DH has revealed abuse by his mother

[randombot]

I have name changed due to the sensitive nature.

I have spent ages trying to write this post as I am shocked by what has come out and I'm trying not to let my own feelings towards my MIL influence my opinion or advice.

My DH had a slightly difficult upbringing as his parents went through a very acrimonious split when he was very young.

We get on very well with my FIL but he can be quite distant. We cut of contact (not easily) with my MIL about 2 years ago. She kept asking for money and became very emotionally manipulative. It's a very long story but it came to a head with my DH deciding to cut off all contact with her.

Despite my own feelings towards her, I was willing to suck it up if it made my DH happy to rebuild a relationship with her . He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I gently suggested that perhaps it might help to resolve the situation with his mother. He refused and I accepted his decision.

We happened to be watching a podcast on YouTube today and the topic of discipline growing up was discussed. My DH told me how his mother would discipline him as a child, such as beating him with a bent wooden spatula which he buried in the garden so she couldn't find it, and literally washing his mouth out with soap if he said something she didn't like. There were other examples that were explained as accidents but now I don't know.

He is such an amazing man and it broke my heart when he asked if I experienced the same growing up, I think he expected me to agree but my parents never hurt me in any way.

What do I do? Do I suggest therapy of some kind? Should he tell his dad? I'm at a total loss right now and just want to support him but I don't know what is for the best

Corporal punishment in schools was normal when I was growing up (70s and 80s), and a lot of parents used implements. My MIL used to use a slipper on my DH and BIL, though rarely. My DM once used a cane on my DB (for not being able to do his Maths homework ), but she was horrified by her own actions and never repeated it. They both smacked us A LOT. (There was other far worse abuse which is not for this thread.)

I'm really shocked at your MIL putting soap into your DH's mouth when he was a boy, that's horrible, and I'm also shocked at the PPs minimising this.

I agree that talking therapy would be very beneficial. It's lovely that your DH has you in his corner to support him.

OP, you asked how to find a good therapist. I suggest: at a minimum, your DH should be looking for someone who is UKCP registered, or a member of BACP (the first may be somewhat better, but both are reputable). How he feels about the individual therapist's fit with him is probably more important than the modality, but if he wants somewhere to start, I'd suggest that Gestalt therapy might be useful: a key idea (not unique to it, though) is that children learn to cope with the circumstances they find themselves in, those coping strategies become deep-seated habits, and later as adults they may need help to learn more appropriate ways to cope with the changed landscape of adulthood. IME it's good at compassion for the past combined with a practical, forward-looking approach.

Links:
www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/ (UKCP)
gestaltcentre.org.uk/find-a-counsellor-or-therapist/ (Gestalt)
www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists (BACP : nb the register is separate from the subset who've paid to advertise essentially)