DH has revealed abuse by his mother

[randombot]

I have name changed due to the sensitive nature.

I have spent ages trying to write this post as I am shocked by what has come out and I'm trying not to let my own feelings towards my MIL influence my opinion or advice.

My DH had a slightly difficult upbringing as his parents went through a very acrimonious split when he was very young.

We get on very well with my FIL but he can be quite distant. We cut of contact (not easily) with my MIL about 2 years ago. She kept asking for money and became very emotionally manipulative. It's a very long story but it came to a head with my DH deciding to cut off all contact with her.

Despite my own feelings towards her, I was willing to suck it up if it made my DH happy to rebuild a relationship with her . He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I gently suggested that perhaps it might help to resolve the situation with his mother. He refused and I accepted his decision.

We happened to be watching a podcast on YouTube today and the topic of discipline growing up was discussed. My DH told me how his mother would discipline him as a child, such as beating him with a bent wooden spatula which he buried in the garden so she couldn't find it, and literally washing his mouth out with soap if he said something she didn't like. There were other examples that were explained as accidents but now I don't know.

He is such an amazing man and it broke my heart when he asked if I experienced the same growing up, I think he expected me to agree but my parents never hurt me in any way.

What do I do? Do I suggest therapy of some kind? Should he tell his dad? I'm at a total loss right now and just want to support him but I don't know what is for the best

It's almost like as soon as he begins to settle in a job he decides to leave to try something different.

I think this is most likely to be related. The longest I have worked anywhere is 3 years and that was in a job that I was very over qualified for.

I've been in one of my current roles for just over 2 years now (I work there a couple of days a week) and the drive to leave now is huge. I feel like I can see colleagues 'going off' me the longer I'm there. I hate it. It's horrible. It makes me want to hide from them and sometimes I do.

Surely a mother should want to do anything to support their child.

You'd think wouldn't you? In my case, mine sabotaged everything. It was proper stately home stuff - we went to NT properties, I had ballet lessons as a preschooler, swimming lessons, music lessons... but that was all because she was a good mother providing all those things and very visible to others (which was the important bit). The problem was me.

She sabotaged everything: friendships (would lock the front door so I couldn't leave to see them or would refuse to allow me to phone them etc for arbitrary reasons and they eventually stopped trying; she told me they didn't like me anyway because there was nothing about me to like and then used the fact they no longer made an effort with me as proof. I became defensive and avoided making friends to protect myself from the hurt); my education (A level and university); constantly told me I was an unfit mother; undermining my parenting and attempting to get a SW involved eg for a situation she had engineered. When my eldest had an obvious SN, she bullied me out of seeking a diagnosis with the faux concern that it had been my poor parenting that caused it and 'concerns' that they'd take him away.

Despite her very best efforts (and I have to hand it to her, they were good), no one else has ever expressed a concern about my parenting and my children are delightful people with whom I have an excellent relationship (I decided to just parent in the opposite way to her - whatever she did/would have done, I did the opposite). I returned to university in my late 20s as a single parent and got a first class degree (which she hated). I later returned and got a pg prof qualification. She attempted to undermine and sabotage that but, fortunately I had just enough support elsewhere to resist it. My child was diagnosed with an SN and got the support he needed - well almost. I still can'tdo relationships or friends very well and I

I have been NC with her for 6 years now. Ironically after all the years of being 'concerned' about my 'stability' and 'mental health', her hatred of me meant that she did something regarding my children that triggered a safegaurding alert. So she got her SW wish after all. Except that they declared her a risk to the children and said they'd close the case if we agreed to NC.

Sorry this is so long! I'd always assumed that with her out of my life, I would have a normal life like other people - I'd have the career I trained for, friends, a relationship. But all the freedom from her has done is expose just how badly she broke me fundamentally.

It has been a horrifying revelation. This wasn't just something that existed between her and me; this is something that runs through every part of me and affects everything. But it's like a slow dropping of many pennies. If your husband is talking about this now, it might be that something has triggered it for him.

Don't confront his mother. It will do no good. You won't like the response, I can guarantee that.

All you really need to do is be there for him. Listen. Even if what you hear is hard. He isn't telling you now because he wants you to say "what a cow" and go and sort her out for him, but it's probably the first time he's collated it all in his head. He needs to articulate it, get it in some kind or order, make sense of it, realise the enormity of it. He will begin to realise that even some of the things that he always assumed were ok, we also just more subtle forms of abuse. The main thing he needs from you at the moment is not necessarily a solution, but just to be heard and have his memories and feelings heard, recognised and validated.

