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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel's back?

265 replies

smileygrapefruit · 16/01/2018 13:06

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

OP posts:

Winosaurus · 16/01/2018 15:03

smiley it’s because your feelings and reaction to the situation are completely unreasonable. It’s 4 times a year and you’re dwelling on it and causing it to be a bigger issue than necessary imo.
As you said he wasn’t really drunk, he’s a good husband. How about when he goes out and says “I’ll be home at 9pm” just think “oh yeah see you at midnight then”.
My DP is rubbish at time keeping and I know this, if he says 8 then it’s at least 8.30-9pm. It isn’t a big deal and he’s not doing it to be malicious towards me.
The issue really is yours. I can’t believe you’d genuinely consider ending a happy marriage over something al trivial.
At the risk of sounding harsh... get a grip

SendintheArdwolves · 16/01/2018 15:08

I feel like he's totally disregarded my feelings

He shouldn't be promising that it won't happen again - would you feel better if he said "I don't know when I'll be home. It depends on how the evening goes, so I'm not making any promises about when I'm coming home"?

TBH, if I was him, that's how I would respond - I am an adult how doesn't need to negotiate a curfew.

I can't help how I feel

But if you acknowledge that your feelings are irrational, then it is your responsibility to take steps to manage them, not expect your partner to change their behaviour because "that's just how I feel".

Shoxfordian · 16/01/2018 15:22

Ok so not constant updates but really having to say what time you'll be back is quite restricting

I've had so many nights out where you intend to leave early but stay for one more drink etc.

I understand the OP can't help her feelings but she can help making her partner feel he has to check in etc. In a way its better if he doesn't enable her anxiety.

ShatnersWig · 16/01/2018 15:24

Breaking up an otherwise great marriage or relationship over this would be frankly ridiculous.

DumbleDee · 16/01/2018 15:29

What are you doing to deal with your anxiety. Your well-being cannot be dependent on someone else. And I'm saying this as someone who has anxiety and is medicated for it.

Cricrichan · 16/01/2018 15:49

In this situation the problem is you, not him. Many people stay out later than intended once they're out and having a good time. Unless he needed to be back for a specific reason or there was another problem, the fact that he's late and having too much fun to check in,isn't a problem.

Maybe put an app on his phone so you can see where he is? Would that help? Would he mind that?

When someone took my kids out I felt physically sick I was that anxious. The first time they went on a school trip etc but I've gradually learnt to let go because I can't have them with me forever. You need to let go op. He's an adult and he shouldn't have to watch the click or check in on the odd time that he goes out

ferando81 · 16/01/2018 15:54

Your husband is nearly perfect.Do you think you will find Mr 100%perfect?Are you perfect?

SandyY2K · 16/01/2018 16:03

When I or DH go out...we don't tell the other what time we'll be home. We just come home when we do.

The fact that you can't sleep till he's home is your issue. Take some sleeping tablets to help you sleep.

Notadrill · 16/01/2018 16:13

You're seriously considering ending a happy marriage over this? YABU

timeisnotaline · 16/01/2018 16:16

I think this sounds more like something you need to work on than your dh I’m sorry op.

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2018 16:20

His error is promising it won't happen again. I've no idea why he does this unless he feels he needs to. And I guess he does feel that as you're on hear threatening to end your marriage over it.

He's an adult. As are you, take responsibility for your mental health issues and get them resolved. Do not treat your husband like an errant child who has to report to mummy.

GottadoitGottadoit · 16/01/2018 16:23

What is it that you fear has happened to him?

sofato5miles · 16/01/2018 16:25

You need to manage yourself. The fact that you are considering breaking a marriage up over this is, frankly, bonkers. And The splitvwpuld leave you alot more to worry about.

