NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

NK that's great, day 21! Well done and good luck with your ongoing NC.

appella you are doing fantastically, what incredible progress you've made, an inspiration.

Hard to keep up with everyone, but it sounds like lots of challenges but tons of progress. Am so grateful to this thread and you all, helps keep me focused. I'm still in contact with mine but really mindful of not getting too involved, and super vigilant about getting 'hooked' into my previous anxious waiting for messages.

So I'm going to check in as Day 1 of complete non-initiation by me. Yep, I think I need to get my self-discipline back.

Urgh. Bad morning.
Both dc are dyslexic and hate school.
school is: 'hmm, we are not sure' (dd cant write the word Dad on the front of an envelope and she is 10... she is superbright though, eg at chess I have yet to meet an adult she cant beat). So tears at brekkie (she cant eat) / borderline school refusal again. every day.
SO frustrating. Because both kids behave beautifully (Head Boy, prefects etc) School see 'no issues' but I have a minefield of misery at the beginning and end of every day. I just want to go back to bed and cry myself tbh.

BUT: In the night I woke at some point (I sleep badly) thinking of HIM but the words that came loudly into my head were:
'Decrepit Old Man'

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last time, afterwards, as I was hiding under the covers not wanting to walk naked to the bathroom (fat, body doesnt work well) he was standing in my hotel room, naked and unselfconscious (thin, still runs in his late 60's) putting on his yfronts (oh yes..) on and I looked at him all spindley legged and fussbunnying and thought, oh, how sad...

I would SO LIKE to be able to separate the longing for what I want/he projected from who he actually is, which is someone very controlling who is capable of almost clinical ruthlessness.

Perhaps that glimpse is a start?

Day seven... Sigh

I'm in oldbook, was just nearly tempted then but seeing your message has made me resolute. I owe it to you!

basseting that sounds like a huge step forward - seeing people for what they actually are, rather than the fantasy of what we want them to be. Brilliant.

Belonger thanks.x
to be fair to me, he did project an almost seamless fantasy of 'who he was' which has taken in a number of people but yes I need to keep that mental picture in my head. A Decrepit Old Man (who cannot help himself perhaps but is frankly dangerous to be around, for me anyway). Pitiful.

Oh absolutely, these guys can be incredibly convincing (and no doubt convince themselves), anyone could be drawn in. Apparently there's a really good facebook group for people recovering from relationships with narcissists, might be of interest

Ooh good luck!

Good luck Oldboot

Day 32. Had a lovely weekend. But today gave this urge to message him. Not sure where it’s come from. I really don’t want to restart the clock. Wonder why I feel like this today?

Rhubarb - I'd say the urge just comes out of nowhere. It does with me anyway. On days like that I stick on my sad music, allow myself to feel the sadness and then post on here. LOTS

Thanks so much nk. I’ve been doing so well, felt in a slightly better place, but today just I want to send a message, if only to see what happens.

I often get the urge to contact when I'm bored I think, or just vaguely uncomfortable about something I can't put into words. It's like the possibility of a reply (as horrible as it soon becomes) is a distraction from feeling 'meh'

A for you Rhubarb. 32 days us unreal. I think now at this stage I don't want to reset back to O and it's enough to keep me from sending. What do you think you'll achieve by sending a message?

I get the urge to contact mine when I need a virtual hug or kind words. But then I know I can get them on here

Oldbook I'm not even near the point of separating yet so won't be selling til next year I'd say.

I think it is boredom. A distraction. Jumping from never wanting to speak to him again to wanting to see him.
I think I’m at a point where I need final closure. I could manage him not replying as i would know that is definitely it.

Hi everyone, sorry I've been absent from the latest thread, I've been away and had no opportunity to post.

Just to say I'm still following everything that's going on and am amazed at all the progress being made.

It's day 5 for me and I woke up feeling so sad about things. Huge urges to message/email but I know it will achieve nothing and make me feel worse. I am finding that if I resist the moments of wanting to contact that the feeling does pass and then I feel pleased that I didn't give in.

I had a message on my day 1 of NC to say he felt he'd been too harsh in our last conversation and he hoped I was feeling better! No I wasn't but I didn't reply and that's why I'm getting these urges to message now - to try and say my piece and make him see how I feel. But he won't and so I am determined this time not to give in as I have done so many times before.

Feeling very weary and drained with the amount of mind energy I am still giving to him. I wish it would just go away and one day I can wake up and not think about him.

As ever, you have all been a huge sense of inspiration and the reason why I'm staying strong. I get a huge feeling of strength when I read all your posts.

OldBook
Good Luck with your interview.

Urge for me to contact comes from:
dreaming about him
things that remind me of him
wanting to ask his advice about things (silly as he is pretty hopeless in the real world and never actually 'helped' me anyway!)
being lonely / bored / missing physical intimacy with him

Hmmm. Had reply from wine friend.
(old school friend. we met for an afternoon at the museum, where he said my wife is a bit twitchy so might need to be a 1off and I said totally fine (we live miles apart anyway!). then he sent me a romantic postcard. then i mentioned as part of an email where we were discussing his planned hols that I hoped to about visit that city again / go to Europe this summer. he then replies: if we meet in city again my wife will have to come too. so I reply: er, was just talking about potential trips for me this year not suggesting further meet which I thought was already agreed not going to happen. I said that if his wife was uncomfortable perhaps best to go NC. I stuck it in an email 'get well soon card' as he had said he was ill)

Reply is:
re museum city: does that mean I'm not invited on Europe trip too? ;)
re flowers pic - a better solution than them turning up here. thank you.
re NC- 'that'd be an overreaction, I'm not giving up that easily, texting seems fine but after our last trip she was very quiet for a few days'.

Was hoping for some straightforward friendship? Do you think it sounds like it or something more muddled at his end?

If I were you Basting, I would ignore. Sounds like a potential complication in your life that you can probably do without.

Can I ask if anyone has felt like this. I'm setting myself a mental target of 4 weeks by which, if I haven't heard from him, I am going to send a message saying that I don't want to have contact with him in the future (although possibly unavoidable at certain family events).

Or is him not contacting me an answer in itself and would I be doing myself more damage emotionally and mentally if I were to send that message?

Tiru I think that it would be a mistake to message him to say you're ending contact - it would set you back again, waiting to see if he will reply.

Sounds like he's wanting something more than just friendship to me, he's trying to flirt with you bassetting

Such a shame when you just wanted friendship. But I'd ignore him unless you want some flirtation/complication.