DH has revealed abuse by his mother

[randombot]

I have name changed due to the sensitive nature.

I have spent ages trying to write this post as I am shocked by what has come out and I'm trying not to let my own feelings towards my MIL influence my opinion or advice.

My DH had a slightly difficult upbringing as his parents went through a very acrimonious split when he was very young.

We get on very well with my FIL but he can be quite distant. We cut of contact (not easily) with my MIL about 2 years ago. She kept asking for money and became very emotionally manipulative. It's a very long story but it came to a head with my DH deciding to cut off all contact with her.

Despite my own feelings towards her, I was willing to suck it up if it made my DH happy to rebuild a relationship with her . He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I gently suggested that perhaps it might help to resolve the situation with his mother. He refused and I accepted his decision.

We happened to be watching a podcast on YouTube today and the topic of discipline growing up was discussed. My DH told me how his mother would discipline him as a child, such as beating him with a bent wooden spatula which he buried in the garden so she couldn't find it, and literally washing his mouth out with soap if he said something she didn't like. There were other examples that were explained as accidents but now I don't know.

He is such an amazing man and it broke my heart when he asked if I experienced the same growing up, I think he expected me to agree but my parents never hurt me in any way.

What do I do? Do I suggest therapy of some kind? Should he tell his dad? I'm at a total loss right now and just want to support him but I don't know what is for the best

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag you are minimizing what my DH has experienced. How is that in his best interest? And don't call me darling

@randombot I'm being realistic

I think he needs to get help from a professional.
But he may not feel ready to do that yet.
If he does, things normally get worse before they get better. He has to learn to take everything out, put it in boxes and pack it away, it will never go.
It will eventually be locked away but for him never forgotten, never dismiss what he feels, things like a tv show or a news story can bring back feelings and you may find a link with that and his anxiety. His anxiety maybe a way of protecting himself.

When and if he is ready, the gp will be the first port of call, or ofcourse you can go private. NHS funded counselling normally has long waiting lists,
The first councillor may not be suitable for him, he may need to try again with someone else.
Ask him of he wants you to come with him. Or wait outside or wait at home, different things may help him and he probably wont know what he wants yet.
Give him time. Tell him that his safe with you, that you will never hurt him

It was a huge step him telling you and there may well be more details to come, dont be scared to cry with him, its natural for you to be hurting, as he is hurting and you want that to go away.
Dont say anything bad against his mother, just listen to what his saying, dont ask questions, just let him talk.

He may of hidden memories and they may or may not fully come out.

You sound really understanding.

Look after you too

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag well that is your view, I don't agree, so why on earth do you keep posting on this thread?!

random
Thank you. It took a long time to get counselling through the nhs. I was first referred in surgery to someone, who did cbt. She was very very young and inexperienced and not at all helpful for someone with my issues. I don’t know who was more confused about how the process should work. I went back to the gp and got referred to mind. Mind was pretty good. Perhaps that could be a start for your dh.

I now see a therapist privately. One person in my experience can only take you so far but as your dh has already put boundaries up vis a vis his mother so he is further down the road than I was when I started the process.

I’m also 30 And was “disciplined” in the exact same way..developed some Incredibly harmful coping mechanisms to block it out the vast majority of my life. woke up one morning two years ago and had a full mental breakdown as it came flooding back in, this time with nothing to numb it.
I can really empathize with your DP and I’m glad more ppl are realizing what happened to them WASNT ok and never will be. The first step in breaking the cycle

@randombot I'm being objective, you're being subjective. Which one do you think is sensible?

@LondonLassInTheCountry thank you for posting, and you have given me a lot to think about. I will try and sleep on it tonight and read your post again tomorrow. I don't want to suggest anything until I have taken time to explore the options and support him completely

IGNORE IT and please hit the report button. Then carry on ignoring it.

Best of luck, OP.

I have reported and decided not to engage anymore

Thank you all, will try and get some sleep now and reread most posts tomorrow

Unfortunately I don't think the bar of soap was that unusual along with physical discipline, both at home and at school. Corporal punishment was only banned in uk schools in 1986. What we refer to now as emotional or verbal abuse was a telling off in the eyes of many parents back then.

It's still perfectly legal now to smack your child as long as you don't injure them. I'm not excusing this at all, I've had a similar experience and I do understand. I really do think how a person perceives this treatment in their childhood comes down to the intention. I think my parents and teachers attempted to discipline me rather than taking pleasure in abusing me.

