The straw that broke the camel's back?

[smileygrapefruit]

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

So OP, what are you going to do about your problem?

Being rude and defensive to the majority of posters on here who can see that you are being abusive and controlling is... part of your controlling behaviour pattern.

I'm not being rude. I am upset at one post that said they hope my husband leaves me. Honestly, if it shouldn't bother me and I'm being completely OTT because it only happens 4 or so times a year then how am I some awful, controlling person by asking him to text me 4 or so times a year?!?! The other 360ish days a year everything is great and my husband would tell you that too, I am not controlling!! I have got anxiety and depression and I have had lots of help and I am an awful lot better than I was BUT I will talk to DH tonight about having a bit more counselling.

smiley But don't you appreciate that threatening (twice in two years) to leave someone over what would be a very minor or even non-issue for the vast majority of people when the other 360ish days a year everything is great ISN'T a normal reaction????

smiley But don't you appreciate that threatening (twice in two years) to leave someone over what would be a very minor or even non-issue for the vast majority of people when the other 360ish days a year everything is great ISN'T a normal reaction????

Smiley you seem utterly determined not to admit you’re overreacting about this. As you’ve said the other 360 days a year things are great so why are you dwelling on it? Why would you even consider divorce?
Honestly I’m posting out of concern for your mental health. To me your rationale and posts are utterly insane.

Because you asked how you’re controlling when asking someone to text just 4 times a year, to explain- the control part is the bit where you’re so worked up and angry by the non-compliance to this minor courtesy that you actually consider and threaten divorce. THe request isn’t particularly controlling (it’s unnecessary) but your choice of punishment is.

So me hoping that your husband will leave (because not only are you controlling you are angry at him for not perfectly pandering to your attempts to control) is bad but you repeatedly threatening to leave him because you feel he doesn’t manage your MH problems as perfectly as you demand is fine.... ok...

May I just point out to a few pp's, I have not threatened divorce or anything else to my husband. I have not voiced the thought.

For me the issue would be that you'd discussed it, he'd assured you he'd keep in contact knowing that you were anxious and then he'd done the opposite and rolled in a lot later than he said without letting you know.

Controlling or not it was unfair to set up the expectation that he would be home (or let you know) and then not do.

@smileygrapefruit my DP does this about twice a year. He goes out, turns his phone off and eventually leaves his friends to go and 'party' on his own. He generally comes back around 7am and we lose a whole day to him sleeping it off. This means a day on my own with DC and inevitably it is his only day off so I don't get to spent time with him and the kids as a family (a rarity in itself because of work patterns).

It irritates me no end. I worry so much that he gets drunk and goes off on his own, and not only that but he's uncontactable.

I wouldn't leave him, but maybe just do what I do and put up with it considering he is great the rest of the time and it isn't that often. Just assume he isn't going to be back before 3am.

I also have awful anxiety and this is a massive trigger for me. I am yet to find anything to relieve it, however have now gone on to medication which I expect will help.

Thank you Gardening... that is literally my only problem with what he's done!

Twotired, I'm sorry to hear you can relate to how I feel.

No it's not the only reason you've got a problem
You've made read very clear what you expect from him
Jesus. I agree with offred
You have literally NO idea how controlling you are.
Do you contact him in the day
Do you want to know when he gets home
If he's out do you say, have fun love. See oh when I see you.
Etc etc etc

YOU ARE CONTROLLING
and I don't give a fuck if that upsets you.
Get back to your poor hubby, who's so beaten down by you he fucking cries

Anyone who tries to control another person is controlling
End of. We all need to respect each other and he clearly does respect you. Occasionally he goes out.
Give the man a fucking break and sort your own mental health issues out

If you were a man everyone would be saying very loudly that you're a cunt

, I know have issues but I find it hard to believe that the majority of posters wouldn't be worried too, anxiety or not What about your DCs, when they are 18 and maybe leaving to go to another city miles away for university or just on a night out? A lot of posters here are in this position and also have OH's that go on nights out.

I remember your thread last year and I'll say the same thing I did then. If your husband said he'd be home at 3/4 am would that be ok or would you be angry with that? I feel like he's making promises to be home at 12 to appease you and then when he gets a sniff of freedom he doesn't want to come home early as quite rightly he's enjoying himself and he's an adult who only goes out 4 times a year!

Oh FFS not this OP again.

Here she is about a year ago threatening to leave her DH because he'd had a night out and hadn't reported back properly: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2857152-I-need-to-end-it-dont-I

An abuser never changes her spots.

She has driven a grown man to tears through her angry controlling behaviour and now seeks validation from MN.

I am with Offred. I hope her DH leaves and finds someone less abusive. It's the same advice I would give to anyone - male or female - in his shoes.

I would feel very suffocated by you if it was me, I value my independence a great deal. I wouldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't go and blow of steam without getting the third degree about what time I'm coming home.
If he text you at 11pm and said I don't know when I'll be home would that be okay? If so then why don't you just decide he can come home whenever and not pick a time?

Hmm. Thread after thread over years of people telling OP she is a controlling abuser. Thread after thread of denial and absolutely no comprehension by the OP that she is abusive and has serious issues.

This thread should be shown to all those that post here on Relationships thinking that they can 'change' their spouse by explaining things to them.

OMG now I feel massively sorry for the poor DH. Imagine living with that shit all the time. Anxiety my arse, that's control pure and simple.

Thank you Gertrude for posting that link. I've just read the whole thing and realise how far I have come because I was ashamed reading that. I haven't put on here how I reacted towards my husband after Monday night so none of you actually know but I did not react like the person a year ago would have.

Wow.

I honestly think OP, if it's only four times a year and your anxiety doesn't allow you to rationalise your lovely man having some time to himself without answering to you - then when he's due a night out, you should take yourself away for the night with the children if need be also. That way you will have no idea what time he gets back and therefore nothing to fret over. He can enjoy his night without guilt or worry and you can have some time out without getting het up over literally, nothing.

Op, I can’t understand why people are being so aggressive towards you. I understand your anxiety. I think your reaction has to be seen in the context of the history of your relationship and any pattern of behaviour shown by your DH. If he has a problem with controlling his intake of alcohol and has in the past come home insensible each time he goes out drinking then it is no wonder you are anxious. I don’t think it is controlling to ask one’s partner to come home when they say they will or to text to say they will be late. Isn’t it about having consideration for one’s DP especially when he or she is anxious? If all his promises go out of the window when he has had a few drinks and this is not a one-off then it sounds as if his relationship with alcohol isn’t a healthy one. My DH does this when he goes out and I feel sick as soon as the time at which he says he will be home passes. I know from experience that I may be called out by a member of the public to find him dry-fetching at the side of the road; that he may take it upon himself to drink-drive; that he may arrive home so ill that he is sick all over the sofa or pisses in the laundry basket. The next day the children will come downstairs to find him fully dressed asleep on the sofa and stinking of booze. He is then useless for the next 24 hours whilst he sleeps it off and I have to pick up his share of household tasks and childcare. So when he doesn’t come home when he said he would and his phone goes dead I become increasingly anxious. Is this because I am controlling? No, it’s because once more he has broken his promises and ruined our plans for the rest of the weekend.