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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/01/2018 08:24

I agree with shadow. His "breakdown" only seemed to be about you. Not any other part of his life. Hmm!

help1978 · 25/01/2018 08:43

I think we all bow out now as I don't think op will be back....

mamahanji · 25/01/2018 09:04

I second everyone pointing out the breakdown was incredibly focused to just you. I had a breakdown and quit my job, left my flat, and isolated myself from every other human on the planet. Not just my fiancé.

It sounds like he had a plan and then chickened out.

Whatever happens now, I don't think you can undo the utterly cold and frankly scary way he treated you 5 days ago.

Onecutefox · 25/01/2018 09:58

I just think but hopefully I am wrong that he is lying. I think he wanted to get out of this relationship so depressed as a result but has realised he shouldn't have ended the relationship that horrible way so now he is trying to patch up and making up a story to feel sorry for himself. Later he will say it's not working for him, blah-blah-blah.

He has "stubbed OP in the heart" and you cannot trust such man whatever his reasons. Feel sorry for the OP.

Gemini69 · 25/01/2018 10:47

good lord.. just read your update OP.. good luck Flowers

FilledSoda · 25/01/2018 11:01

I think the ow didn't want him after all.

Ginkypig · 25/01/2018 11:34

Whatever you decide or whatever happens I wish you the best of luck!

I really hope that what he's told you is true and now it's out there he can get the support to recover.

Can I say though please if you can forge something for your self, find a way to earn a little money too protect yourself, make sure you are on the deed rental agreement to any house, make a few friends etc don't let yourself be in a position where he decides your not wanted and have not to fall back on.

Really good luck Flowers

stickytoffeevodka · 25/01/2018 11:37

Please be careful OP.

Don't take everything at face value and please have an exit plan. I don't think this man is the poor, depressed soul he's painted himself to be.

magoria · 25/01/2018 11:38

I had the same thought as FilledSoda.

I wonder if as soon as he was free of Op that OW went oh fuck I don't want you so he has come up with all this as a way of explaining why he was such a cold heartless bastard to her.

EmNetta · 25/01/2018 14:17

Been lurking, as am impressed with how many kind and sensible people have attempted to help the OP, who had suffered so much at the start of this thread.

Hope all goes well for you, OP.

Mix56 · 25/01/2018 15:05

Filledsodas scenario is possible, he may have thought one of his students was ready to step in, when he offered her the position, she may have said, you must be kidding...

ReanimatedSGB · 25/01/2018 15:30

It sounds very much like the OW said, no thanks mate so he's backpedalling, because he doesn't want to be without a woman to cook and clean and stroke his ego, and you 'will do.'

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 25/01/2018 15:50

Honestly, whatever you decide, don't do it quickly. Take some time alone, get a job, build a real life in the place of your choice, THEN decide what you want to do.

Regardless whether he has been cheating, has depression, wants to live a completely different life (date men? date blonde 18 year olds?) but doesn't have the nerve, or is just an idiot who decided to avoid commitment and is now panicking, the reality is he threw you out in the street.

It is not normal that you had so few ties where you lived for 16 years. You mention losing your job - has something prevented you finding a new one? And why no close friends or things you couldn't leave behind? It's as if you weren't living a real life there. Or had become depressed/withdrawn even before he mentioned breaking up? Whatever you decide relationship wise, you need to build a whole life outside your partner, or you will always be very vulnerable.

TieGrr · 25/01/2018 15:58

Breakdowns can be confined to just certain aspects of your life. My first (and worst) bout of depression centered on university and affected me there and at home, but for some reason, I was able to go into work (part time) and continue on there as normal.

honeyroar · 25/01/2018 18:00

I was one of the ones criticising him previously. He did treat you terribly. But I've had my mum go through a breakdown (even hospitalised) when I was a teenager, and she changed beyond belief. She refused to see my dad, would only see me, and was very harsh towards everyone. Once she was treated and helped she became my normal mum, so I can understand the giving a chance to hear m if you really think this is out of character and due to his mental health. But you keep hold of your senses, and trust your gut. He must get help. If it's not genuinely an illness there's no going back.

And if/when things do get back on an even keel then you absolutely need to even up this relationship so that he cannot just throw you out and leave you with nothing ever again. You need to learn from this episode whatever happens.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 25/01/2018 18:24

I’m sorry but I agree - the ow said no and so he’s back to you.