Give him the space, and the forum, to process his thoughts and feelings. That is the biggest help you can be. If he goes for therapy before he is ready, it won't work for him.

He is very lucky that he has you for support

Oh god that was long! Sorry am on my phone and couldn't tell!!

goodness just, that must have been horrific. There must be some validation that in the end you were told to go NC with her for the safety of your children!

random sometimes when people start to feel in a safer place then stuff starts to bubble up. Also I'm convinced that age plays a part too. People's childhood often seems to bubble up in their 30's and even more so in their 40's. Having kids brings it to a head.

Is he afraid of repeating his mother's destructiveness? Does he trust himself, or not?

Sea hugely validating!

But the problem is that telling a snowman why it melts won't stop it from happening; just knowing it doesn't meaningfully change anything.

Just to add, random, he needs no emotion from you in response to this. It's hard, but he needs to feel that he can just talk about it without worrying about upsetting you. If you can make it completely neutral from your perspective, that is probably going to make it easier for him to talk about it.

It won't help him to see how bad it was reflected in your response, IYSWIM. Unless and until he asks you what you think, of course.

I'm sorry for what your DH is going through. Some practical suggestions for therapy- services available on NHS are limited and dependant on where you live. As pp said BACP is a good place to start for private counselling/ psychotherapy- I'd suggest a psychodynamic approach but that's a purely personal opinion. There are also many charities that offer low cost counselling such as Mind. Or look at local psychotherapy colleges where students see clients at a low cost - they are closely supervised and usually offer a good service. Good luck

I won't ever confront her because that will open up communication and it has taken so long to get her to stop sending letters, cards and messages. I really am trying to be neutral but I have my own very strong feelings about her.

@JustTheWayThingsWereBackThen don't apologise! I find this thread very helpful and if it helps you then all the better

I am doing my best to stay very neutral so I hope you all don't mind if I vent on here rather than say the wrong thing to him. I'm scared of getting it wrong and still find myself questioning her actions as I had no idea. Of course I believe him though

@SeaEagleFeather he would be a wonderful father but it's on the back burner for now. He is the priority

Sorry for the slight derail but just, your description of your situation with your mother is frighteningly similar to mine. So much so that I read the whole thing like this;

Offred Has it had a similar impact on you?

It really irks me when I read/hear people saying that you have the choice as to how you let these things affect you as an adult and you can't blame your childhood for poor choices, etc. but if your childhood has taught you about yourself and the world, you don't actually realise that they are poor choices. They make perfect sense.

Just - a lot worse TBH! I won’t write you the novel of my life on someone else’s thread but let’s just say it involves never being loved, being abused by every man i’ve been with, not having had a job at all for coming up to 13 years, having had grumbling MH issues for 21 years and now a disability which may have been triggered by the stress.

Yeah, I recognise all that, with the exception that I do work and don't have a stress related disability. Certainly recognise the abusive relationships, never having been loved and 'grumbling MH issues'.

My biggest fear is dying without ever having been truly loved.

People always say "well your children love you". That's true, but it's not the same. I crave the true love of someone who will cherish and protect me. Someone who values and believes in me. Someone who feels lucky to have me in their life... but I guess it's the parental love I crave and there's no where or no one else I can get that from.

OP your husband is very lucky that he has you.

Your OH upbringing sounds almost identical to mine, chuck in hands put in hot water, food used as a weapon, having to keep the house spotless and being beaten around the head, punched in the stomach (leaves no visible mark) if one spot of dust is found and we could have the same parents. I still can’t have bars of soap in the house. I have two estranged brothers somewhere. Anyway people can only advice you from their own experience and every reacts differently to abuse. If he wants counselling support him, if he doesn’t don’t force him (I personally couldn’t think of anything worse) if he has flash backs he might want to be on his own for a while or might want support. It’s going to be hard to know what’s right and what works one week might not work the next, and you might want to consider support for yourself as it’ll be just as hard for you, in some respects harder as you’ll not know what the best thing to do is, that’s not your fault, or his, it’s his mothers just remember that and that should help. X

You may find that him being a father one day turns out to be the making of him. He will be able to patent his child with all the love and strength the 2 of you obviously have and this may help him realise that what happened to him was undoubtedly so very wrong but equally can be left in the past and does not have to shape his future

*parent

He has told me that he doesn't want a relationship with his mother, but he is questioning if it was unreasonable and now I'm questioning it too. My gut instinct says no child should ever be treated like that but it seems like he is trying to justify it

Is it worth encouraging him to talk to his dad? He has his faults but he is a lovely man and we adore him. My worry is that FIL tends to be defensive at times, especially in relation to his marriage, so perhaps he might feel like he failed to protect DH

Is he seeing a therapist yet? I highly recommend he be active with a therapist before restarting contact with his mother or bringing up these issues to his father.

