Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

[Lajumelle]

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

At 38 though a woman who is looking for the same things; marriage and children, is actually just not going to want to date caucho because they are going to be aware that they don’t really have the luxury of spending time working out if he is the person they want to marry.

I’m 33, if I actually wanted (more) kids and marriage, which I definitely don’t, I would not be put off dating you.

I would be wary in case it was actually just a front and you were actually after a status girlfriend (though I find it unlikely I would fit that bill anyway ) but actually I’d thinking it was weird and setting yourself up for failure re what you ultimately want if you were searching for a woman of your own age who was incredibly unlikely to have compatible circumstances/needs.

(In my 20s I wouldn’t have considered dating you though as the age gap would have put me off)

I’m not after a status girlfriend and 5 years younger is hardly unusual or a Bill Wyman type scenario. The hard body comment I made was crass but purely intended to convey the reasons for wanting to date someone younger was not for some kind of pervy aesthetic reasons. It’s not as if I don’t find women my own age attractive, just the circumstances and dynamics. I don’t have kids and want them and it’s easier to go for someone younger. It’s possible with a 38 year old but I wouldn’t want to start trying after a month of dating

I've known plenty of men who have rushed into having/wanting children more than women
But us women get tarred with the whole "wanting a sperm donor" shit
You do know that men's fertility reduces with age to
In fact probably at a similar rate to women's.
There has just been very little research into proper infertility. Probably because it's a woman's problem apparently.

As women are getting older and having children we are realising that more women can have children older. 30 years ago everyone would have been told they had no chance at 35. You're either very fertile or not. Man or woman

You do know that men's fertility reduces with age to In fact probably at a similar rate to women's.

Yes the quality of male sperm decreases with age. There is also research that indicates a man's age is a significant as is a woman's in terms of, for example, having a child with Down Syndrome.

The difference is that a man in his 60's/70's/80's can father a child naturally, unlike a woman. The bio clock ticks faster/louder for women.

• Didn't phase that last comment well, obviously a woman can't father a child (naturally or otherwise) irrespective of age!

I don’t want to derail the thread but might have done already. So maybe should post elsewhere. I’m well aware men are not some immortal beings and that fertility and sperm quality erodes over time but you just can’t compare this to women and many might be insulted if I tried to make it seem equitable. There is no female 70 year old Mick Jagger equivalent popping them out. Basic biology means eggs are finite and spent is infinite (even if the latter degrades over time and can be useless / seriously degraded with age).

Wow - I frequently go out with my married male friend for dinner or drinks who I've known since the first day of college 30 something years ago. And we also spend time together as famillies with his wife and both sets of kids.

I'd invite her round or suggest meeting - I'd want to get to know a good friend. But I'd never get in the way of friendship. Don't you ever go out with friends yourself?

I'm not so stupid to think that women can have babies into their 70s
As Some men can (many cannot)
There is the thing of the menopause etc.
But to think that you can blithely carry on and not worry about infertility as a man is stupid and slightly arrogant
Women have an obvious cut off point, men don't. But I think that makes men feel they're forever able to spread their sperm and procreate, which isn't really the case

Will people rtff
Ffs

Who said op should find another bloke ? I didn't.

I’m not surprised given your constant vitriol.

@Caucho

It makes no sense for you to go for a mid thirties woman of you want kids. You have a sensible game plan...and sadly some women do get desperate for a child at that age... so you aren't wrong in that statement.

Ignore any nasty comments btw.

I don’t think it is wise to imply the very real dip in womens’ fertility after age 35 as not really a big issue TBF. This assumption that ‘oh it’s ok LOADD of women have babies in their forties nowadays!’ has actually caused a lot of difficulty for women. Especially given the optimum physical age for having a baby for women is around 22, which means we are already having DC quite late on average.

All women go through the menopause. No men do.

No matter how fertile you are or aren’t it is wise to assume that your fertility will accelerate it’s decline post 35 and to take heed of the increasing risks of miscarriage, difficulty getting pregnant and birth defects like Down syndrome as you hover around 40.

It actually just isn’t the same thing for men who don’t have the same kind of sharp decline and don’t go through the menopause.

Even if their sperm is fine and the babies it produces are healthy not many men actually want to have a baby when they are going to be an old/dead parent. Not every man wants a baby so much that there isn’t a point where they’d say ‘no, I am too old to be with a woman of childbearing age’ and so men’s ability to have children is somewhat affected by their own age and womens’ childbearing ability.

