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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
eloisesparkle · 22/01/2018 12:07

It's really weird OP

SkaPunkPrincess · 22/01/2018 12:49

I hope your ok OP you don't deserve to be treated like this.

LannieDuck · 22/01/2018 19:53

Did he call you back?

tillytown · 23/01/2018 07:55

OP, this man is a idiot, he isn't worth any more of your time or energy. Send him a list of anything you want from the house, and then block him. His crying down the phone at you just proves how much of a tool he is

loopylou6 · 23/01/2018 17:02

How are you op?

FilledSoda · 23/01/2018 17:06

I would never feel safe with him again

Chingchok · 24/01/2018 04:50

I know it is painful right now, and you probably just want it all to go away. But I truly think that there is no way to go back from this. It happened. He did it to you. And though you may choose to forgive him you will never, ever forget, and it will inform every moment of your lives together. You will always wonder if he might do it again. And should you end up having children, then that is something they would have to endure with you.

As things stand, you are free. You are away from the cold, emotionless person that deleted all photos of you, in front of you, and told you your personality had changed. 16 years is a lot to “throw away” - but it’s nothing compared to the rest of your life with a man that you will struggle to trust again. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him, and protect yourself

isthismylifenow · 24/01/2018 06:41

What an appalling thing to do to somebody. I am honestly shocked, so sorry OP.

How are you doing now a few days down the line?

I think the crying etc down the phone is a bit of a cheek really, he had to the chance to speak to you after he booked flight and took you to the airport, he didn't even say goodbye to you ffs, but he is willing to spend two hours on the phone with you after you have gone. So he couldn't say what he wanted to face to face.

I have to think this is a blessing in disguise OP. Are you well enough to work now? Being on your mums couch isn't ideal, but it is a roof over your head until you can go forward a little, and you have family around you, which at this point, is what you do need. Support. Pretty convinced when in sinks in that you have actually gone, he is going to regret it and try make it right again. But how could you ever go back to a situation after what he is done. He doesn't deserve you OP.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 24/01/2018 07:38

Whatever is going on, he’s a right cheeky sod, throwing a hand grenade into your life and then expecting you just to come back like nothing has happened. I would personally have nothing more to do with him.

CatsCatsCats11 · 24/01/2018 08:10

I'm so sorry your going through this OP.

Not sure I could ever trust him or be with him again after he can do this to you.

Onecutefox · 24/01/2018 14:04

Are you OK OP?

Original poster
iwalyw · 24/01/2018 14:52

I wanted to come back and update you all as you were so kind to help me through all this when I was at my lowest, I am also on a computer now so easier to type everything out etc. Its been a long couple of days.

He did call me back, we ended up speaking on the phone until 2am, he told me everything, could not stop himself from crying most of the night, he told me he felt like he was having a breakdown of some kind and he didn't feel like himself anymore, no joy, no emotions, no happiness etc and he had taken that to mean he was no longer happy, so it must have meant he wasn't happy with me, I decided to fly back, I had no idea what I was expecting to happen, I just needed to know he was going to be ok.

Took him to the doctors this morning and He has just been signed off work for two weeks, and the doctor has just given him a perscription for citalopram, for depression.

We have been talking since I got back, crying, I have never seen him like this, opening up to me about everything, as it stands he has said he is going to sell this house, and he would like to get somewhere together, close to my family, he would like to start again.

I know a lot of you will think I have made a huge mistake.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/01/2018 15:04

You might be making a big mistake - you might be doing the right thing, nobody here knows.

All I would say to you is that you've seen what this man can do - after a long relationship - with no care of you. It's still all about him and how he feels and you should remember that whatever happens, he will always look after Number 1 and that is himself, he's proved that to you.

So, if you do want to give this another go then please, for your own sake, do it on your terms and make sure that you have your exit plan available to you even if you never need to use it.

I wish you well and hope you get what you actually deserve, which is a decent man and a happy life.

gillybeanz · 24/01/2018 15:11

OP, I have followed your thread and wished I'd said something before.
I too believe the breakdown story, i've known a couple of people act completely out of character and this be the case.
A pp a long way back suggested it could be an illness that he felt he couldn't burden you with, whilst difference mh can cause illness and make you act out of character.
I don't know if you are making a mistake or not as I don't know you, but me and my dh have come through breakdowns and are still together, I wouldn't blame you for trying again if you've had 16 happy years together. Thanks

GlitteryFluff · 24/01/2018 15:22

I hole you're doing ok.
You won't know if you're doing the right or wrong thing, you've just gotta do what you think's best. Thanks

Mysteriouscurle · 24/01/2018 15:29

If you get back with him do it on your terms, ie you do not move in with him until you have a binding legal agreement of some sort that will never let him throw you out again at a few hours notice, name on mortgage or rent or an interest in the house somehow. Make that non negotiable.

TheVeryThing · 24/01/2018 15:30

I echo Lying's post above. While people's behaviour can be out of character when they have mental health problems, I would be very wary of this man.
If you decide to give it another go, please put your own needs and financial security first. You were in a very vulnerable position with no job and no financial interest in the house and you need to look out for yourself - you know now that he will prioritise himself when the going gets tough.

bummypicklemummy · 24/01/2018 15:35

I hope it works out for you op. Smile

purpleunicorns · 24/01/2018 15:46

I hope it all works out for you, if you do get back with him please insist on him putting your name on the mortgage so you don't find yourself in this position again Thanks

OverlyYappy · 24/01/2018 15:50

I hope you can work through things.

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 24/01/2018 15:51

Just make sure you protect yourself this time. Get your name on the deeds etc

ThamesRiver · 24/01/2018 15:53

You've made a decision OP - who knows if right or wrong.

All I'd say is you should make sure you don't end up running around him to try and fix him. It will drain all the life from you very quickly. HE needs to fix himself and he should be told that in no uncertain terms.

There are times in our lives when we choose to support those dear to us - that's what makes us human. But doing so at the expense of ones own wellbeing is a recipe for a life of unhappiness an loneliness.

Have pride in yourself and set your own boundaries.

Good luck

alotalotalot · 24/01/2018 16:10

All the best for the future. Hopefully things will be great with treatment.

My only bit of advice (advice I've given in the past which was unfortunately ignored and my warning became reality) is to wait on selling the house and buying somewhere together until you have been back together for a while, and know that things will definitely work out. The person I am referring to, was persuaded that a fresh start in a new house, was the way forward. Unfortunately things deteriorated quite soon after and financially it was a big mistake.

B1rdsingarden · 24/01/2018 16:18

I see that you have gone back to your partner

He was supposed to travel to you

If you were ill, do you think that he would support you ?

I would also suggest that you try to get a job and have some of your own money for now and in your retirement for your own security

I would suggest seeing how this relationship goes for the next 6 months, before committing yourself - again to a relationship with your partner

You always have the choice of walking away from any relationship if you are unhappy and starting again

Good luck

everythingstaken123 · 24/01/2018 16:23

I'm so sorry you have been thrown into this situation. I don't think life and emotions are ever as easy as people on here like to make out. I wondered as soon as I read your post whether he had got ill in some way. Some people just don't handle their emotions well (especially men) and find it easier to simply cut off from everything they know in the hope it will make things better. You've been together 16 years. I think you both deserve to spend a little longer seeing if you can work it all out. Depression is a horrible illness like cancer that can kill. He needs treatment and especially needs support. Good luck OP.

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