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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 24/01/2018 16:27

You have done what's right for you at this time and that is all that matters.

The breakdown and depression sound real and you are going to have to deal with that. He has opened up to you.

Lets hope it is a chance to start again. I hope it works out for you.
I agree with the poster that says it is important for you to have your own money and security. You must work towards that.

All the best.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 24/01/2018 16:42

OP you've made a decision and I wish you the very best.

My advice is if you're going to stick by him then do so BUT please take this as a turning point for sorting your "practical" life out irrespective of him. Get yourself some security. Good luck!

JaneEyre70 · 24/01/2018 16:48

Only time will tell if you've made the right choice but I agree wholeheartedly with everyone telling you to protect yourself from this situation again. I'd be very careful of being his rescuer - only he can make himself better and he showed you a very cruel side of himself. Just remember that, and have plans to get out permanently should he do so again. Best of luck.

LemonShark · 24/01/2018 17:19

Sorry but it stinks like shit.

Protect yourself OP. What he did was cruel. Being depressed is NO excuse for acting like this. This isn't the depression, this is him. This is who he is.

I have diagnosed depression, have had several 'breakdowns' and and on citalopram. It would never make me treat somebody I cared about like this.

Sorry but I think the short term pain of the separation, which hurts even as the one initiating it, has made him change back just to make it go away, persuading himself it'll be okay. It doesn't mean anything has changed long term or he's not going to treat you like this again, nor that deep down he's happy with you. In a few weeks when the stress has lifted and the meds have kicked in he'll end it, mark my words.

Protect yourself. Seriously.

Starlight2345 · 24/01/2018 17:23

Op . No one online knows if it is right or wrong my concern for you . He said get a flight you did . You need your inner strength and yes hopefully this is a wake up call you are very financially vulnerable . I wish you luck

Ellisandra · 24/01/2018 17:38

Choose where you want to live. Then live there. Make sure you can afford to live there alone - that could mean with family, or in a house share if you can't afford to rent alone.

Let him come to you.

Sell his place - whatever. Not yet concern.

Date him, let him rebuild your trust, and let him recover.

Do not upsticks and buy a house with this man, or move into his rented or bought place, or rent together if you can't afford the rent alone.

Next time (and it could happen) that he throws you out like trash, you need to be utterly secure in your accommodation and finances.

If in the coming years he recovers - or manages his illness - and you want to buy together, then assess that risk at the time. But do not ever put yourself back in the same position. Own the house 50:50.

Don't let him think that moving, getting a house together, marriage (and god forbid children!) is a way of helping him get better, or proving that he is better.

Coyoacan · 24/01/2018 17:39

Good luck, OP. I don't think though that he should be making life-changing decisions at this moment.

StaplesCorner · 24/01/2018 18:29

I see my desperately trying to save and cling on to marriage with my DH years ago as a sliding doors moment - and, as `i found out, so does he. He wanted to split up, but I was so busy trying to "help" him I made him feel like he must stay with me. In fact at the time I'd have given anything to get rid, I suppose I didn't;t have the courage. at the time I wasn't sure if I could meet someone else in time to have kids.

I ended up having my two children with him within 2 years and it was all downhill with him from there - however, I can't "wish it away" as I have the DDs now. all this happened 18+ years ago. I think you should live apart and as a previous poster says, don't try and fix him.

RedWineAllMine · 24/01/2018 21:28

OP I don't think you've made a mistake. You have done what you felt was right. People make mistakes- men make mistakes. I would think it would have been a bit silly for you to have thrown it all away when there has been a simple explanation. He mistook his feelings and now he is doing something about it.
I wish you all the best in your decision!

RedWineAllMine · 24/01/2018 21:30

But you do need to sort yourself out financially. You can't be dependent on someone like that, even more so now that you know what he is capable of doing.

Onecutefox · 24/01/2018 21:47

You are very brave OP Flowers

TwoDrifters · 24/01/2018 22:21

Did his feeling “no joy, no emotions, no happiness etc” lead to him deleting all photos of any happy moments in the last few months or only specifically the ones with you in?

Just something to think about, OP.

I hope you’re ok.

