DH has revealed abuse by his mother

[randombot]

I have name changed due to the sensitive nature.

I have spent ages trying to write this post as I am shocked by what has come out and I'm trying not to let my own feelings towards my MIL influence my opinion or advice.

My DH had a slightly difficult upbringing as his parents went through a very acrimonious split when he was very young.

We get on very well with my FIL but he can be quite distant. We cut of contact (not easily) with my MIL about 2 years ago. She kept asking for money and became very emotionally manipulative. It's a very long story but it came to a head with my DH deciding to cut off all contact with her.

Despite my own feelings towards her, I was willing to suck it up if it made my DH happy to rebuild a relationship with her . He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I gently suggested that perhaps it might help to resolve the situation with his mother. He refused and I accepted his decision.

We happened to be watching a podcast on YouTube today and the topic of discipline growing up was discussed. My DH told me how his mother would discipline him as a child, such as beating him with a bent wooden spatula which he buried in the garden so she couldn't find it, and literally washing his mouth out with soap if he said something she didn't like. There were other examples that were explained as accidents but now I don't know.

He is such an amazing man and it broke my heart when he asked if I experienced the same growing up, I think he expected me to agree but my parents never hurt me in any way.

What do I do? Do I suggest therapy of some kind? Should he tell his dad? I'm at a total loss right now and just want to support him but I don't know what is for the best

I grew up in the seventies and yes lots of this is familiar. Being smacked very hard repeatedly, mouth washed out with soap, flour on your tongue to see if you were lying (if flour stayed dry you were basically) but my personal favourite was the hot pepper sauce under your tongue and mouth held shut.

I didn’t know anyone else as a child who had the same things done but it was a much more private society and you just didn’t talk about it.

It permanently damaged my relationship with my Mum and I’m very against physical punishment with my own kids as from personal experience it taught me nothing but how not to get caught.

I still don’t think I was abused though really. It was a different time and my Mum couldn’t cope with us, my Dad left all discipline to her and pretended not to know what happened. It was a transitional period I think between a much harder time and modern times when childhood is supposed to be so much more fun and lasts a lot longer rather than just be the bit before you grew up.

This sort of discipline was normal 40 years ago. Your DH is young for this to have happened though.

Headteachers used to beat pupils with canes etc.

user

I am wondering if you are actually minimising what happened to you because it is your way of coping with this. Minimisation is a coping mechanism to get through difficult times. You may still want to believe that your abuser still loves you or because the abuser him or herself minimises it. People who abuse are so good at power and control, they’re able to convince others that there’s nothing else for them. And then survivors might think to themselves ‘maybe this isn’t so bad.

But it was that bad.

I had my formative years in the 70s and what happened to you would have been seen as abusive by others if they knew. Abuse is about power and control. Your mother was the main instigator and your dad enabled her by looking the other way, he certainly failed to protect you from her violent behaviours. They both failed you abjectly as parents.

I'm older than OP's dh. Considerably older.

I was never beaten with a cane in school. It was NOT something that happened in schools at that point. By that point in history, it was something people talked about as happening in the Dark Ages of education.

It's true we had some way to go before children's rights were safeguarded but caning was seen as bizarre.

People's grasp on near-history is quite wrong - and damaging.

I think the advice to reassure him that he's safe with you is very good. As is the advice to let him be in charge of how to he wants to see this. However, that is incredibly tough for you - you're not a counsellor, etc., you're a partner. Ideally, him getting a professional to whom he can talk would be the best thing. And I completely agree with posters who say that this can become more of an issue - if left undealt with - as people become parents themselves.

And you do sound thoughtful (and trustworthy).

My formative years were in the 70s in Holland, and that kind of behaviour would definitely have been considered abusive under Dutch law at the time. Corporal punishment in schools was abused in Holland before WW2. So no, what happened to your DH was abusive, was not normal and should not be minimised by anyone. He deserves help and he has been wise to talk about it - clearly he is determined not to repeat the serious mistakes his mother made with his own children.

The problem with this type of thing is that peoples perceptions of it being normal or abuse are dependant on their own upbringing. In some cases it is more harmful for the 'victim' to realise it was abusive. DH is obviously starting to question his own upbringing however he needs to come to terms with and accept what happened in any way he can. Continue being supportive and maybe find him some research tools to let him make his own mind up, I have had dealings with napac and they were helpful. Screaming its abuse at someone who is minimising to protect themselves is not helpful or healthy for that person and I think that is what has happened in some posts on this thread.

I went through very similar to OP DH, soap and a slip on shoe rather than a wooden spatula.