Whether or not he talks to his father is not your concern. Whatever he does, you emotionally support him, but trying to figure out what he should do and then get to do is really dysfunctional (besides encouraging him to see a professional who is trained in these issues and who isn't sleeping with him).

I agree, Hip

DH doesn't need to talk to his parents. You're thinking there's going to be "closure" somehow? Have a read of the other threads of adult survivors of abusive childhoods.

Just keep listening to him. Don't prod him. Don't get upset by what he tells you. Stay calm. Don't get over invested in it and worry about it etc. Stay calm and supportive.

My DH was regularly starved and locked alone in the house by his DM. Same as your DH he told me things gradually and in the context of memories that had been buried coming randomly to the surface, wondering if any of it was normal.

My perspective is that when in a safe place, the memories will bubble up for the person to process them. Because while the abuse is going on no processing can be done, it's just about survival and so everything gets repressed.

My DH still has issues with anger stemming from the abuse, but he is on the right track and actively working on himself. He is a good dad and as pp said, becoming a dad is the making of him. It's not been a smooth ride but that's life.

Someone once told me that everyone has a story that would make you cry if you heard it. I get excited when I think of a world where people are brave enough to tell each other their stories and brave enough to listen.

I've read in your thread that money for counselling would be tight. I for the life of me can't remember the name of the app but I know there are several out there that are free and you can speak to qualified counsellors through a messaging service. I don't have the experiences your DH has but I do have depression and anxiety and they helped me greatly. I couldn't talk to anyone face to face but through the anonymity of this app I was able to say things I couldn't to anyone else.

I wonder if it would maybe help for your DH?

@HipNewName I get it, I was wrong. I haven't said anything to my DH, I've just listened. I find your comments about being dysfunctional very upsetting. I'm talking on here to get advice to support him. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I would never try to do anything that would harm him

I've taken a lot of shit and abuse from his mother and she has always blamed me for the fact he doesn't want a relationship with her. It's been 2 years NC and I've shouldered all that blame, it's only just now that I have realised that there is much more that I wasn't aware of. I've been slagged off and had lies spread about me and all this time I thought I was the bad person

In functional relationship, both people respect each other as autonomous adults. Trying to fix someone or thinking that you are better positioned to figured out what is best for them isn't healthy. The dynamic of "you are so screwed up that I should make your decisions" is very, very common and I can see how it can be easy to slide into.

I'm not accusing you of anything. There is a thin grey line between being supportive of someone processing, and trying to their therapist (or worst, their parent). I'm just pointing out the line to you so you can stay clear of it.

I truly am trying my best to be supportive. My family is very messed up but in a very different way (far more passive aggressive and emotionally manipulative than physical)

I don't ever want to control him, or tell him what to do. I'm not trying to fix him, to me he is perfect. I guess I'm just trying to process my feelings on here so that I don't accidentally say something wrong to him.

random what you are doing is fine. It's clear, and you've said, that you're using this thread to process your own feelings and understand what you are hearing. You've also talked about supporting him, which is great.

I didn't read your posts as you intending to tell him what to do, but I think HipHop is right to highlight the line. It can be really hard, when you care deeply for someone who is hurting, to not try and find possible solutions.

I think it would be helpful for him to talk to a therapist who is trained in dealing with these family relationship dynamics rather than encouraging him to try and sort it out himself.

The bottom line is that, if his dad was capable of supporting him, he would have done so by now.

My dad apologised to me in my 20s for the way he'd treated me. He didn't make excuses but said that, as time had gone on, he could see how wrong he'd been (for hitting me etc). We had many talks about it over the next few years and he told me what I'd already seen for myself; that my mother had been controlling and EA to him too and that he had, essentially, taken his anger, frustration and helplessness out on me.

It meant that I could talk to him about it all and he was an insightful source of support. But I could only do it because he recognised himself that it had been wrong and approached me.

(Having said that, I was/am still aware that he could have been very cleverly manipulating me, but I had no one and nothing else.)