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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
RedWineAllMine · 21/01/2018 23:11

You need to cut contact with him, I know it will be hard. When he phones say you can't talk your busy, when he texts don't reply. He will know you've seen the texts. You need to keep him wondering. You need to make him realise what he's lost, you need to make him want you again. Only then he might regret what he has done and realise. The only way to do that is ignorance - from your side.
Not answering his every call, every text talking about getting back together. That is madness for how he treated you. He has you in the palm of his hands, and he is in control. You need to turn it around ASAP and you need to be the one in control of the situation. By you being in control would be the best thing for you to do if you want him back. Being in control would be for you to keep him hanging, make him sweat. Ignore him for a few days, if he really wants you then you will get your answer. Men are born predators. If he wants you back he will chase his prey : you. And will stop at nothing.

Jux · 21/01/2018 23:11

You did the right thing, make him come to you and to make up his mind in a very short time. That tells him that while he treated you as worthless YOU ARE NOT, that you know you are worth everything.

If he hasn't run to you then he's a dick.

You will find someone who values you and cherishes you as you deserve.

Onecutefox · 21/01/2018 23:19

Redwine, this case is slightly different from The Rules. He has humiliated the OP so much that he doesn't deserve a second chance. A piece of shit that's what he is. Who in their right mind would buy a ticket like that? A heartless piece of shit.

ConstantStruggler · 21/01/2018 23:23

A heartless piece of shit.
we all know what to do with that..?
Flush it.

RedWineAllMine · 21/01/2018 23:24

My advice only applies if he wants you back. But from what I've read he seems to be regretful of his decision, so I wouldn't rule out the possibility of him wanting you back just yet. Time will tell. Ignorance is definitely bliss in this case. You'd be surprised what it can lead to.

MyOtherProfile · 21/01/2018 23:30

Wow xant believe he treated you so badly. Has he called you back again now?

C0untDucku1a · 21/01/2018 23:32

My god his behViour was appalling

RedWineAllMine · 21/01/2018 23:33

Onecutefox I understand that, but it's obvious to me she would consider getting back with him and wants to. So I'm thinking of the best steps she could take to achieve this, not what me or you or anyone else would rather do. He acted like a piece of shit yes, but so deserving and worthy of a second chance so it seems.

letsdolunch321 · 21/01/2018 23:37

Block him. As hard as it sounds to do this please do- this worthless vile scumbag doezn’t deserve any respect at all.

Give him a taste of the treatment he dished out for you.

If any man expected me to pack in a few hours my whole chapter of life with him. I would have said NO I will do it in my own time. What can he do to make it happen??? - Jack Shit.

He has already broken your heart telling you to go what else could he do if you refused.

I would bin him off with his pathetic crocodile tears

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 23:37

So he was jobless for a year. I assume that means you paid the mortgage. If he doesn’t want to be with you, fine. But why are you hell bent on ignoring the posters, who have told you that you may have a claim in the house seeing as you contributed toward it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/01/2018 23:45

He sounds like he’s having a breakdown.

I’d be very worried about him & wouldn’t be issuing ultimatums, they’re really not very useful.

He needs to tell you what it is he needs to work out in his head, he owes you that much.

Listen to him. He’s behaved horribly, but it’s a one off after 16 years is be very worried about his mental state.

MrsPestilence · 21/01/2018 23:47

I'd be worried about his mental sate as well. Probably worried enough to contact his parents.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/01/2018 23:50

To add a bit of context, a friend of a friends DH did something very similar to this, he had a brain tumour :(. There was another poster a while ago who posted about her DH and some very unreasonable behaviour too & likewise, he had a brain tumour. It’s not always as easy as ‘He’s a cunt. Block him’ no matter how many people post telling you that.

Mydogsanasshole · 22/01/2018 00:10

Has he called you back yet? What is your gut telling you..... Affair, illness, financial problems? Would you take him back? Do you love him or has the distance gave you any clarity on how you feel about him? Hope you are ok. Xx

mathanxiety · 22/01/2018 00:11

Mummy - the OP was jobless for a year, not her ex.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2018 00:14

While it could be some kind of depressive episode or crisis, he had the presence of mind to book op a flight, inform her of his decision to end the relationship and actually drive her to the airport.

I think it's ice in the veins, not presence of mind. He also deleted photos of her, sitting right beside her. He is cruel and stone cold.

Like Sl33pDay I think he might be a dangerous individual.

youngnomore · 22/01/2018 00:29

Flowers hope you get some answers op.

RosemaryHoight · 22/01/2018 01:21

One of my dearest friends left after a similar situation.

She doesn't regret the end of the relationship.

She regrets a bit leaving all the stuff she chose. Towels, bed linen, picture frames.

But she has a better life without him.

Angelf1sh · 22/01/2018 06:02

No mathanxiety, there’s an update that says her fiancé was also out of work for a while.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2018 06:16

Oh goodness me what appalling behaviour.

Op do you honestly think you could get back with a man who did this to you

eloisesparkle · 22/01/2018 07:00

OP In my post I should have said how sorry I was that somebody treated you so badly. I hope you are surrounded by love in your own family. Thanks
He says he was crying at work, can you trust a man who threw you out with no mercy, in anything he says ?
Take care.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/01/2018 08:22

Mumyofdragons. She has no claim to the house if she is not in the house deeds or married, even if she has been paying the mortgage for a long time.

Moral right yes, legal right nope.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2018 08:58

Math
NotSure

he was made redundant about 5 years ago and was jobless for a year until he found the job he has now. Never had much spare money. Almost lost the house at one point.. I understand op has also been jobless for some time herself now.

The only reason I’m asking this is because on many other threads, people has stated a partner in ops situation categorically does have a claim on the house if they have been paying the mortgage. Idk if they are right though. I am not a solicitor. I’m not trying to give her false hope. Just to make enquiries if she so wishes.

PeacefulBlessing · 22/01/2018 10:01

He said he thought you wouldn't want to stay once he'd said what he said?

But he persisted in booking tickets even though you were upset and asking if there was any way of working this out. You asked if it were true that he had no feelings for you and he said it was. You asked for more time amd he refused. You asked for answers and he refused...

I would not be automatically believing him just because he is now saying.the things you'd like to hear and means you could return to your old, recognisable life.

I know you think that giving him a short time frame to make a decision will show him how you felt but, actually, I think he needs to jump through some very big fiery hoops to even stand a chance of you considering resuming your relationship.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 22/01/2018 11:32

I would put money on him telling people that he got home last night ,you packed and left him the next morning.Just leaving out the bit where he threw you out,bought the ticket etc.And he will be believed because it makes more sense than the truth.
He'll not tell you the truth now,he doesn't have to.Hes probably amazed at how easy for him you made it.
Now you have the rest of your life to live,make it a good one and show him what a mistake he made.

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