Albatross26 · 16/01/2018 16:47

smiley my dp does this and I get that it's annoying. He'll call me at 8 saying leaving now, see you in an hour etc. Two hours later radio silence. Three hours later ill get a text, sorry back in half hour. Wake up at 4am still not there and no word. It's a pain in the arse to be honest.
I've said to him a million times just say you don't know when you'll be back instead of telling me you're leaving every couple of hours when you're not! I couldn't care less when he rolls in I just wish he wouldn't lie about it. I guess just talk to your dh and ask him not to give you times he won't stick to. That way you can go to bed not expecting him

hellsbellsmelons · 16/01/2018 17:48

but surely I'm not asking a lot of him to help me in this way?
Well you are really.
So he can never go out and be late home?
That's just crazy.
He's a grown man and he should be able to have the odd night out without having to check in with you and be home at a certain time.
Please get some help with your anxiety.
What if he decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore and leaves for good?
What then?
You need to be grateful for what you have and realise it's unreasonable what you are expecting.
Then you can address it, together if necessary and find a solution.
But he cannot be expected to be home with you at bedtime every single night for the rest of his life!

Original poster

smileygrapefruit · 16/01/2018 18:21

I'm not expecting him home at bedtime...I'm expecting him to let me know if he's going to be hours later than he said. He said he'd be Home between 11 and 12 last night, he rocked up at 3.30am.
Anyway I got home tonight and he burst in to tears saying how sorry he is and that he has a problem with not being able to control his drinking when he goes out and he's going to look for help.

OP posts:

Winosaurus · 16/01/2018 18:49

He’s seeking help for drinking 4 times a year?
I’m sorry but if he posted saying “I only go out every few months but my DW insists I tell her what time I’ll be home. And now I feel guilty that I lose track of time, I must have a problem”
Sorry... sounds like your anxiety is making you controlling and you’re gaslighting him

Winosaurus · 16/01/2018 18:50

You’re projecting your issues onto him, no wonder he cried!
Honestly please take the advice of everyone here and seek help for your anxiety before you destroy your marriage

LukeCagesWife · 16/01/2018 19:43

Anyway I got home tonight and he burst in to tears saying how sorry he is and that he has a problem with not being able to control his drinking when he goes out and he's going to look for help.

That’s quite an extreme reaction for x4 nights out a year. What condition did he come home in?

Tears? What exactly is he sorry for? I’d be worried that something happened while he was drunk...

Winosaurus · 16/01/2018 20:09

Or luke she’s made him a fecking nervous wreck by hinting at divorce because he came later than he originally said. An extreme reaction due to her extreme attitude

Lndnmummy · 16/01/2018 20:22

I think you need to work on yourself. It sounds like you are making him anxious and unhappy. Him breaking down in tears over this suggests so. Does not sound healthy.

BeachysFlipFlops · 16/01/2018 20:34

Poor bugger, you've worried him sick.

You'll both get to the point when he can't go out at all, because he thinks he has a problem and can't control his timekeeping or his drink and is paranoid about being home late.

DontDIY · 16/01/2018 20:38

Now you’re making him anxious. You said yourself he wasn’t very drunk, but he feels he’s out of control because of your reaction. You might not feel or meant to be controlling, but it’s what’s happening.

You’re expecting him to help you with this, but what have you done to help yourself? Have you spoken to anyone professional?

BifsWif · 16/01/2018 20:40

I think some of the posts are unnecessarily harsh, anxiety is crippling.

I used to be the same, if DP wasn’t home when he said he would be I would be worried sick, imagining him lying dead somewhere. It was awful.

But it was my issue. I take medication for my anxiety and while not perfect, I am a lot better. We agree that he either doesn’t tell me a time or drops me a quick text if he’s going to be later than planned. It takes him 10 seconds and it reassures me that he’s ok. It’s not for everyone but it works for us.

LizzieSiddal · 16/01/2018 20:47

If he’s going our and can’t stop drinking when he wants to, he does have an alcohol problem!
Op I sympathise with you, because he is being an arse with you. A one off is ok, 4x a year is not on at all.

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