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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

998 replies

Basseting · 20/01/2018 17:31

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

OP posts:
OldBook · 02/02/2018 21:37

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NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 02/02/2018 21:53

Well done Oldbook 14 days is excellent. We'll keep you on the straight and narrow next week!

OldBook · 02/02/2018 21:59

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Teensandfuture · 02/02/2018 22:33

Oh that'd be stalking, although I can hang around his cricket club when season starts andhithimwiththebat😂

Itsalottery · 02/02/2018 22:47

I agree that closure comes from indifference and is something to strive for.

I had a friend whose ex had a near death and on coming to she was his instant thought and he got back in touch, declared love and they get married. So romantic. Anyway, a few years on he cheated and they got divorced. So even fairy tales go tits up!

user1493423934 · 02/02/2018 23:33

Eniroc Hope your DC is Ok now?
Basseting How did it go?
Oldbook Good on you ! keep it up
Feeling OK. Another friend texted today to see how I was so feeling a bit better. It's actually quite pleasant and chilled just being here with DC's.
Have a nice weekend everyone - Looking forward to updates!

JesusChristFenton · 03/02/2018 03:09

Hi everyone!

Not been on for a while, setting up my internet has been such a process! I hope NC is getting a little easier for you all.

Well me and Mr NC were going so well, everything seemed like it was back to normal and then...one morning he took 12 hours to even open my message (which was a reply to a message he’d sent whilst I was asleep) and I knew it was starting again.
So we didn’t speak for afew days until I sent a message yesterday saying I hoped he was OK and just a silly comment about something we were discussing last week, which he replied to after afew hours but it just seemed..strange and he never answered how he was or and there was no asking how I was or anything. At that moment I decided I just needed to walk away and not send a reply, even though I am itching too.

I know he’s having an incredibly hard time at the minute and he explained some of the stuff that was going when he apologised to me and I guess something else has happened (from his sudden attitude change and because I stalked his ex and saw something she had put up Blush) but I just can’t do this anymore, he’s not in a place to deal with other people and I’m just hurting myself thinking it can work or that we can go back to how it used to be. The anxiety that I get every time I send a message because he doesn’t reply straight away is just not healthy.

Why he decided to contact me and apologise for ghosting me..to pretty much do the same thing again I have no idea. Now that I can’t quite grasp. Maybe I’m making excuses for him.

My heart hurts and I will always reply to him if he decides to reach out again but for now I think me backing off is the best thing for both of us.

So here we go again. Day 1.

JesusChristFenton · 03/02/2018 03:12

Why I don’t pick up on all the grammar mistakes and random words before I post Blush

Belonger · 03/02/2018 07:16

Morning everyone, am away for the weekend but just wanted to wish everyone a good one. Non-initiating going OK here, feeling pretty good about it but def taking it one day at a time.

Itsalottery · 03/02/2018 08:18

Sorry to hear that jesus it is so easy to think it will be great this time. And then the same pattern repeats. I guess he does have strong feelings for you but compartmentalises it when he is going through stress and puts you on the back burner. Some people can cope with this, I found this happened all the time to me and I could not manage it which is why we broke up. I think you need to decide if you can or not because it is not going to change.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 03/02/2018 08:31

Morning all. I think Itsa is spot on Jesus. Think of yourself first and protecting you.

Have a great weekend away Belonger

Getting hope all is well.

I have a busy weekend ahead. Feeling remarkably calm. Maybe all I needed was confirmation he cared and that was enough. Still haven't decided re: initiation.

