The straw that broke the camel's back?

[smileygrapefruit]

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

My anxiety? His inability to censor his drinking? Chicken or egg?

I’m not sure how it can be true that the texting re time he is going to be back had resulted in positive change and it is just this one time (when his phone died) when he didn’t do it that is the problem AND that he always does it when he goes on these nights out.

Do you mean that things had got better after the texting thing and he has now had one lapse and this has thrown you back into feeling anxious?

And yes, it is a chicken and egg and a situation where these two things likely interact in a really negative way. You were anxious before you met him, he possibly lacked full control over his drinking before he met you.

It’s how these issues are improved that is important.

The last few times before this one he either came home by the time he'd said or let me know he was going to be a bit later. I think 2 out of 3 times he was still too drunk but not falling over/pissing the bed etc
I had managed my anxiety well with this set up and only started to start feeling anxious when the time passed that he said he'd be Home and his phone was disconnected.

Sorry if that is a bit muddled I'm getting a bit emotional writing all this as we had both improved and of course I don't want to throw my marriage away because of one Night!!

If it’s that this one lapse has thrown you back then I’d say the fact that he has straight away (independently) realised that he needs to do something about his binge drinking is very optimistic.

Maybe you need to focus on the positives - that he had done reasonably well with it for a good while and that this was one lapse (with a genuine reason)?

Yes, well I told him I was booked at the docs and his response was that I don't need medication, that he just needs to not drink like a fucking idiot (his words). I don't agree, I do need it for myself. But yes, neither of us are perfect.

I understand that, anxiety really does make you hyperfocus on the negatives and miss any positives.

You’ve also got some positives, you’re going to see the GP and you had been keeping a lid on the anxiety with this concession.

I’d say he needs to follow through on seeking help for his binge drinking and you need to wean yourself off being dependent on things he does to control your anxiety.

I’m not sure you need meds though either. It’s definitely something to think about and IME it actually helped me to reset some of the habits which perpetuated the anxiety but I also found that actually in some ways they can hinder you by covering up the root cause.

I also got into a different kind of negative spiral at one point where I had effectively banned myself from expressing any concerns in case they were unreasonable, which resulted in other different problems.

The fact he would go into work after a big night out is also a concern I think. I know there can be an unhealthy culture re alcohol in his profession but kitchens are dangerous places and the drinking culture hasn’t prevented people losing their jobs if they come in unfit because of drink.

Sorry Offred, had to deal with a child/vomit situation then baby was up then DH got home so we had tea etc. Just want to say thank you for taking the time to write on here so much, and for being a bit more understanding/kind last night. As you might have been able to tell I don't deal very well with feeling attacked so I guess I hadn't been able to calmly get my story across before last night.

I think some posters were a bit full on OP. You sound like you’ve got a good marriage. Don’t let that anxiety ruin your life. Get the help you need. Keep talking to your husband and work through your problems. (Like you are doing)

You’ve essentially made it his job to keep you happy and mentally well, to appease you and fix your anxiety, when it is totally not his job. You then reduce him to tears when he doesn’t jump through the hoops you set him with your abusive behaviour. Being controlling and then sullen and moody when things don’t go your way is classic abusive behaviour.

So many people have taken the time to explain that but you still keep making excuses. “It’s him doing that that triggers my anxiety”. You don’t get to punish someone because of your own poor mental health. You need a lot, lot more help.

So in answer to your opening post yes I think you should leave him. You’re abusive.

Thanks Tom, I will 😊

Wellfuckme, have you rtft? If so that's fine, you're entitled to your opinion.

Yes, I have. And your previous ones.