddenly decide time is an issue again
He'll run away while saying "I didn't promise you anything"

1DAD2KIDS · 24/01/2018 17:10

Cadence70 that what I'm saying I am doing intensity this time, it's not normal. With her I feel compelled to. But yes that's a very good point, I must be careful of anything committal untill I'm 100%. And that will take lots of time and getting to know each other

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 24/01/2018 17:18

Plus I think some people have got carried away with the scope of this. It's not like I'm saying I want to marry her or anything like that. All I'm saying is I really get along with her, get excited about talking to her and want to try properly dating her and see where it goes.

OP posts:
Teensandfuture · 24/01/2018 17:27

Dad
Have you decided what you want now?
Then speak to her and see if she reciprocate

MiniTheMinx · 24/01/2018 17:41

Maybe you two could discuss your expectations, yes. It's no bad thing. But don't be too prescriptive, relationships are dynamic and good ones develop and grow. If you get to know each other, in a few months, she will probably understand why you can't devote a lot of attention to her, as long as she knows that if you could you would, and you want to. A woman who is prepared to wait for the right man, and that man is you, is probablya woman worth making time for. Who knows, perhaps you might then feel able to mix family life and relationship. But there is no rush. I think what is key is to make certain she understands how you feel about her and your reasons for taking things slowly.

Because others have warned against intensity I'll share my experience. DP was very intense from day one. Very much in love. We talked for hours, still do. Slept curled up together, still do. I am the first person he rings if something bothers him. We laugh, we cry on each others shoulders, we miss each other dreadfully even if I'm away (work) for one night, and both of us have said we had never felt like this before. And if I hadn't met him, I'd never have felt this way. I'm happier, more secure, more confident and more settled than I've ever been, and I feel safe. He was romantic and intense, I was totally swept off my feet, and at no time has he ever allowed me to doubt how much he loves me. We live together, and we are planning a wedding, life is definitely very lovely and I'm sitting here excited because he will be home very soon. And I'm a cynical moo!

Estellanpip · 24/01/2018 19:16

This is all so very, very dramatic. Two red flags (there are more but these are the most important ones in my eyes): this is all about....you. You've referred to yourself many times, me this, my that. And this, 'she's the female version of me. What you're doing here is seeking validation about yourself via your love life.
You're on an ego high. Now that isn't to say you're a wrong'un or doing this deliberately, but you do need to take some time, actually however long it takes, to sort your head out.
You don't know whether you're coming or going, your posts are so conflicted (on one hand you're terrified by this mad connection, it's like nothing else ever before, you've hit it off- what's the problem then?- yet on the other, you are not looking for a relationship and are happy for her to see other people), so I can't imagine this woman having a clear idea of what's going on, either.
Secondly, you've met once.

1DAD2KIDS · 25/01/2018 17:12

Teensandfuture, MiniTheMinx I think communicating our expectations (that granted may change with time) is the best way. Lucky it feels so easy to be my self with her and I don't think this will be a problem with either of us.

MiniTheMinx thank for your insight and sharing your story. A few things you have said have resonated with me, what going on and her needs. I need to chill, let things flow naturally and enjoy. Like you said these things are dynamic. The scope of things has already changed since we first met. I don't think either of us expected to get on so well. In the long run what we'll be we'll be. All I know is I really like her and I acctullay want to give it a change of growing into something different. My limitations are my limitations, I can't change that. But in reflection I think I have hidden behind my limitations in the past to keep a distance. But with her I don't want to and thus have found the time to communicate way more than normal. This time my contact is held back solely by limitations rather than willing. Time will tell if she is willing to accept my limitations longer term. Thanks for sharing your story. What you have with dp sounds really special and rare. Plus really uplifting. I hope all goes well with the wedding.

Estellanpip this is all about....you not sure if I get what you mean. It is a lot about me because the thread is about dealing with some new feeling and the challenges they pose. It's not about Tim or Maggie or whoever else. Just the same as most threads on the relationship area. Most of them are individuals talking about their individual challenges and feelings. But your right in terms of a high. These feelings have felt good and exciting. It's now time to ground myself and take things forward more calmly and cautiously. I Like the fact that she is like me because when I talk to her she dosent say what planet you on, or your interest in all that history/science etc is boating or I just don't get your humour. She seems to like the fact that my mind works at a million mph, that i often go off on crazy tangents, that i over think things and plan many move ahead. Shes on the same wavelength and we mentally bounce off each other so naturally and easily. Maybe that is validation in terms of not being the only one like me? Or not being afraid to just let my mind and tongue lose. But what's wrong with two people who get each other and bounce off each other? Are you saying I'm better with someone that don't get me? Who is on a different wavelength? Granted when I met her I wasn't looking for a relationship, neither was she. But then we didn't expect to hit it off so well. We are allow to change.