I think while he's entitled to be upset and question it, it's important to remember this was a long time ago (socially) and things were very different. You could rape your wife.You didn't have to wear a seat belt. Domestic violence was no big deal and perceived the women's fault. Teenage pregnancy was a blight on the family. There were comedians on the telly telling awful racist jokes and making fun of disabled people. None of this is, or was right, but it just was that way for many people at that time.

Rogue
I agree. I have spoken to people, seen people on the tv, explaining that this type of punishment didn’t hurt them because they knew they were loved and safe and secure. They reconcile this by knowing their parents hit them because that was what you did back then and the punishment wasn’t vindictive or abusive - not then anyway.

I didn’t ever think my mother loved me and I think that’s where the difference lies. She got pleasure out of destroying me emotionally. God knows why my dad did it. He left a substantial bruise on my brother on more than one occasion. I got so hysterical once when I was going to be hit by him that he stopped. He had hold of my wrist so I couldn’t run away. My mother saw it as me manipulating him ffs. She even wacked me round the face when I was 17/18. She was having a go at me again - it made her feel better, I’m sure - about something and I think I called her a bitch..

I think the confusion here is that there a big difference between a smack and a beating. I think the OP is talking about beatings, which is horrible.

Literally can not believe my eyes. Being beaten up by your own mother is 'not that bad' purely by the reasoning that there is worse abuse that could happen? No, it's still bad.

Don't have children 20.

20 I sincerely hope you don't parent the way op's mil did. Not that bad?
It is a disgusting way to treat a child and safeguarding would quite rightly be all over it if it was happening today.

Op, I think it is a good thing your dh has opened up to you. I too would not really know which way to turn for help but I sincerely hope you do find a way to help him.

randombot

What matters is indeed how your DH felt growing up, how he feels now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left him feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find his sense of self-worth.

Another source of possible help and support here for your DH could be NAPAC and this is their website:-

napac.org.uk/

Soap in a child's mouth is abusive. There's just no excuse for that in the name of discipline.

Hi op my husband is in his 30s aswell and was beaten as a child by his father who also has a drink problem but is just a very aggressive man anyway. My husband's experience is sadly quite common at the time where he comes from. Lots of his cousins and friends experienced similar. He doesn't really talk about it and says he doesn't think about it I'm not sure how true that is. Him and siblings where all hit but I think emotionally it was hard for them as they used to sit at top of stairs listening to arguments, watch their mother get hit, the house get smashed up and leave the house in the night. I think for all his siblings it has effected them but they are a family who brush things under the carpet. I'm early 30s aswell and think it's awful honestly I would be so angry and upset with my parents. and as far as I know it didn't happen to any children I grew up with. Where we live you can self refer to talking therapies to have free counselling may be worth looking into. I would just be guided by your husband mine would not want to discuss in detail and for me to bring it up obviously yours may want to talk about it but I would just go with what he wants to do about it and if he wishes to discuss with his dad he should do that but had to be his decision. Good luck to you both and I hope he feels better soon

He should get talking therapy and counselling. My dh had the same for his mum and he didn’t have a father so she was very controlling and he knew no different. Washed his mouth out with soap, flushed his head in the loo, not sure about beating him with an implement but definitely smacked him (but I do think lots of us were smacked then). However I wouldn’t make issues of things that aren’t there. Does dh feel it has deeply affected him? Or is it more you worrying about it? I would class all of these as emotional abuse and bullying but dh doesn’t know any different and has managed to become a fairly well rounded adult and wonderful father. He still has a fairly close relationship with his mum, it’s just based on fear. I think she’s a psycho, he doesn’t so I can’t push him into feeling things he doesn’t. Just be mindful of this, don’t make it an issue in your relationship if he doesn’t want counselling etc.

I think the OP’s DH is only 30, so was born after corporal punishment was banned in schools. I am much older than 30, in fact I could be his Mum, age-wise, and it really wasn’t considered ‘normal ‘ to treat your child like that.

Obviously some, more than some, did. But by the time he was born there were longstanding campaigns against domestic violence, non consensual sex in marriage, hitting children and so on! Legislation happened because people had been protesting that behaviour for years! Not viewing it as normal or acceptable!

No one I knew as a child was hit with an implement, and as I say, I am a generation older.

Anyway, that is all by the by.

OP, your DH is probably experiencing a big upsurge about his reaction to many aspects of his childhood. Emotional Abuse included.

Just listening to him and letting him know that it was not his fault, that he couldn’t have done anything about it as a child, will help.

I have seen books recommended on here, too. Maybe have a look through the Stately Homes thread for book suggestions for him to read.

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag

What a load of crap you talk