DH has revealed abuse by his mother

[randombot]

I have name changed due to the sensitive nature.

I have spent ages trying to write this post as I am shocked by what has come out and I'm trying not to let my own feelings towards my MIL influence my opinion or advice.

My DH had a slightly difficult upbringing as his parents went through a very acrimonious split when he was very young.

We get on very well with my FIL but he can be quite distant. We cut of contact (not easily) with my MIL about 2 years ago. She kept asking for money and became very emotionally manipulative. It's a very long story but it came to a head with my DH deciding to cut off all contact with her.

Despite my own feelings towards her, I was willing to suck it up if it made my DH happy to rebuild a relationship with her . He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I gently suggested that perhaps it might help to resolve the situation with his mother. He refused and I accepted his decision.

We happened to be watching a podcast on YouTube today and the topic of discipline growing up was discussed. My DH told me how his mother would discipline him as a child, such as beating him with a bent wooden spatula which he buried in the garden so she couldn't find it, and literally washing his mouth out with soap if he said something she didn't like. There were other examples that were explained as accidents but now I don't know.

He is such an amazing man and it broke my heart when he asked if I experienced the same growing up, I think he expected me to agree but my parents never hurt me in any way.

What do I do? Do I suggest therapy of some kind? Should he tell his dad? I'm at a total loss right now and just want to support him but I don't know what is for the best

I was at school in the seventies. The cane was used and kids were beaten in my school. My father also had an implement in the kitchen he would threaten us with. He also hit me. This wasn’t normal behaviour, but it happened.
Your OH needs counselling as others have said. It’s virtually impossible to get on the NHS unfortunately.

Im so sorry for what your husband went through. My mother has NPD and she was physically and mentally abusive to all 5 of us but more so with my eldest brothers who are not her children. She was an evil bitch and im now late 30s and only really beginning to get through the issues she caused us all.

Talking about it helps and if he gets help from gp they my refer him for therapy. Books about CBT therapy exercises you can do at home might help too

@Unicorn81 CBT books may help at the start. I do think that therapy would be beneficial but my DH can be stubborn and I think he needs to make that decision for himself, I can't push him as I suspect he will clam up and he needs to trust me as I don't think he trusts many people right now. His self esteem is at an all time low

If anyone can suggest any useful books, thank you

I was at school in the 70's/80's and there was no cane or beatings or rulers or things thrown at you, it was considered wrong then. It was not normal. To be treated like that was not normal - she has major emotional issues and was taking them out on a child. It was abuse and needs to be treated as such.

He does need help if you are able to fund it yourselves that may be the way to go.

Randombot - I am sorry for what your DH went through/still is going through. It is abuse, and he 100% is entitled to feel that way.

I sought therapy for some childhood issues a few years ago and found it extremely helpful, especially with the support I had from my DH. It sounds like your DH is now in very good hands.

If cost is an issue, I used a trainee counsellor who was close to completing their training. It cost £7.50 a session but could be negotiated if money was tight. Contact local counsellors/charities/colleges to see if there is anyone they can recommend.

It was important to me to get this support and closure before starting a family of my own. As PP have mentioned it was about breaking the cycle.

I wish you and DH all the luck and happiness you deserve.

I did pay for a private appointment when he was first suffering from depression and anxiety and had a long wait to see our GP. The doctor we saw was wonderful so I will see if the clinic offers a counseling service. If they do we will make it work somehow

DH mentioned before going to bed that he thinks some form of therapy might help him work through his feelings and he has been looking up local services, so that is a positive step in my mind.

I wish I could tell her what I think of her but I know it will make it worse and isn't in DH's best interest so I will keep my mouth shut. She seems to feed on drama and I don't want to give her the satisfaction

I was abused as a child and have been in and out of therapy. My first time in therapy was before I had children. I wanted to break the cycle, and go into marriage and parenthood in a different place than my childhood left me (which is where you DH is right now).

I've returned to counseling a few times. When my children reached the ages when significant things happened to me, it brought more up for me, and I returned to counseling. I've also struggled with depression, and dealt with that in counseling as well.

I did break the cycle. I've been a good mother. Parenting my DDs in a gentle way and giving them unconditional love was very healing. I didn't have those experiences from the child side, but I've had them from the parent side. In spite of the horrors of my childhood, my DDs are now young adults and were never abused. They are emotionally whole (and truly lovely).

It really is possible to parent completely differently from the way you were parented, with help and support. I would encourage your DH to go into parenthood with open eyes, knowing that it will both bring more things up for him, and also give him a chance to be a wonderful, functionally family. He may need more counseling or books or parenting classes as things go along, but that's OK.

Peace

According to the Internet corporal punishment in state and some private schools (those receiving at least some government funding) wasn't banned in England and Wales until 1986. It was banned in other private schools in 1998, in Scotland in 2000 and in NI in 2003.
That's more recently than many think! Obviously the practice varied from school to school and many were discontinuing the practice earlier than these dates.

2000 and 2003?!? That’s ridiculous! To be honest, I find it abhorrent that smacking of any form is still allowed.

My mum had a similar experience to your dh op. When my reaction to her telling me was to say 'thats abuse' she burst into tears of relief and then so much more emotional abuse was revealed. She got counselling offered through her work, i know a few government jobs have that offer.

I think back in the day is not helpful at all, the poster who suggested focusing on the impact of your dh is spot on. My mums friend was repeatedly raped during marriage 'back in the legal day'. It hasnt made it not rape just because it was acceptable and legal. Though certainly some people minimised there too with one friend saying that it was like that back then and that she should have laid back and done her duty.