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow and seeing her agian. She is staying round and we'll get some quality time together. See where things go from there.

OP posts:
Estellanpip · 25/01/2018 17:32

No, not really what I meant, I meant you seem self involved and dating her is like holding up a mirror to your own qualities, so really it's not about her at all.
Happy to be wrong, though, hope it all goes well for you both.

MiniTheMinx · 27/01/2018 09:16

Thank you 1DAD2KIDS. I hope your date went well

1DAD2KIDS · 29/01/2018 03:20

MiniTheMinx Absolutely brilliant. It was so much fun and such a good laught. The chemistry and connection in all aspects fitted perfectly. I know a lot of people have been warning me and I understand why. I know people question my judgement and reality of the things I feel. But I am now a true believer in this could be something pretty special.

It's intresting, some of the things you have said leads me to see you do have a fairly good grasp of her nature and needs. She is needy but she says she knows the attention I give her is what I can and she is very happy with that. So daily contact is a rule, even if its just to say goodnight or I can't talk today (which somedays is all). She is conent just to know that a lack of contact is because I cant, not because i dont want to. I think there is other aspects to her needs that you understand.

So we have had a talk about our expectations, what we want and how we want to play it. We have had to most completely frank and honest conversation. We have exposed our selfs totally to each other. We have taken the risk of complete disclosure v rejection. I'm glad we did because it has aligned us more. We both see a relationship model that we thought was impossible (and to some probably immoral) but have always seen as the right one. We have nailed our colours to the door and set bounderies. It has been a huge weight of each other and feels tottally liberated and my true self.

We now have now defined it, got a frame work and it's fair to say we are a couple (oddly a lot of the people we were talking to in the pub assumed we'd been together for years, not on our second date). It just feels completely right and liberating. I'm not sure if anyone could truly see what I see from my shoes. We are both not conventional people but we see the same.

The biggest and most exciting rule we have set is only of complete disclosure and frankness of our true feeling and thoughts (even at the risk of the other not liking them or hurting feeling). That way we can always understand each other's view and find a path forward. I'll probably get flamed but I feel like I have found home, I have a feeling I have not had before. One of true freedom and acceptance. How ever cynical people may be of it, this is my true feeling and perception on the ground. I dont expect people to understand or aprive of whats going on here. But i know it fits. I suppose now we just keep moving forward and time will tell. And i think as long as we continue to feel free and safe to be brutally open and honest with each other it stands a chance.

I don't expect people to understand or approve. But

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 29/01/2018 05:49

Just be careful, this is going very fast.

Something seems off to me but then it's not my relationship

Offred · 29/01/2018 10:03

Oh god dad...

You can’t have promises of complete disclosure/honesty on date #2!

Anyone who promises this is either very superficial in that they feel it right then and just say it without sufficient regard for how they will feel later or whether it is sensible or not or a deliberate manipulator.

Complete disclosure/honesty is not really achievable.

She’s also done some ‘telling you who I am’ stuff too which is worrying - she’s needy and needs contact daily?!

This has red flags everywhere for being a relationship that burns with intense heat and crashes with intense pain TBH.

Offred · 29/01/2018 10:05

We both see a relationship model that we thought was impossible (and to some probably immoral) but have always seen as the right one. We have nailed our colours to the door and set bounderies. It has been a huge weight of each other and feels tottally liberated and my true self.

This is classic idealising...

This is usually followed by creeping paranoia, suspicion and abuse.

Offred · 29/01/2018 10:10

And I’m sorry but everything about this woman is screaming BPD traits...

Teensandfuture · 29/01/2018 13:44

Can you elaborate Offred
What exactly screaming BPD?

I don't see her as that needy by the way,I for some reason think OP is the one encouraging neediness.

PoorYorick · 29/01/2018 13:46

Why would some people see your relationship as immoral?

Estellanpip · 29/01/2018 13:49

What was all that leading up to then? Is it an open relationship?

Teensandfuture · 29/01/2018 13:49

Because its an open relationship PoorYorick when they both are allowed to experiment with other people.