The straw that broke the camel's back?

[smileygrapefruit]

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

Op: when he doesn't come home and you start panicking, what are you panicking about? Is it that he might be hurt? that he is enjoying himself without you? or he could be with another woman? I think thats your key to trying to solve your anxiety. What really is the root cause?

Do you have trust issues?

If my partner did that 4 times a year, it wouldn't worry me that much. Although he could solve things by letting you know he is ok, and a quick text to say he is having a good time and will be late?

I think you need more professional help OP. I say that as someone with anxiety myself. Do you see a counsellor or would you? Are you on medication now? You may have come a long way, and that’s certainly a big achievement, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that what you are doing now is ok, even if by comparison it’s a small thing.

Are you ok Offred?

Pudding, that is all I'm asking him to do!! I don't know exactly what I'm worried about, I don't think he's cheating or anything. On Monday night some of the thoughts that went through my head were: he's too drunk to get home, he's hurt himself, he's been arrested.

You are not asking him to do it though are you....

What you are doing is saying you are considering leaving him because his phone died and he didn’t do it.

It hasn’t helped you anxiety to ask him to do it either, him agreeing to it has just made you feel you are entitled to allow your anxiety to control his social life.

OP, call a spade a spade - you're insecurities are controlling your DH's life. I used to be like you. I'm not anymore. It's freeing to let it go and trust that your man can be away from you without you fearing if you let him into society proper he will leave you. He could do that at any time anyway, as could you. I don't think he should have to tell you anything if its four times a year. You're being frankly awful and ridiculous to threaten divorce. Your fears will break your relationship not him.

I am not fearing him leaving me if he goes out. Where the fuck did you get that from?

I don't know why so many on here are giving the op such a hard time.

The facts are that her husband was due home around 11 to 12am, but instead didn't turn up til 3am! During that time she was unable to contact him. Wouldn't ANYONE be worried under those circumstances. I know I certainly would.

Also the husband admitted he finds it hard to stop drinking when he's out with friends, and thinks he needs help. Another big cause for concern for the op, never mind the fact that she already suffers from anxiety.

Smiley, does your husband drink at home?

Your anxiety is your issue, and its wrong for you to use it to try to control him. I don't think you can see that though. If he was posting then there'd be pages of ltb advice.

Thanks Susannah, I know have issues but I find it hard to believe that the majority of posters wouldn't be worried too, anxiety or not. He drinks at home occasionally, a couple of beers or a whiskey two or three times a week, definitely no problem there.

Offred are you projecting some kind of issue you have onto this post because your response to your own posts are slightly aggressive.

@smileygrapefruit if you and your partner had agreed before hand he would do certain things to help with your anxiety like check in, that sounds like a good relationship to me. People talk in relationships, it's not controlling to think in a relationship you help each other out. You are not controlling, you both had a bad night and you came on here for advice because I expect at the time you felt like complete and utter shit. Anxiety sucks! Ignore the negative posts

So true @SusannahL I do think sometimes people come on here to just bring others down. Some of the posts I've read on here are vile.

You mentioned that this happens 4 times a year OP. Is that a natural occurrence or is that the only times he is allowed out? My DH goes out once or twice a week, and it never even enters my head where he is, what is he doing, is he safe? I love having the house to myself, the TV remote and the dog on my lap. I don't ever worry about him, he's an adult and sensible enough to look after himself. You'll send yourself mad and him if you don't sort your issues out, and I mean that kindly. You are humiliating him by making him let you know when where and what he's doing...let alone a time home. I don't even ask my teenagers that anymore.

Nope, it’s just pretty shameful when people who are abusive and controlling towards their partners come on here seeking to get further justification for their behaviour and then get all righteously indignant when they are told they are the problem.

But, I don’t know the OP’s husband so there is little else I can do that say my piece on this thread.

I do hope he gets out of this relationship at some point though as it seems the OP feels it is him letting her down that is the issue not that her expectations of him are unreasonable and controlling.

Jane it's probably 4-6 times a year (every 2-3 months) but that's nothing to do with me. Between us we work 7 nights a week so for either of us to go out it means a babysitter or booking the night off. Not something we can afford to do weekly or monthly!

Offred, if you're not projecting here then I'll just come to the conclusion that you're not a very nice person.

My university boyfriend who was my first love got very into drugs and started not wanting to see me because he was always on a come down.

I finally asked to spend time together, during which he told me "I whitter on about crap". I realised he didn't care about me any more and that was that.

I agree with Offred so maybe I'm not very nice either

Shox, do you hope my husband leaves me?

I agree with Offred sorry. You just sound very controlling and dramatic.
You come across as not coping very well with your anxiety and most of the posters have suggested you seek help/ counselling for that.
It’s not being mean it’s just calling your behaviour out for what it is

In which case, about 85% of the people on this thread are not very nice people, because 85% think the idea of ending a marriage over this is an extreme over-reaction and that the OP needs much more work on her anxiety and her DH is not the one with a problem here (other than being made to feel so shit about it he bursts into tears)

No but I hope you get some help for your anxiety and stop using it to control him

If I were him then I would leave you but luckily I'm not and he's obviously more inclined to put up with this shit than I would be.

My DH goes out maybe 4-6 times a year. We have a child and I'm pregnant with No2. All I ask is

1. If I call you it's an emergency. Please answer it.
2. Let me know if you're not coming home
3. Don't call me at 2am asking me if I want pizza too. Coz I don't. I'm asleep and enjoying having the bed to myself

You need to get a hold of your anxiety.

OP - I've re-read all your posts in this thread and I genuinely don't think you realise or will even consider that your behaviour is controlling and unreasonable.

I have to say, I agree with pps - you appear to be looking for justification for your actions and beliefs

I think you have your husband exactly where you want him - he's even apologising to you.

I also agree with Offred - the use of anxiety as a justification for such behaviour is the issue here.

We've all seen first hand examples of people controlling their OHs and I'm sure we will continue to do so. Its always horrible to see. My advice to all those on the receiving end has always been to take control of their own futures. I suppose it's your husbands decision to put up with it. No one else can help him, he has to help himself.

Think about your children and the example it sets them when they see this behaviour - yes they will see it. They will end up either giving out or receiving the same treatment in the future. Not a nice thought.

I used to believe dh would be back when he said and get anxious/cross when he didn’t. Why lie?
I stopped after about the third time as it was obvious he was just plucking an answer to ‘when will you be back’ out of the air, or maybe he even thought it would be the time he said for a bit until he’d drink more and time ran away with him.
It’s your own expectations making you anxious; let it go! The next step on from not giving him the nth degree before he goes out is not to even ask when he’ll be back. After all the man goes the work everyday away from you. He’s not lying when he says a time, he’s just pissed and doesn’t actually know.