Protect yourself in all aspects

user1510568216 · 25/01/2018 19:06

honeyroar is absolutely spot on. Hope it works out for you.

BackInTheRoom · 25/01/2018 19:19

@iwalyw

Hi OP. You do what you need to do. After all it's your life, not ours.

My STBXH said he thought he was depressed, found no joy in anything and it turned out he had an OW Hmm. Just keep an open mind and your eyes peeled. I would have a snoop on his phone to see if he's messaging someone? I'm not proud saying snoop but after it happened to me and seeing it countless times on MN, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Failingat40 · 03/02/2018 17:04

Hi op, I'd be careful here.

The big red flag for me is the fact he wouldn't tell you anything before you left, and only 'opened up' to you on the phone after you've been always a few days.

This strikes me as cowardly and suspiciously like he didn't want to burn his bridges with you completely by ending it with the truth. I think he wanted to test what it would feel like with you no longer there. Why, I don't know. Could be a multitude of reasons. One thing is certain though, he doesn't love you enough. What he did was appalling, regardless of any mental health problem.

Take time to analyse what has happened, speak to his friends and family.

If you are considering buying a new place together please make sure he's financially in a good place first. Get a credit check done on him. If your home name is going on the loan papers you will be equally responsible for the entire debt on the house.

Given the circumstances, I'd also make him disclose his texts and emails from the period around when he ended that things. I don't think that's an unreasonable request in this situation at all.

This will always haunt you unless you can move forward 100% positive in the knowledge that he is truthful.

Best wishes

eloisesparkle · 03/02/2018 21:34

If it were me OP I would tread very warily indeed.
He treated you like sh*t.

Original poster
iwalyw · 21/02/2018 10:20

Just here to say you were all right, he has done it again, woke up this morning to be told things are not working out and never will, he has been "nice" this time and told me I can stay as long as I want to until I am sorted out and I have a choice even though his mind is made up once again. Once again I had no idea he was feeling this way and rather than talk to me about things like a normal fucking human being he just treated me like a mind reader, bottled it all up and is once again throwing me away like rubbish.

Now I am convinced there is someone else, no other real explanation really, he took the depression tablets for a week then stopped saying something about he was worried about the side effects, (he didn't tell me he had stopped btw, I found some in the bin) the depression hasn't been mentioned since, I brought that up and got "well I still have to go to work if I am depressed or not" thrown in my face.

He is off work today, and normal people would have used today to talk things through, not us though, instead he woke up, told me all this, now he has gone out to get his car fixed and I am alone.

Only difference is this time my Mum has no room for me to stay, she recently got back with her boyfriend, so I have no idea where I will end up.

I do not know this man at all anymore and I will not be contacting him ever again once I leave. Last time I needed reasons, this time I will not stoop so low as to contact him.

Currently packing again. This time I am not upset, no tears, but I am kicking myself for being so fucking stupid as to believe the bullshit that he spewed out of his mouth. This time I will be the one to delete all trace of him, like he never existed and there will be no going back.

I probably will not come back to this thread because I don't think I could feel any lower if I tried, hard to describe this feeling but I feel lower than low, like my value to people is lower than a rat, nobody wants me around, I must be a terrible person.

If this is how I get treated by someone I have been with for so long then I am not interested in another relationship, I don't think I will ever bring myself to trust another person as long as I live.

My own fault for coming back.

OP posts:
itsbritneybeyatch · 21/02/2018 10:36

We’re all here for you x

CherryMaDeary · 21/02/2018 10:48

You are not worthless Flowers most of us have been fooled while in love.

It's a life lesson. I love this line by Rumi:

'If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?'

I.e every rub and friction you experience is not there to destroy you. It's trying to polish you. Trying to better. To clear the unclear and make you something in the end that is beautiful.

shockthemonkey · 21/02/2018 10:50

Oh god OP, what a rat.

DON'T EVER blame yourself. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

It is all HIM, and you are well rid.

Best of luck Flowers

AuntyElle · 21/02/2018 10:51

It really isn’t your fault, iwalyw. He treated you so appalling and inexplicably that you were in shock. You gave him another chance because it appeared to be (at least in part) a medical issue.
Please don’t blame yourself. You have just responded the Best You can to an extreme and bewildering situation that was created by this man.
Please try to be kind to yourself as you move forward. Flowers