DH has revealed abuse by his mother

[randombot]

I have name changed due to the sensitive nature.

I have spent ages trying to write this post as I am shocked by what has come out and I'm trying not to let my own feelings towards my MIL influence my opinion or advice.

My DH had a slightly difficult upbringing as his parents went through a very acrimonious split when he was very young.

We get on very well with my FIL but he can be quite distant. We cut of contact (not easily) with my MIL about 2 years ago. She kept asking for money and became very emotionally manipulative. It's a very long story but it came to a head with my DH deciding to cut off all contact with her.

Despite my own feelings towards her, I was willing to suck it up if it made my DH happy to rebuild a relationship with her . He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I gently suggested that perhaps it might help to resolve the situation with his mother. He refused and I accepted his decision.

We happened to be watching a podcast on YouTube today and the topic of discipline growing up was discussed. My DH told me how his mother would discipline him as a child, such as beating him with a bent wooden spatula which he buried in the garden so she couldn't find it, and literally washing his mouth out with soap if he said something she didn't like. There were other examples that were explained as accidents but now I don't know.

He is such an amazing man and it broke my heart when he asked if I experienced the same growing up, I think he expected me to agree but my parents never hurt me in any way.

What do I do? Do I suggest therapy of some kind? Should he tell his dad? I'm at a total loss right now and just want to support him but I don't know what is for the best

IMO it is really pointless (and quite harmful) to even get into thinking about what may or may not have been ‘normal’ at various times in history.

What is true is that there is a lot of really good research into the terrible harm that this kind of abusive parenting can do to children.

It is also true that your DH has been harmed by it and that is the only determinate that matters when determining whether it was ‘that bad’ IMO 🙄

Whilst there is a tiny possibility that other people may not have been harmed (though I’d argue it was more likely that they were in denial) or that the emotional harm they suffered as a result may not be as serious as your H it is also true that for a lot of people the harm they suffer from experiences like this can be life ruining (addiction, modelling the abuse themselves, poverty, debt, inability to maintain relationships/work etc etc etc) and much much worse than what your h is suffering with and that all those varying reactions are legitimate, objectively researched and understood, effects of being abused as a child.

This is coming out because a. He is safely away from her and therefore his subconscious mind has brought it to the surface and b. The idea of having children has acted as a trigger.

He is having a very normal and understandable reaction IMO. He is also clearly a very capable and lovely person to have been able to keep functioning and keep it hidden for so long.

Keeping it hidden though causes further damage to your psyche.

IME the type of therapy I have found most useful in dealing with childhood abuse is inner child therapy. I would recommend that he considers this at some stage.

@LineysRuff I am, believe me

Offred, I agree after reading the responses today. At first I was focusing on whether it was normal for that time but the most important thing seems to be that he is hurt and conflicted by his mother's behaviour, and it is still affecting him.

Thank you for your advice, I will keep it in mind if he chooses to seek therapy

I don't think it is helpful to look at this in terms of 'what was done', so much as 'how your OH has been affected by it.'

Two close relatives of mine were abused as children by the same person, about 35 years ago. One has been affected by it hugely all their adult life. The other, having experienced exactly the same, has not been affected at all.

So regardless of whether the same thing was happening to others at the same time, or whether it was 'considered the norm', or whether it was 'not illegal', the fact that, at this moment, your OH is affected by it, makes it worth dealing with through therapy / counselling.

It is also worth noting that his current MH issues may be caused by it / exacerbated by it / have brought it to prominence at the moment, so it is definitely worth trying to find a route by which both can be treated in tandem, rather that in two separate 'boxes' by two separate routes, if that makes sense?

Apologies for cross post.

Great minds can’t...

OP it is certainly different to a light tap/smack some of us may have got if we did something awful or potentially dangerous.

I remember my parents when I was about 7/8 telling me not to go near the fire (there was a guard, but still) and I went to do it anyway, got a tap on my wrist and bloody well never did it again!!!
But as I said, sounds like your DH went through a lot more than that. Poor guy. I second supporting him as much as you can (which you are!) and letting him talks when he wants

I would absolutely agree, btw, that the prospect of himself perhaps becoming a parent could also be bringing this to the fore at the moment.

For my relative, their own children reaching the age at which they had been abused in the past was a huge trigger in worsening the issues it caused, and eventually precipitated the disclosure of the abuse, treatment, and to the extent that it is possible, closure.

@cantkeepawayforever it is a very good point trying to treat his MH issues in tandem. I am not qualified or experienced enough to even hazard the relationship between his childhood and how he is presently but they do appear very connected

Sorry if it's been mentioned before but some companies offer 6 free counselling sessions. Maybe be worth looking into. My mil was quite clearly abused by her mother. She refuses to accept this and says she's glad she wasn't impacted (instead she thinks it was only her dB). This impacted the way she treated my dh. He had counselling. It helped him and me understand some of his behaviours! Good luck.

My son is 36, never in a million years would I have done anything remotely like that, nor did I know anyone else who did, it wasn't the norm. He'd get a little tap if he was really naughty but a little tap did the trick.

