NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

Ooh rhubarb 32 days is so brilliant, please resist your urge to contact him!!

Thanks Belonger, I kind of feel that but guess I'm clutching at straws!

Sorry for typo Bassetting, auto correct came up with basting!

tiru by the time you get to 4 weeks you'll be so much less bothered about the straws, don't worry. Just take it one day at a time for now x

tiru I sent a ‘I’m not going to contact you anymore’ message and I regret it.

You end up waiting for a reply and when they don’t your brain starts saying ‘but what if they want to message but can’t because you said you won’t?’

I honestly wish I had just left it and saw what happened or maybe I would have got over him quicker. Don’t message!

tiru I’m past 4 weeks now. I’m in a better place. I still have feelings, but they are more manageable.
At the start I used to think what I would message him once time had passed. But it all felt quite aggressive as if I wanted to get things off my chest. Now it doesn’t feel like that as I’ve processed that myself, which is far better. I’m not as angry.
I will prob message mine at some point. It won’t be angry or saying that I won’t contact. More relaxed to see how he is. If he doesn’t reply, I’m in a much better place to accept that and can in my head draw a line under it, with dignity.
If he does reply, I will cross that bridge at the time.

Thanks for your thoughts Belonger, JCF and Rhubarb. You're all correct I know deep down but I'm just feeling tearful and rather down today. The thing is, he is very happy to continue our contact but it is on his terms only and all I ever get from him is crumbs. He changes his terms so frequently that I never quite know where I stand.

He told me in a message just before Xmas he was looking forward to hearing from me - and yet when I replied he pretty much blanked me. And then I find myself apologising and making the peace for fear of upsetting him! I'm a strong person normally but something takes over me with him.

When I look back at it all I know that I wasn't being unreasonable and yet somehow he is able to make me feel that I am! I've not felt angry about it but suddenly today I'm finding myself feeling angry/upset which I know isn't a good thing because it pushes me close to contacting him. Which I AM NOT going to do.

I want to keep my dignity and calm and hope that one day he feels regret over the loss of our relationship - but then I'll probably never know and even if I were to ask I always end up questioning his answers in my head - over and over and over again.

Basseting he's definitely flirting with you. I agree with the others, he's a complication you definitely don't want in your life.

Tiru definitely don't send anything after 4 weeks. If he wants to be in touch with you he will be in touch

Tiru Belonger NK thank you for the input.
I simply cant tell, never could. My radar has always been way off and my boundaries too (odd childhood!) I am sad really as I'd rather have straight friendship so I will look on this as a practice for my boundaries I think? (ie I will be the one to not reply for a few days/weeks / keep it light / etc) Certainly I am not going to be upset by it like with HIM.

Really good idea to use it as practice for your boundaries basseting. Disappointing about the friendship but maybe the universe has sent you what you need, a chance to flex your muscles in setting your own limits.

Bassetting correct me if I'm wrong you were dating him in 6th form or when young? So there's history there..
He's grooming you up and playing push and pull. Testing waters with you ..
It would be a disaster and a mess to continue on that level. Dont contact him first again, when he does-be polite but not particularly engaging, it could give him wrong idea..

Well after 32 days I sent him a short message asking how he was. He responded and was friendlyish. He genetically asked how he was so I was very light, breezy and happy. I had some very happy family news which I told him and asked if he wanted to catch up soon.

He didn’t react or show interest in any news I gave. But reverted back to his own life and said he couldn’t do this week, but possibly the weekend and then carried on telling me his news.
This is where in the past I would become his ‘ear’ and show interest in what he was telling me asking questions. But I thought no. This is the exact dynamic I don’t want to revert to. Where I become his friend and ignore my own needs.
So I pleasantly cut the conversation short and said we’d maybe catch up at the weekend. In the past I would have taken these crumbs of conversation, even in reality it was all about ‘his’ conversation!
I suspect he was surprised I cut it short. But it felt good. And I thought I’m not too bothered if we catch up in person either.

*generically not genetically!

Rhubarb glad the messaging went the way you wanted it to go! Do you think he will initiate meeting up?