Shadow666 · 24/01/2018 22:51

Oh, dear. You can’t fix him, OP. Whatever it is that he has going on, he needs to sort himself out. Him leaving and starting again with you will just lead to more resentment on his part. He really is a terrible coward. I worry about you. You deserve so much better.

Jux · 24/01/2018 23:32

Time will tell whether it's a mistake or not. Just use this experience as a warning - guard yourself. Make sure the assets are half yours, so put your name on the Deeds of wherever you buy, and if you don't move make sure the Deeds of your current house have your name on. Same for any other major assets.

Bug81 · 24/01/2018 23:37

OP, it's ok for you to do what u feel comfortable with at the moment. I wish u the best for the future.

TemptressofWaikiki · 24/01/2018 23:59

A slightly different take on the whole situation. I feel that iwalyw gets a chance for closure either way. It all happened so fast and OP got swept away by his hasty, drastic action and was left in total shock without any answers. She might have spent a long time agonising as to why. Now, she’s more in control of the situation and at least has an explanation. I would hope that after 16 years of a close relationship, neither partner be so quick to totally condemn someone going through a breakdown, even if they did act rather shitty. He could have taken a different and far more devastating course of action. Maybe it is a second chance and wake-up call for OP to ensure that she builds up more of a social life and becomes more independent of her DP, both in the financial and social sense. It seems, this extreme situation led to him actually getting much needed medical help and prompted both to really talk honestly. Maybe that will strengthen their future relationship. And if after all this, they don’t make it as a couple, at least, the OP can perhaps feel better about it, rather than the initial shock split. She took back the power. Life is messy and not as black and white as some people seem to insist.

Mysteriouscurle · 25/01/2018 00:07

If she has gone back to live with him in his house she has not taken any power back. She is in exactly the same vulnerable position as she was before. He could do the same tomorrow or next week Sad

Angelf1sh · 25/01/2018 03:57

Seems like a terrible idea to me but the very best of luck to you op.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/01/2018 04:14

The photo deletion was very cruel. Perhaps it was so you would understand that he meant what he said and you’d go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/01/2018 04:15

Posted too soon. I agree with others, you must protect yourself financially so that this doesn’t happen again. Do it sooner rather than later. You cannot save him, you’re still ill, aren’t you?

Shadow666 · 25/01/2018 04:43

A breakdown doesn’t really explain what happened at all. I had a kind of breakdown in my twenties. I walked out of my job, left my flat, left my friends, broke up with my boyfriend and moved back in with my parents for a while. He just broke up with the OP. That says something.

Anyway, of course the OP is entitled to make her choice and I respect that. I’m not going to give her a hard time for her decision but just a warning to be very careful. Look after yourself!

isthismylifenow · 25/01/2018 06:09

I wish you all the best OP. I will echo what other posters have said, in that you need to do what is best for you right now. If this is what you feel is best now, then this is purely your decision to make. Once you have digested what has happened, you may think differently. None of us know your relationship with your fiancé, you do though. But, I think it has been a very hard lesson that you do have to think of yourself for the future. You absolutely cannot be in that situation again.

Just as an aside, 6 years ago I had a breakdown, quite severe too, ended up hospitalized. But during that whole episode, my mind was a mess yes, but I never once took it out on anyone else around me. Not everyone is going to react in the same way I agree, but don't just assume this was all breakdown related.

Abitlost2015 · 25/01/2018 07:06

Best of luck OP, you sound very kind and generous. I hope it works out for you.

Greatestshow · 25/01/2018 07:48

I understand you would want to support him. Personally I would say to him get some help, take the medication and let’s see where we are in three months and if we want to still be together.

If you go back to him at this early stage I think you will be bending over backwards to support him and it is tough. I found myself quite helpless in a similar situation (exh breakdown) and couldn’t really change the situation at all because the issues were too big. Also he will be pushing you away which is exactly what he has already done.

stickytoffeevodka · 25/01/2018 08:08

Please don't make any decisions now.

Go back to your parents and let him come to you. He seems to have some kind of odd power over you that isn't healthy. He tells you to leave, you go without a fuss. He cries and wants you back and you just jump on a plane for him.

What about your needs and what you want? Please don't put your life and financial security on hold for him.