The straw that broke the camel's back?

[smileygrapefruit]

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

When he acted like a drunken dick was that the time where he deliberately drank more after you threatened him with divorce or was it the beginning of your anxiety about him going out?

He always gets too drunk Offred.

If he is going out drinking though surely it’s not safe for him to be on night duty re the DC no matter what time he comes home?

Always?

I though you said there are plenty of times he doesn’t and that it is just the big nights out he goes on 4 times a year (and even then you said re this time ‘He wasn't even very drunk last night. Just very late.’)

I have to say I’m in two minds abiutbtelling anyone with anxiety that her oartner shouldn’t lander to their needs and they just need to be ou,King themselves together and solve their issue.

Anxiety is a MH Issue. It’s an illness like a Lot of other illness. Woud it be ok to say to someone who has back problems and is struggling to walk to just pull themsleves together and stop asking to park close to the shop? Or to ask someone with ME to stop moaning about being tired and just do something about it?
Because clearly no partner should pander to their issues??

I think that ringing or sending a text would simply have been kind and compassionate. Kindness is essential in a relationship and her DH said (quite rightly) he would do so.
I really don’t think that not sending said text is a LTB territory. Except if that’s actually a sign of something bigger.

Fwiw, H did that to me some years ago. It wasn’t a LTB territory but I found it extremely hurtful (fwiw in my case anxiety was due to medication I was taking for a health problem so I couldn’t sort the issue out no more than I could just stop it). But it was actually a sign of things to come where his unkind actions became more and more obvious with time...

If you are generally living on no sleep then have you considered that actually this may be a massive contributing factor in why you are so anxious?

Is there a health related reason why the older two are still waking at night?

No, that's my whole point...His getting too drunk has caused me to act like this! I've always struggled with anxiety and depression but this is my absolute worst trigger now.

No, I wouldn't have expected him to get up in the night but I would have expected him to get up in the morning so I could get an hour or two sleep. I've gone out, got a bit pissed, come home at a reasonable time so that I could be a responsible parent the next day. It's not rocket science.

I meant always as in these 4-6 times a year. He often has a beer after work and let's me know that's what he's doing and it's fine. I was defending him in that post you've quoted because someone had mentioned him pissing the bed etc. Tbh I didn't know how drunk he was because I didn't talk to him, he just staggered in and started snoring.

I’m not saying that at all. Pandering is not the same as supporting. I’m not saying either that the OP should ‘pull herself together’, just take responsibility for her issue.

In your example the equivalent would be someone with a back problem doing things that aggravate it, not taking appropriate meds/having appropriate treatment for it and expecting their partner to just put up with caring for them.

Notready, thanks, I obviously agree. Marriage is about caring about each other's well being and a bit of compromise.

I have had counselling and I'm booked back in at the docs for meds. I'm not ignoring my problem.

No, it’s not rocket science but he is also different from you. Do you see that ‘you can’t go out without a curfew/monitoring’ obscures your point about not finding his suggestion of a trade off (him sleeping in that day against what was planned and instead doing a full week) acceptable.

So your anxiety does not come from the time he was a drunk dick but it is triggered by it since that time?

Prior to that time were you completely fine for him to go out without any restrictions, reporting or curfew?

Yep but the issue is, is the person doing whatever is aggravating their back problem doing so because they feel they have no choice?

So, if someone is very anxious and depressed and is alao living in very little sleep because they have no choice (eg the father is refusing to get up ‘because he has to go to work’ or ‘he has gone out last night so can’t be bothered to get up in the am’) is that making things worse because you dint look after yourself or because you have no choice?

My point was that kindness goes a long way in a situation like this.
And y experience has taught me that when someone can’t be bothered to do the kind thing of sending a text, they are unlikely to do kind things again on a lot of other subjects. This seems to be the case for the OP :(

He is being rude, and its reasonable for you to be annoyed,but your level of anxiety is a separate problem which you need to tackle for your own good.

There will be times when your DCs are older when they are later than they said, and forget to tell you, older kids and teenagers slip up, but you can't be feeling so bad, as if its unforgiveable and you can't continue to deal with them when they do it.

That trade off was last year? Two children, no baby. Not possible now. I've had diagnosed depression since late teens, I sometimes felt anxious too but that was not diagnosed. The anxiety was diagnosed last year during counselling. It is a bit of a chicken and egg question but yes, until he acted like a dick I still felt anxious until he was home but never bugged him or gave curfews etc.

Kindness cuts both ways though.

He is not affecting the OP’s sleep. It is 4 times a year when he doesn’t get up on his day (probably not always his day either) and he offered a trade of getting up for a full week. And they both start work later in the day than other people do.

I don’t think it is as simple as ‘CBA to do the kind thing’ as much as it is that the demands are creating a situation where he avoids texting/calling and sometimes there is a genuine reason such as his phone died.

What is stopping you from saying ‘Ok, if you get up late on your day then you’ve gotta pay that favour back’

Has bugging him/giving him curfews resulted in positive change?

NotReady, thanks for giving a different perspective. It's not that he is doing it on purpose, it's a drink problem! Yes, it's only a few times a year but it's still a problem and he's admitted that. I must say he is the most caring, hard working, loving and supportive man the rest of the time.

@smileygrapefruit I feel for you I really do. I was married to a man who was a nasty drunk and I dreaded him coming home from a night out as there were always consequences. I ended up divorcing him ( not just because of this- he was out every weekend and was in general a massive wanker) HOWEVER it has left me
With MASSIVE anxiety. Fast forward 10
Years later and I'm with a lovely
Guy who goes out every few months - and every time it triggers off the same emotions my ex husband did. I realise I have a problem, I don't expect him to check in with me or to message me when he's out ( I don't for him when I'm out) as I realise that would just be wrong and twattish. I focus
On dealing with my own emotions instead. I just ask him to let me know when he's on his way home, It's really hard tho. X

Offred, we don't have days each anymore, you are using information from a year ago. We both get up as there is lots to be done and our circumstances have changed since last year.

And yes I agree that it is a drink problem (no matter the cause and no matter the frequency) and that is his responsibility to sort out.

No, of course it didn't. Which is why I don't do that any More and between us we decided he would tell me a rough time and let me know if that was going to change massively. And up until Monday, yes, that had a positive effect for us both

Loverofcake, thank you, sorry you're struggling, it's not nice is it. Sounds like you have a nice understanding man now though.

So what is stopping you from saying ‘not getting up in the morning is a red line’ rather than giving him a curfew/wanting him to report in?

Him telling you what time he’ll be coming home surely has absolutely zero effect on whether he gets up in the morning or not.