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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The straw that broke the camel's back?

265 replies

smileygrapefruit · 16/01/2018 13:06

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

OP posts:
DontDIY · 16/01/2018 23:48

Be home no later than 4 because I’ll worry.

He’s not a teenager and she’s not his mum.

How about he tells her “Don’t worry, because I’ll be home when I’m home”?

Kentnurse2015 · 16/01/2018 23:48

My husband goes out more regularly than that (but still only a few times a year). He’ll be home when he is home. He doesn’t stay out (unless pre-arranged at a hotel) but I don’t check up on him either.

I have a few nights out like that too!

Myheartbelongsto · 17/01/2018 00:09

If I were your partner I'd run for the hills and fast.

I don't think controlling behaviour can be changed. It's in your nature.

moonriverandme · 17/01/2018 00:20

I understand that not letting you know he will be later than expected contributes to your anxiety . Perhaps if you work out exactly what it is about not knowing that is at the root of the anxiety, it would help you to respond more calmly.
He isn't a child and you can't make him phone you, especially if he can't remember anyway when he's had a drink.
Do you imagine him dead in a ditch? So drunk he will be hung over and in bed all day? Get arrested? etc.or, that you feel it's rude and inconsiderate?
You can't change his behaviour but you can change your response to it.
Your solution to leave him seems out of proportion to the situation and has resulted in 2 anxious people
Are you having any support with your anxiety?

smileygrapefruit · 17/01/2018 07:49

The "he wasn't very drunk" comment was in a reply to a PP who had searched a previous thread of mine which described my DH coming home incoherent, pissing the bed and passing out on the bathroom floor....He wasn't as drunk as that.

OP posts:
Offred · 17/01/2018 07:54

I totally agree with hunting.

He's upset because I have kept up my side of the bargain I.e. being cool with him going out, and he has messed up his side.

He doesn’t have a ‘side’ though. This is your mental health issue, you seem to feel that you have no option but to let it control you and that you are entitled to have it control him.

I feel really sorry for your H and agree this is abusive behaviour from you and that’s why he cried, poor man.

I say this as a person who has had long standing anxiety.

What exactly have you done about managing your anxiety? Other than just allowing it to control you and him (which actually just reinforces that it is rational and makes it worse)....

Have you had CBT? Do you take meds?

Offred · 17/01/2018 08:01

And to clarify having anxiety in and of itself does not mean you are abusive. Anxiety limiting your own life and responses is not abusive (though it is miserable and you should at that point seek help to get it under control). Using your anxiety as an excuse to control and coerce your partner into living in a way that you want them to so that it restricts their autonomy and affects their happiness is what is abusive.

ThamesRiver · 17/01/2018 08:02

Myheartbelongsto "If I were your partner I'd run for the hills and fast"....... totally agree.

This is controlling behaviour, without question.

OP I don't think you recognise that and I think you've twisted this into your DH having an issue. HE DOESN'T. YOU DO

forumdonkey · 17/01/2018 08:04

I agree with pp that you sound controlling. I also wonder if he'd said that he'd be home for 12pm and he'd text to say that he would be later whether your reply would have wanted to know why, where was he what was his eta.

You were prepared to end your marriage over this. You've reduced your DH to tears with your threats and made him feel so bad just because he was later than he said on a night out. He was out enjoying himself. He's a grown man ffs, but you're treating him like a petulant child.

ShatnersWig · 17/01/2018 08:24

You posted an almost identical thread last February that you were done with DH for doing this, you were going to leave, you stressed your anxiety. Guess what?

You're still there. The overwhelming advice on that thread was that you needed serious help with your anxiety. Have you done anything about it?

In March you admitted on another thread that you were battling depression. Have you done anything about it?

In lost of your other threads it comes over pretty clearly that your DH - apart from these very occasional late night drinking sessions - is pretty bloody good. He works, you say, 12 hour days as a chef but still does all the cooking for you. Lots of other times you speak very highly of him.

You are, I seem to recall, fairly young, with two or three young children. Although you do state that at times you leave the 3 year old in the bath while you see to a younger one - I find that odd for someone who suffers with the anxiety you do about your husband coming home later than he said.

I think from all your threads you DH is a bloody good bloke, who works very hard so provide a good home for you and your children, who has to deal with a lot because of your extreme anxiety and every now and again he needs to let off some steam with his friends. I don't think that is unreasonable. I'm not surprised he burst into tears. You have brought him to that position.

So this is at least twice you have decided to end your marriage over a relatively minor matter. Are you going to go through with it this time? Or are you finally going to seek some serious treatment for your extreme anxiety?

Offred · 17/01/2018 08:30

I don’t think it’s how bad the anxiety is that is the issue TBH. Lots of people have really bad anxiety but don’t project it onto their partners or try to control them.

The issue is with the feeling that because you are anxious, you are entitled to control your partner. People with fairly minor anxiety can be like this and it can have a devastating effect on their partners.

