NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

@appella I have held on to nearly 3 years of texts. My phone was groaning under the weight.

I deleted all of it yesterday. Had a 19 minute panic attack because I felt like I'd invalidated or erased our history and felt utterly disloyal, then, after calming down, realised that keeping our text convos, or deleting them makes no difference. IT DOESN'T MATTER!

I could present my ex with proof he'd said 'xyz'

He'd still put a spin on it. He'd still deny it or somehow make out I was unhinged for suggesting his comments were wrong.

Not being able to go over his comments has stopped me obsessing about a) making him understand my upset and b) trying to get him to see he was wrong.

I can't force either of those issues. What I can do though, is choose NOT to engage with the crazy and understand my own truth,

Early days but working for me bit by tiny bit xxxx

Big, slightly inebriated, but very heartfelt live and hugs to you all. Thankyou all for being brilliant and inspiring xxx

That quote makes a lot of sense @OldBook .

In fairness though, I've detested every minute of the NC until I broke it this week- and laid a lot of things out there. I got stuff off my chest and told him that I've accepted that I still care and that's just part of who I am and that's OK- and that he needn't bother replying because it wouldn't change how I feel. The point is that he's boxed me away and will probably never deal with his feelings, but I've accepted them, incorporated them into who I am- and suddenly I'm the strongest I've ever been.

Checking in for Day 20. My own personal record. Whoop Whoop!

Delighted I've made it this far but mixed emotions as no effort on his part to make contact at all. Would like to think it's because he's respecting my boundaries rather than because he doesn't care. I guess I'll never find out now.

Yes welldone NK! It’s hard when they make no effort though. I wonder if men obsess over it the way we do or if it’s easier for them to detach themselves.
The early days of NC are the hardest I think and then every day starts turning into a victory. Do you plan to break it when you get to a certain day? Or is that it now?

Did he reply enirroc? Congratulations on having that breakthrough moment!

app and ginger wow welldone on deleting everything! I don’t think I’m anywhere near that but I have stopped going in and re-reading messages so it’s a tiny step in the right direction.

oldbook mine is from my favourite ever video

Sorry for anyone I’ve missed, I can’t go back or onto the last thread without losing all of what I’ve written. I hope everyone has had a struggle free day.

And thank you to those of you for your kind words on the last thread over my mini breakdown. I feel a lot better today. Still sad but I have no longer have any lingering doubts so I feel like it’ll be easier to move on now. I did come very very close to posting a quote that sort of relates to me messaging him the other day and the reason behind it but I stopped myself.

NK yay day 20 go you!
Sorry I've tried to keep track of everyone's ups and downs but the threads are moving so fast! Ex is away this weekend taking DC on holiday but I've seen some lovely friends and chilled out a bit.

Strange thing happened last week. I just stopped and told myself 'get over him. He's not worth it.' and remembered all the bad things that have happened and all the times he's made me cry . . . and I decided then and there I wouldn't cry over him again and to detach myself. And I still feel like that! weird isn't it, just one random minute (Think I was doing laundry or something else mundane). Maybe my brain was sick of being overloaded with all the fallout from the break up? I don't know, or maybe a psychological thing? anyway, I'm feeling a lot stronger now, and looking forward to starting my life again without him. Lets hope it lasts!
And I hope all you lovely ladies are feeling strong today too!

Was just thinking, for myself now the next steps are the realisation that I might never hear from him again and the acceptance that I night never get closure and find out what his real motives were. This will be hard but I did it years ago so can do it again. He was never prepared to be totally honest with me anyway and skirted around every issue so that's not my fault. I am an open book, very direct and honest. I deserved the same back and instead was lost in a sea of vagueness, which made me feel very insecure.

Morning User. I think I need to just get over it now too. I'm not sure if I'm wallowing or if I'm healthily trying to process every thing. It's a fine line isn't It?