My mother abused me as a child but it was the emotional side that really screwed me up for a long long time. Not so much the physical hurt but the humiliation and name calling that would go with it and the fear of always being wrong.
You DH is so lucky to have you to talk to. But it’s hard to open up sometimes. I found counselling actually made me feel worse as it was like picking at a wound and letting the poison out.
When I had my children I looked at them and thought that however much they drive me crazy and however much they misbehave I could never hurt them like she did to me. I think it’s a very positive step that your DH is trying to make sense of it all and break the cycle of abuse.
(Also please just ignore 20 pounds who is clearly a goody fucker talking bollocks)

SERIOUSLY...what the fuck is wrong with some people!!!!!
This is someone's life and experience...someone is suffering...don't minimalist it !!!! We all deal with things differently!
OP it sounds like you are offering him great support and allowing him to open up is great !!!!
I do think though that he should try a wellbeing course or some councelling...what he's feeling is real and it needs dealing with !

It’s the stress response of the child to whatever has happened in childhood that has a big role to play in long term consequences to the child and there is some indication that it is dose related.

Childhood abuse (and other adverse events in childhood) actually have an effect on the a child’s neurobiological development.

If I can remember correctly from my research for an essay on the Swedish ban on physical punishment there was a piece of research in Germany that suggested that whilst some children may not suffer much harm from ‘minor’ physical punishment, some children can be particularly sensitive and given we cannot know which ones are sensitive and which ones aren’t this adds even further weight to the masses of research that has found that physical punishment is not even effective as discipline, causes measurable harm even at ‘minor’ levels (and legal ‘smacking’ leads to escalation to serious abuse) and banning it doesn’t criminalise parents.

As a starting point, your dp will be able to self-refer for IAPT services for his anxiety and depression. From here (because he knows the source of his anxiety and depression), they should be able to put him in touch with organisations or professionals which will help him with his specific needs.
You can search IAPT services in your area here.

good luck to you both.

My DP is 26 and his mother used to hit him with things and wash his mouth out with soap. I was shocked beyond belief when he told me.

He didn’t seem that bothered by it so I was sure to make it completely clear that nothing like that would be happening to our DC ever. No physical discipline. Ever!

OP, I am so sorry for your DH. I hope he gets the help he needs to recover from this.

After years of ignoring it, the past couple of years I’ve really thought about it a lot, as a previous poster said my kids are now the age I was when it was at its worst so it has triggered a lot of emotional response in me.
I’ve had to grieve for the life I should have had, deal with the guilt of going no contact, try and make sure I am a better more loving parent, and realise that a lot of my issues as an adult result from my childhood and the fact that the person who was supposed to protect me and care for me failed to do that and that no child should have to live in a house of fear.
My husband comes from a loving family (not without its problems, his parents split when he was 3 etc ) but they are all such a welcoming loving bunch. With that comes a slight amount of jealousy and even though they all treat me as family and would do anything for me I can’t help but know of me and DH split up it would never be the same and they aren’t really MY family, they would always be welcoming to me as the kids mother but DH would always come first (unless he did something terrible then they would take my side without a doubt)

It’s really really hard, what happens to you as a child really impacts on you for the rest of your life and no matter how much therapy you do or realisation that it wasn’t your fault, you can never change the past.

Your DH needs to realise that it’s not his fault and all he can do is try and change the future. It’s hard and it’s lonely, and although people can empathise they can never really understand

OP one practical thing that massively helped me was having some friends who are really positive parenting role models. I have learnt so much from them, about what is normal, and what wasn't right in my childhood, and about what unconditional love looks like.

My biggest fear is that I will repeat the cycle of poor parenting with my (soon to be born) DD. This may be part of the reason your DHs abuse has surfaced now, doubting himself as a future parent.

Thank you all. I know that I can never understand what he went through because honestly I can't imagine at all. My parents love him and treat him like the son they never had but I know that it will never be the same for him.

He truly is a wonderful human being and I hope that one way or another he can make peace with his childhood and be happy again. He used to seem so happy

@Eryri1981 that is very good advice but none of our close friends have children. He has cousins with children but his mum turned them against us as soon as he went NC. I do think however think that spending more time with my parents (we lived with them for a short while whilst between properties) had an effect. They have their faults as we all do, but they have always put their children first. Coupled with his decision that he does want us to start a family in the near future. It must be truly overwhelming for him

If it's any consolation, my dad ended up seeing my mum's mum as his mum and she loved him too.

When Nana was at ours he'd arrive home and sometimes announce 'I knew you were here, you left your broomsick in the porch' so she would pretend to clip him round the ear and demand he made a pot of tea immediately 'for his cheek'. Lots of daftness between them.

He didn't go to his mother's funeral in the late 80's and doesn't have any regrets.

@Weezol it's sounds like they had a close and loving relationship!

DH has told me that in his mind he doesn't have a mother anymore. It's so incredibly sad

That's how my dad felt from the age of 25 - when he stated spending time with my Nana.
He's been a great dad to me for over 43 years, this has partly been driven by his desire to ensure I never suffer the way that he did.

Sorry not read the whole thread.

OP, what your dh has described is abuse. I definitely think you need to help him access counselling - is private an option if the NHS lists are long? Alternatively could you look into any local charities that deal with abuse Survivors?

My father was never physically abusive, but he was incredibly emotionally abusive. It's not something I have ever talked about because as has been shown here, not everyone understands what constitutes abuse.

You have done the tight thing showing him that behaviour is not normal and hopefully he can start to move forward.

DH was very close to his paternal grandparents, he saw them most days growing up and thinking about it, I think they provided the only stability in his life when they he was young. They were both wonderful people who welcomed me into their home and were very loving. Sadly they both are both now deceased. Not recently but he has been talking about them recently so I think he might be really missing them as well