Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

[Lajumelle]

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

I’m pretty sure (it was a very long time ago now) I knew dh was the one I’d marry after a few months - he played no games and moved no goal posts. I’ve several friends that have met and married and had babies ‘quickly’ in their 30s.

I think if it takes you a very long time to feel certain then something isn’t right really, and, like you say, if you meet a woman in her mid 30s who is very keen to have kids and you are uncertain, you should back off quickly.

Yes for the first 6 months...but that stopped...sorry OP

The man is obviously a shit. I have sympathy. My reply is more of a response to the you can just meet someone else brigade. No offence intended to you personally but if I was dating and someone jumped me saying she needed marrying and babies immediately I’d run a mile. I don’t think that makes me a bad person. If I wanted to be a sperm donor I’d head down to the sperm bank. I know you don’t mean that but it’s very dodgy ground making such huge life decisions within months of meeting someone when you probably don’t really know them well at all

As a man, you have that luxury

Your swimmers will be doing the front crawl for some time yet (hopefully....no gaurantees of course)

But all you would need to do is be honest and not dick women around. Like this guy is doing.

Totally your prerogative to decide you want to date longer before committing, caucho. OP may not meet anyone. Still gotta be better than this. She could meet someone, marry the following year (like many people do) and start TTC straight away. She could not meet someone, have a baby alone, be a single mum for the rest of her life. Could meet someone, have a baby, and split. Could not meet anyone, have baby alone, then meet the love of her life who wants her and her child.

The point is you can't predict the future. But she has a better chance leaving this guy than sticking it out, even if she decided to leave and try for a baby alone. OP has a few years max to have a family if she wants one. If she wants one enough that has to be her focus now and it's not possible in her current relationship from the sounds of it. Better to try her best and see if it happens than stay in a situation where it almost certainly won't.

It's better to be single than in an unfulfilling mismatched relationship.

When people get older they often know what they want more quickly, and commit quickly. Doesn't always work out but neither do the date for ten years then marry and reproduce people. There's no guarantee OP will stumble right into the arms of the father of her children, but there's no reason to believe it's impossible either.

I completely agree AF. It’s why I’m targeting women 10 years younger than me as a man pushing 40. Not because I’m some dick wanting a younger women with a hard body. I just want to have relationship where you can spend a couple of years getting to know other etc before plunging into marriage and babies. It’s not possible with a 38 year old as you could essentially be ‘wasting’ her last chance and I’m not enough of bastard to want to do that

He sounds very selfish to me. Is he really sperm donor material?

If you have a child with this man you will spend your entire life doing housework and looking after the baby, while he swans off to do his "hobby".

He was saying all the "let's have a baby" stuff in the early days because he knew that is what you wanted to hear. He roped you and pulled you in with it, now he's got someone to keep house for him.

If he strings it out a bit longer it will be too late for a baby, and you will be stuck with him and his hobby.

Unless of course he notices a fit 25 year old at the gym....

Fair enough.

Younger women may not be too interested in you "targeting" them though

YABU

I had a good male friend I met at uni, we met up regularly for a drink - there was never anything romantic on either side.

He met his DP - They'd been going out about 15-16 months and I hadn't met her. (We didn't/don't live in the same city, I met up with my friend when I travelled to his city for work and she'd been busy or away every time previously).

She put her foot down and refused to let him meet me (with or without her). Haven't seen my friend for over 5 years now (last time was my wedding day), we exchange the odd Christmas/Bday Card but that's it.

If he's your DP, trust him to have female friends, if you don't trust him then why is he your DP?

YANBU

It would be best if folk RTFT

With Anyfucker on this. And if i was a younger women who didn't want marraige and children in the foreseeable future I'd want to do the waiting with someone nearer my own age. Lol

When I was 30 I had no interest in 40 year olds nor did any of my friends. There are exceptions but generally women marry within their peer group.

A male 40 year old friend of mine who did OLD found that women generally set their age limit at a max of 35 and the software prevented him from contacting them.

@Caucho

I think you have the right plan going for younger women ... and you won't have a problem attracting them.

I agree that you need to get to know them properly.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment and the number of divorces is reason enough to spend time with the person first.

The problem here..is you wasted so much time in your last relationship and now the pressure is on this guy ...when in reality...it hasn't been that long.

I would seriously look into sperm donation and end this OP. You want a child, you'd be right to make that a priority. Plus the bike thing makes him sound more of a dick. If his dad would give him 4.5k, that's money he could be spending / saving for his DD, or on marrying you, or saving for fertility treatment if needed, or your future children. The bike shows that he's number one in his own life. That's sad for his existing DD as well as for you.

People doing Iron Man competitions turn into complete psycho fanatics about it.

Why do you need to wait until September to TTC? Who cares if you are pregnant while he is training and competing?

You need to decide, what do you want more, a baby or this loser? Because it sounds like you might not be able to have both.

Speak to him OP and really listen to what he says.

Caucho - I understand your reasons too.

I can’t see how it would make any sense to date women your own age given you do want children at some point, just not without getting to know each other and marrying first, and women your own age would always be women who had no children and didn’t want children, women who had children and didn’t want more or who did want children/more children but were on a pretty strict time constraint.

Probably some younger women will be suspicious re you possibly actually wanting a ‘younger hard body’ but that’s not really anything you can do anything about.

Younger women do not necessarily have "harder" bodies, btw

OP I agree your choice is really between giving having a baby a try or being with this man.

IMO it should be an easy choice because he sounds like a selfish dick who takes you for granted.

Of course trying to get pregnant doesn’t mean you will end up with a baby (same for any woman TBH) but I doubt that if you left, gave it a try and still ended up without a child you would regret leaving him!

You are effectively just a housekeeper and lodger who he has sex with anyway.

Ha ha... well no AF but I doubt that bothers caucho if he’s being straight up re hard bodies.

I appreciate 10 years younger i.e. late 20 year olds might not be interested but even 5 years younger whereby they are young 30s there is less immediate pressure to do the who’ll thing at breakneck pace. I fully appreciate it is biologically driven and in some turn emotionally driven as a consequence. It’s difficult to know however if someone my own age is actually interested in me or just desperate and I’m kind of a best of bad bunch choice. I’m not apportioning blame and fully understand why people might make those choices. Hence why I’m defensive. If I’m still with someone after a couple of years I think I might know them better and they’re not just after a baby come what may

Caucho...I really think you are not quite the "catch" you think you are

You are starting to sound like one of those paranoid fuckers that think all women are out to steal your DNA

When did you last have a relationship ?

As an addendum I think it’s less relevant if the lady is a single parent or already has kids. It’s when I meet the female equivalent of my 38 year old childless self I think they’re only after one thing and it’s not me.

That’s the point. I’m not the catch. It’s not me in terms of myself what they want