But what was worse was the emotional abuse and manipulation that went with it. I was given a "choice" regarding what punishment I got (sometimes not for actual naughtiness just being forgetful/ mislaying things). The choice would be take the physical punishment, or you can't go out with your friends and if you don't go out with your friends they will KNOW it is because you are such a horrible child, and I believed it, so took the smacking and went through life believing that that is how people perceived me, and consequently had very few friends or romantic relationships for a very long time. I am now married and have a handful of amazing friends, but have to keep in check the thoughts that all my friends are judging me constantly (I know in reality they are too busy with their own lives for that, but it is hard to shake it off).

The emotional element is hard to put into words or explain to anyone who hasn't been there, and that is why I think some PP are able to trivialise what OP DH has been through, as they have little or no understanding of it.

When I finally started talking about it, the best thing friends said to me in support, was that what happened to me wasn't right. Whilst that probably sounds too simple it just put it into perspective, and helped me massively. I also had counselling, as I had ended with depression after finally having a relationship and him turning out to be emotionally abusive (what are the chances?!), which help sort out the more complex problems, but just knowing from friends that what I had experienced was not normal or okay made a huge difference.

I’m 37, we still had corporal punishment at my private infant school (slipper and cane).

Irrelevant to OPs situation though, your DH has started opening up about this as you are thinking about having your own children which is understandable. He might decide he would like to talk it through with a counsellor?

Firstly I want to say what a wonderful relationship you both clearly have with each other for your Dh to of opened up to you on something that has clearly affected him for so long, and to keep those emotions in must of been a daily struggle.

I do think that maybe you should put too him about possible counselling as this will maybe help him to understand that what he went through was not caused by anything he had done, and then and only then can he perhaps move on and continue the rest of his life with the love and support that he clearly gets from you.

Thank goodness others have tried to make op think rationally and not blow it way out of proportion. Please listen op

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag I am trying to think rationally hence the reason I have posted to ask for opinions and I have taken all opinions on board. I don't understand why you appear so determined to defend my MIL's actions.

And just to confirm, I am not blowing anything out of proportion. I haven't told my DH what my opinion is, I'm am just here if he wants to talk. You may not think she abused him but he does and I'm not going to ignore his feelings

You seem rather over invested in accusing me of not being rational and blowing the situation out of proportion And please don't continue to be so patronising, it really is unnecessary m.

I have received excellent advice from everyone on this thread apart from you so please step away from this thread if you are going to continue to derail it. I notice that MNHQ have deleted a number of your posts on this thread already

To everyone else who posted on here last night, thank you for all the advice and and links

20Pounds nothing objective about what you are saying - it is nothing but your opinion. One that has been refuted by many posters on this thread who are of an age with OP's DH as well. You just seem to take pleasure in being an apologist for abuse.

I don't understand why MNHQ are allowing this goady crap to continue on the Relationships board.

I was abused as a child by my mother. I am on my 3rd period of NC with her and have been for about 6 years this time. She will never change and I’ve given her enough chances.

It wasn’t until I had kids that it really hit me just how cruel and evil she was and all I could think when I looked at my kids (and still do) is that how could anyone do and say those things to a child who was scared and defenceless. Even my friend who is a social worker was shocked when I told her some of the stuff that happened
The best thing to do is to be led by your husband and let him process it at his own pace.

This struck a chord... My mother, who we have been NC with for years now also used to hit me, with a spoon, cane, across my legs, arms and head. On the last occasion I was 15 years old and all I remember was simply not being subservient enough for her. I grabbed the cane from across the table, snapped it and threw it away from us.

Sometimes it takes a long time to realise our parents behaviour wasn't acceptable because we were children at the time and now you're considering your own children you realise for yourself. All the best. It sounds like you'll help him through this

@BrieAndChilli I'm sorry that you had to experience that. It breaks my heart to think that a parent could treat a child like that. My gut instinct is not to push him into discussing it, but be here for him when he needs it and be aware of any therapy that might help him if he chooses to go down that route.

He is quite a sensitive soul but not a big talker when it comes to his emotions so I don't want to put any pressure on him

I do hope so @Treacletoots, I really am trying to do what's best

@20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag no you haven't! Everyone else has given me reasoned and helpful responses, you just keep trying to goad people on when it clearly isn't helping the situation. And yes, your early messages on this thread have been deleted for breaking talk guidelines.

I quite frankly find it disrespectful to all the posters who are taking the time to offer their honest advice.

I vividly remember watching our teacher washing out a boy's mouth with soap at primary school for using the f word - must have been 1976/1977ish. The toilets door was open so we could see the sink from the classroom. We were all completely but our parents didn't seem to think it was particularly terrible (and my parents didn't use corporal punishment). And the teacher wasn't disciplined as far as I know .
Thank God the world has changed - and hope your DH can find his way through this. As pps have said it is great that he trusted you enough to open up.

Keep reporting the goady fuckers. It's what MNHQ ask us to do.