So I think it is a mistake to imagine that the problem is that the anxiety itself is extreme. The problem is that the op is making her MH issue into his problem and trying to control his life by making him pander to it under threat of her pressing the nuclear button on their marriage.

TheNavigator · 17/01/2018 08:31

If it is deal breaker for you, then it is absolutely your entitlement to end your marriage over it, you don't need permission.
If I was your DH, I would walk over your behaviour, no one has to stay in a relationship that is making them unhappy and insecure.

Offred · 17/01/2018 08:34

Being angry about him coming home in a total state and pissing the bed because that’s disgusting = fine.

Being angry if he was doing that every week = fine.

Threatening repeatedly to end your marriage because he isn’t taking responsibility for managing your anxiety for you = really really not fine.

Offred · 17/01/2018 08:34

Being angry about him coming home in a total state and pissing the bed because that’s disgusting = fine.

Being angry if he was doing that every week = fine.

Threatening repeatedly to end your marriage because he isn’t taking responsibility for managing your anxiety for you = really really not fine.

ShatnersWig · 17/01/2018 08:35

Offred Agreed. Which is one of the reasons why I was asking the OP if, since last February, she has actively sought help for both her anxiety and her depression. If she hasn't, it does suggest she is quite happy to use it as a useful argument to control.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 17/01/2018 08:37

Well I think you both sound that you are working through your issues. All marriages have problems and you both want to solve it. Keep talking to each other and get help for the anxiety. I did and i’ve not looked back. I’m positively chilled now.

smileygrapefruit · 17/01/2018 09:17

Shatners, I thought you weren't ment to search people like that? As I've stated upthread he is a brilliant man. I am very lucky. I don't know where you got the post about leaving 3 year old unattended in bath? I don't recall writing that. We don't have a proper bath, only like a big baby one, and I have left the 3 year old for a matter of seconds while in the next room with younger siblings after telling her to keep singing so I can hear her. Not that that is at all relevant...

Yes, I have had help. I have had CBT and it was suggested there that I just asked DH to let me know if he was going to be later. I have also had years of antidepressants.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 17/01/2018 09:25

smiley I apologise if it's not the done thing but very often we see patterns of behaviour and people stuck in repeated cycles and not actually solving problems and very often it's taking the whole situation together that can provide a fuller picture (sometimes because an OP drip feeds or leaves out anything that doesn't help them get the answer they want to justify themselves).

I am glad you've sought help, truly, but I'm afraid the majority advice still stands. Wanting (twice) to end your marriage over this is extreme and OTT. It suggests to me that the help you've been receiving is perhaps not working as well as it should or perhaps other help might be better. CBT is supposed to be about managing your thoughts, not expecting others to do it for you. It is perfectly reasonable to ask you DH to let you know if he's going to be late. It is not reasonably to then want to leave the marriage or reduce him to tears because he didn't.

Offred · 17/01/2018 09:44

Why have you interpreted a suggestion you could ask DH to let you know when he was coming home as an entitlement to demand that he always without fail lets you know or you are going to leave him (with additional ‘I can’t sleep until you are home’ emotional blackmail)?

Offred · 17/01/2018 09:47

You can ask, that means it is ok for him to fail to sometimes cos his battery has died, or just because he forgets, or even that he can flat out say ‘no, I’m not going to do that because I don’t think it is going to help you manage your anxiety’.

smileygrapefruit · 17/01/2018 09:48

Offred, because if you read the OP, he was fully behind this suggestion and had promised me. And I do not emotional blackmail him about me sleeping or not, I know that is my problem and I have ways to keep myself occupied as long as I know he's safe. When it got to 3am on a Monday night (Tues morning) when he said he'd be Home between 11 and 12 I was really panicking.

OP posts:
Offred · 17/01/2018 09:51

Just because he promised to doesn’t mean it was right for him to promise that and it certainly doesn’t mean it is ok for you to feel like you want to end the marriage.

He promised to on the back of a time of extreme controlling behaviour coming from you. I doubt he was in a place where he was able to make a sensible choice that was in his best interests.

Offred · 17/01/2018 09:53

(It is not rational to be ‘really panicking’ about him being a few hours late and IMO it is exactly the reason why it was not sensible or helpful for him to agree to this plan in the first place because any deviation from it leads to you feeling your irrational anxiety is rational)

Offred · 17/01/2018 09:56

You understand surely that it is completely impossible to ‘know’ that someone is safe at all times and that if someone is generally trustworthy you need to give them a bit of leeway over the 4 times a year they go on a night out and get a bit drunk and come home a bit later than they said?

Offred · 17/01/2018 10:15

Have you considered that perhaps the reason he drinks to excess on occasion and feels he can’t stop when he is out is in part because of the pressure you are putting on him re your anxiety (on top of 12 hour days as a chef and having DC)?

Of course he is not going to ask a friend to borrow their phone to call you because that would be incredibly embarrassing for him, his friends knowing that you were waiting up for him and he had to report in like he is a teenager.

If you manage your sleeping better you won’t be awake to be worrying and panicking about no phone call/text.

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