NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

Good luck for today ginger.

Well done user.

I feel better today. I still wish I'd been more dignified but I think it was good I met him as it gave me a bit of closure and I saw him for who he is and he is not a good man. I still feel upset about the amount of time I wasted and have had some tears but I do know I am better off without him so that is a good start. If I hadn't seen him I don't think I could have got to that point.

NK
Thing is correct behaviour from him would be to walk away as well. He'd say : yes I have feelings for you but I'm not single therefore nothing can happen. Instead he wanted hotel meet ups with you.He didn't treat you correctly here and now , how can you hope he'll treat you with more respect in future? Respect and dignity either present or not , don't think it can vary as in he'll be more respectful when circumstances are right..
Sorry if I'm too harsh .

Appella that is a HUGE step deleting.
I am not on social media (a small contact page on FB but that's all) but last Aug I accidentally deleted our my iPhone texts between us. I felt like I'd cut my arm off and was crying for days. It is very hard to let go of love letters / msgs so I applaud you, and anxious too!!!

gettingthere keeping busy helps a great deal, doesn't it? well done!!

enirroc I too would like a close platonic friendship if no more is consistently avail (and it isn't consistent and that is too painful). But it seems that that isn't avail either. Last time we met I said: 'what gives?' and he said well you can either have a big bust up or just let it slide but we are still friends aren't we?' and I thought: 'No, not really - I don't have any other friends like this?' He is the classic boxer away of feelings so now I probably wont 'cross his mind again' before he dies!

NK yes a fine line between processing healthily and over processing to the point it uses energy needed elsewhere. I am allergic to the phrase: 'wallowing in it' though!!!

oh, family life intervenes - I will be back....

OldBook interesting re 'control' - do you think if it has ever been totally skewed it can ever be re-aligined? When I told a very old friend I was back in contact with HIM she said: 'oh no, you will never be able not to slip back into your 21 yr old state when he behaved abusively. The dynamic will have to have changed a great deal for it to be normal'. Of course it hadn't.

Teens totally agree that his behaviour was disrespectful. He propositioned me once, I said no and he said offer was there but he didn't mention the meet up again.

I'd like to think he has now walked away to let me work through my own stuff but I've no way of knowing.

It's either:
a) To let me work things out
b) Because he was looking for sex and I said no

Judging him on past behaviour I'd like to think it's a) but I suppose I don't know him anymore. I do know there was another girl pursuing him who was much younger than me and very pretty. He flat out turned her down as he said he wasn't interested and I know he has actively avoided social situations where she will be. I do believe him but again I'm going on past experience. I would have said loyalty was his strongest attribute when we were daring but obviously that has changed now as he was willing to cheat with me.

And no, I don't think you're being too harsh. I really value honest opinions on here and as you know I always give an honest opinion too

sorry family life intervenes will be back to finish off catch up!!!

@JesusChristFenton he replied to my first few messages directly asking him how he's going to be with me on Friday, but was very short with me to the point of rudeness. So I sent the long one getting things off my chest- really calmly I should add- and told him there was no need to bother replying. I said a couple of things that I know will have annoyed him, but he did as I asked and didn't respond

Totally agree @Basseting

I was lost in a sea of vagueness.

Exactly that NK. I was clinging to kindhearted messages; the sort which imply 'you and I are of the same ilk; we GET each other'. But the vagueness gobbled up my energy. Because it's human nature to hope and hoping when you're getting crumbs is an exhausting pastime.

I'm just popping in surrounded by hefty bin bags of sorting (it's so much easier to throw things away than to put them away )

I'm still mulling over the two books of mine he's had in his possession since July. They are worth a lot sentimental value wise. My two choices are:

a) Just forget about them.

b) Ask him politely (through gritted teeth) to give them back once I'm completely over him.

The thought of seeing him now sort of repulses me although there's still an element of curiosity iyswim. It might be wiser to give up on those books but what bloody right, I ask myself, does he have in keeping them in particular because he would regularly moan about his ex taking stuff away from him once she'd left, which he desperately wanted back. That's typical selfish behaviour on his part and an inability to put oneself in the other's shoes.

Opting for the second choice would be a good way of flexing my new 'imposing barriers and limits' muscles. I'm enjoying that

Grumble, grumble, moan, SORRY!