Sweetberries how are you doing?

Miraclecure would love an update on your romance if you're still around.

Feeling fine tonight despite having an incredibly tough day at work. Bring on Day 22!

I don’t know nk. I’m not going to chase him. So the whole thing may finally die a death.
I’ve managed over a month without contact and I didn’t collapse! So it’s just carrying on as normal.

teens yes, but in 6th form so (ahem) 30 years ago now!
I'd assumed we could have a straightforward text friendship but perhaps that is NEVER possible if you have once been intimate, even if it was so long ago that dinosaurs roamed the earth?
I shall not contact unless he does then will be polite etc.
despite the fact I have no 'feelings' like that for him I dont think I want nonsense in any form right now (and he defo said I'd wanted solo meet up and I DID NOT say that and felt quite upset about being misrepresented then he comes back with a 'so, no EU hols either?' flip remark) so I am going to keep any friendship (flirty or not on HIS side) distant and on my terms.
I wish I'd been able to do that with HIM but there was no chance of that, I was in it up to my neck before I'd even realised.

So, I'm feeling extremely fed up and down today and I have composed the most fantastic email (after many drafts) which encompasses all my thoughts, feelings and regrets about him but I just can't quite bring myself to send it.

He's told me in the past that I could've been much more clever in not contacting him with the result that when he doesn't hear from me he begins to wonder what I'm up to and misses me. He's a firm believer of absence makes the heart grow fonder! I know that if I don't contact him he will at some point make contact - that's what he's always done. But why does it have to be like this? Why can't it be just a case of saying how we feel without being judged and being slated for being "needy"?

I've had a large glass of wine, I'm on my own for the whole week and the temptation to contact him is huge - am struggling to not send this email.

tiru

SIT ON YOUR HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(where are you, I will come and sit on them for you?)

seriously, I have sent emails to HIM as I know that 'absence doestn make the heart grow fonder' (or I have missed that boat anyway)

But you have a CLEAR message. For your HIM, it does.
Qu is: how much does that still matter to you?
enough to play his game?
or do you just want to 'get it all out' and hang the consequences?

Thanks Bassetting, I keep shutting down my mail and then re-opening it! The way I'm feeling right now is that I really want him to understand that I can't deal with his hot/cold attitude towards me and that the upsides do not equate to the downsides for me - that I've had enough. Before, my attempts to end things and go NC have been a bit half hearted as I've been scared that our relationship would end if I said as I truly felt.

Part of me thinks that I want to be strong enough to not message him and then when he does contact me, which I am 100% positive he will (he always has) then I can turn around and say sorry, it's too late, it's all over for me.

But that's a massive jump for me - think of a huge great long jump which I've got no chance of jumping!!

well think of it as a long jump that you have to have a few goes at?

each time, you will get better, reach higher, jump further and then one time you will suddenly realise you are way over the mark line and you have cleared it brilliantly?

It's great you have it all down in your inbox.
I spent ages doing that before Xmas, stuffed up sending it, then when I did he hardly read it - all that time and effort!!!
but I guess i was writing it for ME anyway? so you are not wasting time / energy getting it 'out' to the draft - the Qu is if you want to send it? (sit on your hands.x.x.x.)

DAY NINE

I wrote soooooo many messages I never sent. Saved them all in google docs. Reading back over I am so glad I chose dignified silence

Sorry tiru I'm afraid I don't remember your situation, are you currently in a relationship with this guy?

Well done appella!

Sitting on my hands firmly Bassetting but it’s hard work!

Belonger, I’ve been in an on/off relationship for 2.5 years. We knew each other many years ago (25 ) and reconnected around 3 years ago due to a family event. When we were younger, he was crazy about me but me not so much - I thought he was reckless and carefree and due to my upbringing I was looking for someone a lot more stable. However, with hindsight I wish I’d given things a chance with him!

He’s single, never married, no children and values his independent lifestyle hugely. When we’re together it’s great, when we’re not it’s not good. Always says I want more than he can offer but whenever I try to end things because I know it’s not a good relationship for me to be in, he convinces me that things are ok.