OldBook · 03/02/2018 09:35

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Teensandfuture · 03/02/2018 12:43

Show us the dress Oldbook 🤗😁

Rhubarbginn · 03/02/2018 14:04

Hello all. It’s been a while since I posted. But things move fast.
bassenger I agree with others. You don’t need this man on your life. You will never be happy with him in your life. Stop making reasons for yourself to remain in contact.
nk I agree that low initiation can help and can take the drama and intensity out of it. It is easy to get sucked back in when you drop your guard though.
old book it’s good to see that you are making changes. It feels good doesn’t it? Hang onto that feeling and how it makes you feel. You’re in the same position as me. I actually think he needs you more than you need him.
jesus it is so easy to fall back into the same pattern. You recognise the feelings and anxiety and it’s not nice. I think you know he will not change.
I made it to 30+ days nc. I have been in touch and met and chatted with him. It was very nice, but it seems that the intensity heats up and I fall into the role of being his emotional crutch. And if I’m honest, I don’t want that role. It’s boring and draining. I want light relief and fun. Real friendship should be balanced. He’s not a bad person. I can see that now. But he’s not really offering me much either. And eventually the pleasure I get from talking will become resentment and the cycle will start again. I want to stop that now. Put the brakes on. But I’m not sure how.

WheelyCote · 03/02/2018 18:52

Found you all. Thread hopped through 3 threads...this thread moves fast!

Hanging my head and checking in. I don't want it to be this way but he doesn't want a relationship.

Together 9 years, he ended things last sept but starting seeing each other consistently and having sleep overs.

Today I flipped...

We'd bought a house which is now technically mine. I'm getting a rescue pair of dogs and needing to get the fence sorted in garden.

He said harmlessly this morning in a text....money is there if u need it for your fence.

I got upset at the term 'your fence'. It was suppose to be our fence, our house. I didn't and don't want this break up but it's happened and he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

So I think I've gone a bit bonkers and sent him this.

Yes my dignity is in tatters and hanging head low. He's not responded but in honesty can he say. He can't feel, what he doesn't feel

Mortifying text I sent -

Please answer the following: which of the below statements apply to your current intentions

U can choose more than one answer or reply 'decline' if none apply.

A) Meet up once in a while

B) To share adventures and experiences with, whilst having adventures of own also

C) casual sex

D) see each other regularly

E) to speak on the odd occasion

F) exclusivity

G) get behind and support through crap times and celebrate good times

H) No romantic intentions

Thank you for your time, pls don't be offended if you don't hear back

WheelyCote · 03/02/2018 18:57

I'm going into the co op to buy the wheelyteens pizzas

And me alcohol....will go home, cook food, then go to bed with alcohol, get p🎉🎈d and watch the Really good tv show, have found on Netflix.
😩

WheelyCote · 03/02/2018 19:00

Tomorrow is another day..,,

How many days before it feels easier????

OldBook · 03/02/2018 21:19

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OldBook · 03/02/2018 21:23

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OldBook · 03/02/2018 21:26

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user1493423934 · 04/02/2018 01:38

Yeah welcome Wheely . . . post here to vent away you'll get a lot of support. We all know how tough itis.
Jesus hmmm not too sure but I'd think going NC is the best? hard i know!
Oldbrook hows the weather where you are? I hope you're not where the floods are. Really nice and sunny here.
Argh looking at rental properties - so depressing. Worse than when I was a student. Got back to my lovely house and was so sad . . . never mind. I need a new start. Hope everyone is well.

Rhubarbginn · 04/02/2018 11:45

oldbook it’s hard not to get drawn back in. Because I know I will feel resentment. I recognise the pattern now. We can’t have a healthy relationship. But I need my friendships to be balanced. I want to have my needs met too. And for different reasons he can’t. I know it’s best to walk away.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/02/2018 14:48

Welcome Wheely. I found Day 10 really hard. I've lost track of how many days I am on. It's definitely way easier after 30 days.

Rhubarbginn · 04/02/2018 15:03

nk how are things going? Are you still chatting to nc? Is he initiating?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/02/2018 15:12

Basseting how did things go?

Oldbook love that you bought a dress!

Rhubarb how are you feeling today? Did you tell him you were going NC in the first place? Sounds like walking away is best for you Flowers

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