So, what should I do? Drop it or not?

advice pls?

re Wine Friend
really important to me to reply in a way that I am happy with.
Having thought about it, I think he got flirty (by cards) and then thought better of it re wife but also because I had told him I was still in love with someone else.
so the msg I was going to send was:
"when I mentioned London I was not asking to meet again nor did I ask to meet you 'alone'. I think it might be best to reduce contact if your wife is 'uncomfortable'."
So I was going to wait another day or so and send it.

But now I just have a msg to say he is potentially quite ill as a result of a scan. I would like to express concern about that so do I just add it to the above msg or change it?

gettingthere if they are not replaceable and you really want them then you should ask for them to be returned in my opinion. You can keep it brief. If he wants to read more into then that is up to him. I think you have to be sure in your mind you are asking for the sake of the books and not sending smoke signals. Not that I am really I'm a position to advise right now!

basseting I would just add a line on the end of the message with best wishes for the health issue.

Just cut the final tie and deleted from Facebook. Reaaaaallly didn't want to but I knew I had to. He literally won't even realise - he's ghosted me for three weeks now so it's time to let go x

Well done App you have literally come full circle since you first came on here.

Getting if it's not possible to get the books elsewhere and they are sentimental then I would ask for them back.

Basseting I ask about his health first and then write the rest. Sounds good to me

Thanks NK and Itsalottery. I'm quite clear that I wouldn't be getting in touch with him with an ulterior motive simply because I'd rather not have to do it at all. I'm also prepared to find a solution for him handing them back without actually seeing me (dropping them off at a café near his work and asking the bartender to hold onto them for me). The trouble is that I'm aware that I'll probably never get them from him because he's too weird/selfish to acknowledge that it's not right he disregards my right to claim them back.

appella, I just wanted to say how incredibly well you are doing. You were so low a few days ago and look how determined and positive you have become? It's fabulous.

Well done appella what an achievement:)

I’m ok. Feeling a bit tearful.

Good work day and very successful. We slipped into our work mode like a comfy old pair of slippers and it would be so easy, and is so tempting to just cave in to the craving.

How he was today and yesterday - no performance or arrogance- just him being ‘human’ is the person I love - so it’s hard to walk away because I know that is not who he chooses to be. I love the authentic him, not the man full of his own bullshit.

Will bounce back again tomorrow. Just feeling a little low right now.

Haven't read through the thread today as not long got in and sorting kids and food, and school stuff etc but hope you're all ok.

gettingthere I'd ask for them back too.
appella that's amazing, well done!
I sent my msg. saying: 'not sure where the 'next meet up / meet up alone' stuff came from but checked back thru msgs and it defo wasnt me. sorry to hear re health issue - would be happy to know how it pans out but up to you as if your wife is 'not happy' then perhaps NC is best. all good wishes. Bass'
Sorted. If only HE were so easy to 'sort' in my head.
ExH being a pain in the arse today too.
Snowing hard here.

@Basseting brilliant response. Well done. X

@appella hats off and big hugs. You're a star x

ginger thanks.x
It's incredibly hard when they have sides to them, isnt it?
which bit is authentic / is any of it / how do I access the bit I want / deserve - all very exhausting and confusing.
SO hard for you working together too. ((()))

It seems that the kind/humble/sweet side only comes out when I've said it's over.

I Need a good cry and can’t right now because of kids etc. He was lovely, and kind and humble and sweet and there was none of the stupid posturing and arrogance and inability to empathise that makes him so unlikeable and objectionable, he was the person I fell in love with. But I'm not even sure if any of that is real or if it's just another 'persona' designed to reel me in. All I know is that if I give in, all that will happen is I'll be on the same damaging merry go round we keep finding ourselves on.

Sorry I’m being a bit mawkish. It’s been a good day Work wise because we really are a great team work wise, but hard too, emotionally for all the same reasons.

ginger that must be so hard. Well done on the constructive day. It must be hard to know which side is the real side. If it's happened in a number of occasions I think you will have to force your head to overrule your heart.

@Itsalottery that's what I'm doing. In spite of every part of my heart saying otherwise.

I fucking hate being a grown up.

This mature adulting bollocks can go and fuck itself.

Want to get the kids (youngest at least) to bed so I can hole up in my bedroom and lick my wounds.

Basseting really great response. Keep us all updated on how he responds.

Ginger I really feel for you. It must be so hard to work together especially if he reverted back to the man you fell in love with.