Ah. Finally home and able to post a bit (around kids/bedtime etc)
Well I went. Train got in at 7am. No DOM.
I waited till 7.15.
Wondered whether to text (thought it highly unlikely he would just not show - his 'manners' are too ingrained. So texted: 'arrived 7am. by kiosk' He replied: 5min.
He showed, looking anxious, said: 'my alarm went at 6, but no text from you, so thought you were not coming. At 6.30 I cracked and decided to come across in case'. So, he had made the effort even though he thought I might not be there. He was more friendly than last time but not flirty. We went and had coffee. He said: 'what do you want to say?' and I said it would take a while and need leading up to. I asked about ds again and he said' yes' and I said: look just say if a prob/not int - it IS fine, you just need to be honest. 'Yes' again but I dont think he will - he just cant say it. I also asked about a letter he had offered last summer and he couldnt even remember. I have noticed his memory is not what it used to be so he was maybe not game playing but really couldnt remember. He was not keen to offer it again though so there was some, not so much future faking but wishful thinking going on (on both sides) last year for sure.
I talked about Museum Friend, I talked about plans to go back to college / look for new kind of job. I talked about kids / school etc
He shut up about himself and made interested and helpful remarks.
(I know this is a pretty low bar but for him I guess he was trying)
Then he took me to a nice place for a good breakfast. His finances are awful (to the point he thought his card might be declined) but he paid (though I offered half - proud of self!) and he bought other coffees and cakes later so I think he was trying to 'take care of me'.
I told him that ExH had been through my phone and seen some stuff and that he was talking divorce. DOM listened carefully. At the end he asked how my recently broken toe was. I goggled and said: do you not feel guilty??? he said: 'ah your counselling training - looking to apportion blame - I am sorry re your H but I have never met him, didint mean to do him harm...'
As I expected - he will always change the subject if you are telling of a crisis of your own (too much attention away from him I think) plus he gets bored of a problem he has heard before - he likes to solve things or move on. But I could see all this was HIS STUFF not mine.
So I calmly said: And you like to avoid all responsibility and just wander off. You are an intellectual dilettante but you treat people the same way and there are REAL consequences. Yes my behaviour was bad, but so was yours whether you admit it or not.
He did then say:
You do have a right to complain about the lack of upside for you from 'us' last year. Then food arrived and moment was lost.
He held my hands and stroked them for the longest time before we left. He told me it was like making love and how hard it was to want that when I was so far away and no chance of meeting (all true). We spent a lot of time looking into each others eyes before we left the cafe.
We trailed around a bit. He held my hand. On the tube we kissed.
Time seemed to go very fast.
I said a few more things:
'it is very disrespectful not to answer my msgs' - he agreed and looked a bit shamefaced. I also said he'd been gratuitously unkind and that his birthday card was beyond crap. But I didnt nag or whine, I just said things calmly, good humouredly and he heard, even if he didnt say much (he is like that anyways).
We talked about what we would do if we 'won the lottery' (!).He said he would give some money to all the people he has hurt (women...) and then go and buy a small flat in (UniTown) and work on academic stuff (I believe that completely). He said the first person he would 'wire £5M to would be you but then the question would be if I would ever see you again' and teared up. He said he was scared of ending up in a LA nursing home on his own. Again all about him but he also said 'you need to forget me, concentrate on your career, so that is not your fate either, esp if ExH divorce /unreliable anyway'.
I said that, if I cared enough to trek down to see him when he was broke and, more to the point, frankly obnoxious now then I would still do so then. He looked hurt at obnoxious.
We held hands across the table in another coffee shop and I said: 'frankly I dont understand this incredible pull - half the time I dont even like you'. And he said: 'I dont understand it either, I tried so hard not to end up in bed with you last time but it is impossible, I have never wanted anyone like you, I dont understand why (!) but no one has ever made me feel like you do'. (so all about how I make him feel - he has always been egocentric and it has got worse with age), But he has had very little sex with very few people so I suppose he was trying to tell me, in his own weird way, that I am special to him.
So, I dont know?
I hope I didnt lose my dignity too much?
I told him I expected a response to texts.
As the train left I asked him to check a connecting train time and he did so and replied within 2 mins. He texted' to remind me not to get off at my usual stop as I was tired but to carry on to X' I txted when I was home he told me to drive carefully and goodnight'. Hardly romantic but at least more real than last summer perhaps.
There is no future in it. We missed the years 'in between' when we could have been together and happy. He did say all this last summer.
It is up to me if I want to make the effort. He will always tell me 'cant spare long' (though he always does!) - its just his way. He will always agonise about 'giving into lust' with me, but he will - it's just the way he is. I think he does care very much but cant show it.
I feel a bit calmer I guess. I am glad I went, even so.
The question is: can I be around him even occasionally and not feel desire/tenderness? Currently - NO.
Will I ever? I dont know.
Should I see him meantime? I dont know.
Sorry for essay. I tried to put it 'all in' as I am not sure yet which are the longer term 'important' bits.