The straw that broke the camel's back?

[smileygrapefruit]

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

Or maybe he doesn’t want to, just feels he has to because OP is at home worrying?

You seem to be in a pickle OP but your husband sounds a keeper. Unfortunately when anxiety can take away rationale thinking. You can’t help it but you can help yourself by getting treatment. Also you husband dies need to consider your feelings.

Thank you for the supportive messages. He was upset because I have actually come a long way. I used to get moody and upset before he went out and make him tell me exactly where he was, who with, what time etc etc. I HAVE worked on it and we came to a mutual agreement that he would give me a rough idea of when he'd be home and let me know if that was going to change. He's upset because I have kept up my side of the bargain I.e. being cool with him going out, and he has messed up his side. He is upset because he knows how anxious and hurt I was last night when I couldn't contact him for 4 hours! He's upset because he has realised he can't control himself once he starts drinking I.e. can't stop. No he has not cheated or done anything else. Nobody is perfect. I have my issues and I have admitted that, finally he has admitted his. I'm not going to leave. We have talked all evening and I think we'll be ok. I may get some more help, for myself, but equally I still think it's the decent thing to do to let your partner know if you're not going to be Home until 3am!

Sadly I think you've twisted it until he feels so anxious that he ends up crying
If I go out I totally loose track of time. It's just the way I am. Lots of people are like that
If I had to remember to check my phone to make sure I was still within my time limits that my partner has made me feel so guilty about I set them, then that would be fucked up

Why doesn't he just tell you he doesn't know what time he's coming home?? I would imagine because you would get upset and say you're anxious and it would spiral??
Because if that's the case you're manipulating him into doing something he doesn't want to do through guilt and then when he fails you can say " this will be the straw that broke the camels back"
And then he'll give up going out at all, because of
FEAR & GUILT

you need to massively look at your behaviour and how it impacts him. Just saying I'm anxious he needs to follow the rules that make me feel less anxious is wrong, as others has said. He shouldn't have to modify his behaviour because of your issues. You should be trying to work on your issues so he can be himself.

And if he does this 4 times a year and now you've made him feel like he's got a problem then you really need to take a long hard look at yourself

I've just read your update.
If this was the other way round everyone would be telling your DH to LTB
because they're abusive, and no mental health problems excuse abusive behaviour

“still think it's the decent thing to do to let your partner know if you're not going to be Home until 3am!“

Of course it is the decent thing to do OP. I can’t believe so many people on here think it isn’t.

And actually it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You’re H made a promise and keeps breaks that promise. I do hope you’ve both turned a corner today and he gets help for his drinking.

Can you agree on a few nights out a year where it doesn’t matter what time he comes home? Because it’s really nice to go out every now and then without watching the clock or updating someone and it’s not too much to give a pretty good partner. I want my dh to tell me when hes coming home but sometimes it’s perfectly reasonable for him to just go out, and the same for me.

It's bloody fine for an adult not to have to tell another adult what time they'll be home. Or at least be able to say, without fear and guilt, I just don't know, I'm having a great time and I might go on somewhere or I might not. Sorry I can't be more specific. Because I'm a fucking grown up

I'm not married. I do have a girlfriend. i suffer from anxiety too.

I have asked her in the past to just drop me a message when she's home or if she's going out to let me know.

I dont want details as to where when and who with. But its mainly because I am a worrier. I always think the worst will happen.

She says it is controlling and that she doesn't need to telle her every movement. And despite me explaining why I ask it of her she doesn't seem to understand.

I somewhat agree that it is your issue to deal with and shouldn't expect your OH to have to do thinga because of your issue. But in an ideal world your OH would recognise why you are asking and do it because he wouldn't want you to worry.

Unfortunately its not an ideal world.

Try mindfullness or guides sleep meditations to relax and not over think

Seriously if a woman came on hear and said

My DH used to get moody and upset before i went out and wold make me tell me exactly where i was, who with, what time etc etc, he suffers from anxiety though and has really worked on it. So now we've agreed that if I promise to let him know roughly when I'll be back and if that will change then he won't get so moody and upset with me, problem is, a few times a year I just get a bit carried away with my friends and I probably drink too much, and on these occasions I've forgotten or my phones died and I didn't let him know. He's now threatening to leave me and saying I haven't upheld my side of the bargain. I feel so awful all I can do is cry.