Hi NK. You probably are healthily processing things.
I don't know why, it just hit me he had way too much power over me and I think my brain is just sick of it ! He does not have the power to make me cry anymore. Everytime I get weak and think we should be back together I have a mental list of things he has said and done to hurt me, which snaps me out of it. I am not giving him the power any more! I remember my counsellor a few months ago suggesting I make a list and adding to it when needed.
Weird I think I'm healing! yay! at last. I'm focusing on planning for my future with the kids.
Just sharing this - If I can do it, you all can! and I want to thank you all for listening to my self pitying rants I have done on previous threads . I still stay on this thread to help you all, and I'll prob have the odd slip up no doubt!

OK way too many exclamation marks there. I sound like Oprah. Oops. Not normally like that.

User you sound so in control. I think after the period of mourning there definitely has to come the phase whereby you just need to move on. I'm not there yet but am working towards it.

23 days sounds good Oldbook. What day are you at now?

Yes I agree that silence doesn't always mean they don't care. I'm opting to believe my guy is respecting my boundaries. I hope he is. I know he's always held a torch for me so my ego doesn't want to think he's suddenly gone off me. Lol. I'd be devastated if he had because I've always held a torch for him.

A few months ago he had a genuine near death experience. Right after it he said I was one of the first people he thought of when his life flashed before his eyes. That has to mean something doesn't It, or am I clutching at straws. I know every one will be honest to me on here.

Everytime I get weak and think we should be back together I have a mental list of things he has said and done to hurt me, which snaps me out of i

^^exactly this

And yes when you know it's time to move on, or at least accept the inevitable, I think it just kind of 'happens. I have felt a shift in my brain about him. I still love and care for him but I'm not torturing myself iyswim. I know that is being together is destructive, and I have finally started to accept that.

Today will be interesting as we have to work together all day and I know we'll slip into old, comfortable habits.

Wish me luck!

Thanks for the reply Oldbook. And good luck with day 1 of non initiation. It's definitely the way to go and to keep in control.

Finding it tough today. I've thought about him a lot over the years. And I know he has genuine regrets but the timing never seems to be right for us.

Oldbook NK*
Weekends are hard BUT only if I don't make my own plans. Think the trick is to have a good social life of my own.
I went out yesterday, had good time and feel good despite my 1 year NC guy crushed me just a day before.
I also talked to my good male friend last night, been very honest about what happened told him how it is with my 1 year NC and his advice was get the f**k out of the situation, noone can handle this constant blocking-unblocking situation when ANY sort of relationship just isn't possible.
Ginger congrats , you are detaching yourself emotionally so on the right track.

Congrats nk brilliant achievement!!

Good luck today ginger, fake it til you make it if you have to

user that sounds fantastic that something shifted for you so decisively!

Sorry I've not caught up with everyone, it's such a fab and busy thread! I love it, everyone 's experiences give me inspiration and strength

Sorry NK Oldbook
I just don't believe in the right or wrong timing.I know if I care I make everything possible to be with a person, despite circumstances.
It just isn't helpful to think otherwise, prolonging hopes for future when we deserve to be treated well right here right now!
And whoever doesn't do it now ,don't deserve a chance to put things right in future (just got to this bit yesterday.)
A year changed nothing, he still treated me badly so I can safely assume in a year's time he will do same,that IF I ALLOW HIM and I won't.

Ginger thats great! . Good luck with work.
User I think after the period of mourning there definitely has to come the phase whereby you just need to move on. I'm not there yet but am working towards it. Exactly. And now you've recognised this, it will help you move on more smoothly.
Oldbook Good luck
Onwards and upwards for us all!

Sorry Teens I have to disagree with you. If I acted on my feelings now I would have the potential to destroy 2 families and some very precious long term friendships. I've not acted on any feelings and I've walked away because circumstances mean we both aren't available. No man is worth losing all that.

I don't know what will happen in the future because I don't know what he is thinking but I'll never regret doing the right thing by walking away