DH has revealed abuse by his mother

[randombot]

I have name changed due to the sensitive nature.

I have spent ages trying to write this post as I am shocked by what has come out and I'm trying not to let my own feelings towards my MIL influence my opinion or advice.

My DH had a slightly difficult upbringing as his parents went through a very acrimonious split when he was very young.

We get on very well with my FIL but he can be quite distant. We cut of contact (not easily) with my MIL about 2 years ago. She kept asking for money and became very emotionally manipulative. It's a very long story but it came to a head with my DH deciding to cut off all contact with her.

Despite my own feelings towards her, I was willing to suck it up if it made my DH happy to rebuild a relationship with her . He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I gently suggested that perhaps it might help to resolve the situation with his mother. He refused and I accepted his decision.

We happened to be watching a podcast on YouTube today and the topic of discipline growing up was discussed. My DH told me how his mother would discipline him as a child, such as beating him with a bent wooden spatula which he buried in the garden so she couldn't find it, and literally washing his mouth out with soap if he said something she didn't like. There were other examples that were explained as accidents but now I don't know.

He is such an amazing man and it broke my heart when he asked if I experienced the same growing up, I think he expected me to agree but my parents never hurt me in any way.

What do I do? Do I suggest therapy of some kind? Should he tell his dad? I'm at a total loss right now and just want to support him but I don't know what is for the best

@Sunflowersforever you've just made me cry, but in a good way if that makes sense. Thank you

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag Pallisers has phrased it better than I ever could. I have no idea how you can excuse such behavior

@pallisers don't try to act like I said it was a good thing or even ok. Its ridiculously childish to try to twist my words.

@InionEile I do think counseling could well help him. I have no doubt that he would be a wonderful father, but I would like him see a counselor and hopefully be happy, no matter how long it takes

I'm a child of the seventies and even then the wooden spoon thing was falling out of favour, although it wasn't quite as frowned on as it would be now. I never heard of anyone of my age getting their mouth watched out with soap though. So yes this was abusive.

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag if you are looking for an argument then please back off now. I have had really helpful advice on this thread, but you seem determined to derail it. It really isn't helping

Inion is right about getting some therapy now. I was consumed with rage once my dd was 3 months old. I have lost precious time and memories when I should have been spending time bonding. Having since done a lot of therapy, I now know the emotional abuse started when I was a baby. I’m just now putting 2&2 together and assuming I was about 3 months when it started.

Sorry but unlike some posters here I really don't think that these types of abusive "disciplinary" tactics were common at all in the late 1980s and 1990s!

@Mummyoflittledragon I'm sorry for what you went through but thank you for sharing your experience. I really do think therapy would help him. I don't think much is available in the NHS but I will look into it tomorrow

Please ignore the minimiser / derailer.

@pallisers don't try to act like I said it was a good thing or even ok. Its ridiculously childish to try to twist my words.

I am not acting anything. I did not say you said it was ok or good. I responded only to your own words -own them.

You said it "wasn't that bad". I responded only to that. What the fuck IS that bad then - bad enough to be reasonably traumatised by? Do you have some yardstick you can share?

Tbh, OP, you may well have to look at paying for some counselling - but if you get the right person, it's worth every penny.

Thank you Lineys

Lineys money is a bit tight as DH has been signed off work with depression and anxiety but if it helps him then I'm sure I can work something out. His health and happiness is the most important thing.

Thank you all, I really am grateful for the kind words and advice

I was badly beaten as a child and it still affects me now and I'm early thirties too. I find it has affected me ten times more now that I have become a parent myself...

mountains out of molehills!

This is why it is still acceptable for adults to hit small children.

Also love that 20pounds is arrogant enough to think she determines how OP's husband how should react to his own life experiences.

@pallisers why are you so angry? If you misunderstood you misunderstood. No biggie. Just move on.

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag please back away. Clearly we don't agree so I don't know why you keep posting

I am not angry. I think you are wrong. I think if the OP listens to you she will be doing her dh a disservice.

I don't need to "move on" just because you think I should.

Why don't you move on???

OP, two shorter-term options could be a fast-track referral via GP given his existing, current diagnosis; or a work-place counselling scheme (larger employers like councils and health trusts run these).

Mother, I know exactly what you mean.

@randombot darling I've said nothing wrong or untruthful, and offered advice the same as others. Take it or leave it but listen for your OHs sake.

OP, I can also tell you that when he starts to heal, it'll feel good to him.

Apparently the GP can only advise us to self refer now, I was told that the waiting lists could be long but I will look into it properly in the morning