(And no-one has said men can just blithely carry on. Caucho said at 38, when he is looking for a proper relationship, then marriage and then children, he’s looking to date women who are actually on the same page as him; women a bit younger than him)

Fair enough. You say you’re not stupid and I am not either. I don’t require teaching biology. I’m not trying to emulate Mick Jagger and 38. Ideally I want to have children soon. This should not be a problem in the general sense but of course could have my own (as yet undiagnosed) fertility issues.

I wasn't saying it was fine for women
I was saying if Caucho thinks he can spend 6 years getting to know someone and thinks it's all ok fertility wise for him then he's thinking, as most men do, that it's all ok for them.
Men's fertility severely declines after 40
Most men don't think that's the case
Caucho thinks he's ok. Just needs a younger woman
This is not the case in the majority

It puts pressure on a relationship if from day 1 ...you're talking marriage and wanting babies.... I get that the biological clock is a factor... but it does create pressure.

I don't know if he is genuinely stringing you along...coz in reality...he's actually right...it's not been long he's known you.

Also bear in mind that he's got a child...that relationship didn't last....so it's sensible that he's possibly wanting a longer time with you.

Children add pressure to relationships...he's got first hand experience of that.

It's just unfortunate you haven't got time on your hands.

This should not be a problem in the general sense but of course could have my own (as yet undiagnosed) fertility issues.

Might be worth getting those swimmers checked to be honest. If you want a family then it's best to know sooner rather than later if there may be difficulties. It would only be fair to the woman you settle down with if she wants children, especially if she's early/mid 30's.

Six years? He hasn’t said that at all.

He’s 38 and from what I’ve read 40 for men is comparable with 35 for women and 45 is comparable to 40 (as much as it is possible to compare it anyway).

He’s not talking about being a 70 year old dad, or about having a long engagement, or about his fertility being ok.

He is simple saying he doesn’t want a relationship where TTC is the main issue right from the start. He wants to have children soon if he can and is not talking about dating 20 year olds but women a few years younger than 38...

I think Caucho does kind of have a point? But with some reservations

Anyone who is a bit “intense” about anything (whether it be having a baby, or the guy on OD who says if you don’t meet him in two hours time you’ve ruined his life, or even some young men I’ve dated who have been desperate for a child they generally seem like real wasters looking to trap a woman ) is bad news

It’s kind of a big generalisation though to assume all women of X age are wanting children/marriage?

Many women are happily childfree by choice (especially if they have a good job/lifestyle etc)

Also, I think it’s harmful to convey the message to men that they can wait till they are in their mid thirties/forties then “easily” get younger women?

There ARE men in their 40s or late 30s who date younger, for sure. However:

(1) just like when younger, the ones who get women taking them seriously tend to be pretty “alpha” types ie tall/physically masculine/good jobs/financially in a strong place etc?

(2) sometimes attractive younger women like the whole “being DATED by older men” but don’t really take them seriously for relationships unless they are “top of the range good catch/nice house/stable manly type”. See point above.

So older guys are often chasing their own tails thinking Miss 27 year old secretary they met on match.com is a serious prospect because they’ve dated for three weeks and they’ve even had sex and she’s so much more “fun” than older women and she doesn’t care he never got above junior account manager level (but she’s not really thinking of him as anything other than an amusing attention source for a few Saturday nights).

Ugh ok 6 years was just an average plucked out of the world of averages
But anyway. Go meet a 30 year old you'll be fine

I don’t think it is wise to imply the very real dip in womens’ fertility after age 35 as not really a big issue TBF. This assumption that ‘oh it’s ok LOADD of women have babies in their forties nowadays

I agree with Offred.

There's no comparison between the decline in female and male fertility

To try and equate them is being difficult for the sake of it.

The timeline I'm having kids is really a female issue.

Given caucho wants a child/children I don’t see why he’d want to date a woman who didn’t want children TBH whether she was 22 or 45.

I doubt he is assuming women of 38 are all desperate to conceive ASAP, just that the ones who do want what he wants (marriage and DC) are obviously under pressure from their biological clock at 38.

I don’t know how ‘intense’ he is about wanting children either. Probably there will come a point where if it doesn’t happen he will feel the time has passed.

Late thirties and early thirties is a very common mix for heterosexual relationships. And for both men and women it is already quite old in biological terms for having a child.

Also, I think it’s harmful to convey the message to men that they can wait till they are in their mid thirties/forties then “easily” get younger women?

Not harmful at all in my experience. I know lots of men older than 40 who have got younger women.

You get 50 year old men leaving for women half their age...so a 40 yo single man...with no baggage will have no problem.

That's assuming he has average looks and isn't socially awkward.

Hey cleaver

Do you know me ?