I went to a seminar after work today, I told my boyfriend I'd be home about half 8 and I'm just on the tube now. I didn't text him all night and he didn't text me.

Your behaviour before about him going out was unreasonable and it still is in my opinion. You can't blame your controlling behaviour on anxiety

I tolerate "text me when you're home and where are you" from my Mum. Never from my boyfriend

OP, I'm your partner is this situation - luckily my DH is quite chill about the few nights out a year. I'm a bad timekeeper, and an eternal optimist - when I say I'll be home at X, his response is 'No, you won't. Don't worry about it - just have fun'

He now goes to bed at his normal time, I enjoy my night out without feeling guilty.

Lol. OP. Its not abusive to care about your OH wellbeing.

To be honest I would want my OH to message me because they knew that was at home thinking they have been kidnapped run over beaten killed etc...

A simple text saying: honey I'm well pissed up I'll be home a bit later than I expect having a well good time down here. Dont worry about me and dont u dare stay up waiting. I'll call if anything goes wrong.

Dont think that would hurt. Its not really asking a lot is it.

I just asked him to roll over because he was snoring. Is that abusive and controlling if me???

Of me*

Obviously not

Good that you checked though as you clearly don't always recognise controlling behaviour

Huntinginthedark Your response was unnecessarily harsh.

I doubt the op likes feeling this, and she isn't being unreasonable in wanting to know that her partner is safe.

That said, op... my dh did this on occasion. I adjusted my thinking around it. When he said he'd be home at closing time (when pubs didn't stay open all night) I KNEW wouldn't be, and would add a couple of hours to that time. This is because he would go to a club with mates, or back to someone's house.

This was pre mobile phone era, and we didn't have a phone so I would just have to see him when I saw him.

Making your anxiety worse over this, when you know what he can be like, it daft. I agree that you should get some help with this.

As a first starting point though, you know your dh is unreliable with his phone when drinking, so relax your own expectations around that!

You said he wasn't drunk? So why is he seeking help for a 4 times a year drinking problem.

Nice change of story when you didnt get the response you wanted. I do feel you're controlling.

I've been on the end of a controlling partner who blamed it on mental health issues which I know he suffered from.
It's taken a long time to realise that it was abusive and controlling
Because I always felt it was my fault that I couldn't get it right all the time, and I would mess up and then I would walk on egg shells and cry etc.
If you come on a forum then you must expect people to use their own experiences to respond to you.

Op the snoring thing is a stupid comparison.
Most people have said you sound controlling. It doesn't matter one jot the reasons for being controlling
It's the fact that you are being controlling

You didn't mention it in the OP because you know you are being controlling, you just wanted a load of strangers to tell you your DH was insensitive and you should threaten to leave him. Perhaps you could tell him that he constantly lets you down and how can he not just stick to one small simple agreement he's promised.
It's called setting someone up to fail.

He will stop going out on his own. Which probably suits you just fine. That way you can be in control.

Anyway. I don't care if you think I'm being harsh. Read back my role reversal and think on that

This is why I didn't post details originally, because people will call me a control freak etc but I can't help how I feel and I feel like he's totally disregarded my feelings.

You can't help how you feel but you expect him to help how you feel. I hate entitled shit like this. What exactly are YOU doing to help how you feel OP?

Do the decent thing (I see you like that word, 'decent') and take steps to sort out your issues.

I hope the two of you can work things out. Your anxiety is affected by his drinking, and his drinking is probably affected by your anxiety.

Do you think counseling would help the two of you to work together?

Has he ever spent the night away from you , eg for work ?

@smileygrapefruit I know how you feel truly! I used to feel like this a lot with my partner and also suffer from bad anxiety. However I really had to rationalise that going out every so often and letting your hair down is nothing compared to a man who does it every weekend. It's inconsiderate of him completely!! But at the same time if he's out having a good time let him, as hard as it may be. Give him expectations too like, make sure your phones fully charged. Be home no later than 4 because I'll worry. And I'm sure he will understand. Don't end a marriage over this though because honestly your anxiety will fuel the way your feeling and if he's s great husband and father it's not worth the heart ache. Don't let anxiety control your life xxxxx

@smileygrapefruit and if telling him to roll over because he's snoring is abusive, I'll need locking up, I regularly kick my partner for keeping me awake with his constant snoring 😂