Sadly, the abuse your husband suffered isn't uncommon or unusual. I experienced similar but I didn't ever have my "mouth washed out with soap and water" although my brother did. Instead, My mum used to lift me up, pull my pants down and smack my bare bum in front of the living room window for the neighbours to see what a hateful child I was. I know it was deliberately so the neighbours could see because we had net curtains and my mother used to lift it up and over her head "so that the neighbours can see what a horrible child you are". There were so many more things. I started to type some of it out, but it isn't my thread so...

It has had a huge impact on me in adulthood. I'm early 40s now and I'm only just really seeing how so many of the choices I have freely made; things I have accepted; beliefs I have about myself; my worth and my abilities comes from this. My job doesn't reflect my academic abilities (have a first class degree and professional qualifications but only work in temporary work - I can't stay somewhere long term, I constantly fear that my colleagues/employer will see 'the real me' if they get to know me too well); my relationships are short lived failures and always have a degree of co-dependence - I've never had a romantic relationship with someone who wasn't themselves dysfunctional (I wouldn't inflict myself on someone I could 'damage'); I find friendships difficult because I don't trust people and I can't let them get too close either. If I could turn around and walk away out of my life and never come back, I would.

It will have had a huge impact on your husband. Possibly even more so than he realises. I would strongly recommend that he seeks therapy specifically for this rather than to deal with any 'side effects' of it.

for him.

JustTheWayThingsWereBackThen

Just reading your post made my blood run cold. I was actually filled with such rage towards your mum.

I want so badly to give you a hug and tell you how amazing you are!

JustTheWay
That’s really sad you still feel that way about yourself. I’m similar age to you and am having ongoing therapy now, which has made me see myself so very differently. I understand totally about the fear of someone knowing the real you and blaming yourself for everything. I am chronically ill and unable to work. But before this, I, too, found employment in jobs massively below my ability - apart from one job. And my family persuaded me to give that up. I married my dh because I thought no one else would have me or love me. It was a good move on my part in the end even though the relationship was very difficult at times often due to my self esteem issues.

@JustTheWayThingsWereBackThen

I'm so sorry for what you went through. It's interesting what you said about work though. DH is very intelligent but has never been able to stick at education or jobs. I have always felt that he could do so much more if he wanted to but he has said that he never felt supported or guided by his parents, but perhaps there is more to it. It's almost like as soon as he begins to settle in a job he decides to leave to try something different. Surely a mother should want to do anything to support their child.

I am going to look into therapy options this weekend and then see how he feels

random a book recommendation for you, but I don't think you should let your husband see it (yet)

The Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk

It's a hard read at some points - it goes into some biology - and an easier read at others, but it's by far the most humane book written by an academic that I've come across. It's also a chapter called Pathways to Recovery.

There's a lot in it, and your husband is right at the beginning of coming to terms with stuff, but I think it might help you. When you said that he couldn't stick with jobs or education it seemed to click with some of what's in the book.

@SeaEagleFeather thank you for the recommendation. I don't want to control him at all, but I want to understand how he might be feeling before I talk to him, so perhaps if I read more about the subject I might be able to support him. I just don't know, but it's worth a try

I've been looking up local counseling options but feel rather overwhelmed as there are so many options and I want to pick a reputable service. Is there some kind of register of NHS or Private therapists/psychologists?

Be wary that you don’t end up anxiously taking over! It is important he takes it at his pace. Therapy won’t be likely to help if he is not ready for it.

BACP could help.

That's exactly what I am consciously trying not to do @Offred. I want to support him and perhaps guide him in the right direction, but only if it is what he wants to do. I really don't think he is ready yet, he has shut himself off from everyone apart from me.

I want to help but I don't know how so I'm trying to give him time to work it out himself but I am reminding him that I love him very much and I am always there for him. I hope that is enough for now. He told me yesterday that he feels like he has let everyone down

I think that is exactly right for now actually. Just keep an eye on him and give him some TLC.

Thanks @Offred, I really appreciate any advice

You sound wonderfully caring and nurturing. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with the posters minimising your husband’s experience and feelings.

Our experiences are unique to us and it is not for anyone else to tell us they are not that bad. Those experiences are not felt by us relative to those of others. Yes, it was abuse. Of course it was. It is nothing but abuse. It is not for others to tell us how to feel or if our feelings are not valid. That’s just heaping more emotional abuse on top.

A book you may both find useful is Alice Miller’s The Drama of Being a Child. It’s a very good book though your DH may want to turn away from it.

Thank you @Deux

I'm really not that great, DH has always been the strong one and has supported me massively but I'm doing my best to step up and support him now. I just want to get it right as he is a really wonderful person and has been let down a lot in his life

He asked me out of the blue tonight why I think he is feeling like this. I tried not to force my opinion and stay neutral. It was so hard though but he has said that he is wondering about therapy.

I'm really struggling to stay strong for him right now and would love nothing more than to confront his mother. You are all keeping me sane though and it is a good place to rant

Pete Walker has a great website on complex PTSD, and his book is really helpful too. Goes further than Alice Miller and the male perspective may make it more accessible for your DH. I found it fantastically helpful, even after years of therapy, to see in black and white such clear descriptions and understanding of what I'd been through. Body keeps the score is good too, but I'd start with Pete. While I completely understand your desire to confront, you would be giving his mum exactly what she wants. Accept your own feelings and acknowledge them and you'll show your DH that it's possible to react from somewhere other than fight or flight, which is where he's stuck at present.