worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

I was with a man like your husband once. Things were great 25% of the time and the rest of the 75% he was controlling, emotionally abusive and gaslighting me.

I stuck around for the good 25% And kept thinking if I could just find a way to make him understand why his behaviour was so upsetting to me then things might change. Surely once I found a way to make him realise and get through to him, he’d be sorry and become the man I believed I was in love with.

No.

Over the years it dawned on me that he would never change because how I felt didn’t actually matter to him. He didn’t care if I was happy, only that he was getting what he wanted. Making me happy wasn’t an incentive for him and never would be.

Also, he would never change because he liked being horrible to me. It made him feel good. That was a massive realisation. That was when I knew I had to leave or face a lifetime of the same bullshit.

It took me a while to get there. You’ll get there too. I found MN was a huge help to me during that time and helped to describe and explain his behaviour in the context of patterns of abuse. It was like so many lightbulbs going off.

I was resistant to it at first though. I didn’t want to accept that he was abusive and I was being abused. I wanted to come in here, have a moan about his arsehole behaviour and for everyone to tell me it was normal and relationships are hard work and he loves me really it’s just what men are like, etc.

But they didn’t. I heard some hard home truths. But once I knew he was controlling an abusive I couldn’t un-know it if you see what I mean. After my eyes were opened it was just a matter of time until I reached the threshold of what I was prepared to put up with. Perhaps you’re not there yet. But you’ll get there. Hopefully sooner rather than later before you get financially dependent on him or have DCs.

But for me things are good 80+% of the time...

Ribbon everyone has bad patches in a relationship, but that is not the same as abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse is none. Even if your H was only abusive and controlling 1% of the time it would be too much. And he will only get worse.

I understand but I'm still going to try to give it a go before deciding to walk away as there are lots of good things in our relationship and I don't want to throw that away yet

Doesn’t matter. It should be 100% or nothing.

20% abuse is 20% too much.

You probably think what you wrote in your OP wasn’t that bad which is why the replies you got have surprised you. But really, even the few examples you gave paint a picture of someone who is not nice and who doesn’t even seem to like you very much.

It’s so very obvious to those of us who have also been through it. Try and do some reading around the cycle of abuse and coercive control. I bet you’ll find a lot that resonates.

Hi Ohpleasenotthatagain. This is control. It is a form of abuse. He won't change - unless he is a very unusual case - because he enjoys the control. It will only develop.

If you own the house you're in a good position. Speak to Women's Aid. They will give you good advice about what your options are - hope that doesn't sound extreme. They are there for these kinds of control/emotional abuse situations as well as those where there is violence.

Me too at your stage in the relationship, but is that because 80% of the time you're doing what he wants. That's what I meant about watching to see if you moderate your behavior. He clearly feels able to freely 'put you right' about stuff (my h used to do the tap turning off thing too and the phone judging). Could you, would you be able to do the same back. If not, why not? Again, not judging you and really understand wanting to stay married, but things to think about maybe. Your original posts had a raw pain that I recognize. Your current posts are familiar too. Keep talking to your friends OP, don't lose them. And good luck with the counseling.

How can you actually quantify your relationship in terms of percentages i.e. 80% of the time you state that things are good. How did you arrive at such a figure in the first place?.

I do not think you know what a normal relationship is because no-one ever in your family of origin ever bothered to show you what that was like. Your parents between them taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons and those remain to this very day.

You remind me very much of the frog placed in boiling water; that analogy would be a good one for you to read.

NOTHING you have written at all about your H is good in any way. The problem you have here and I hope that counselling will help you with this is that after growing up with your abusive father, any man is better than him. It appears that you married this bloke to get away from your dad. Unfortunately you have simply repeated the past albeit it in different form and are now in a relationship with another abusive man, one of a different type to your dad but abusive all the same. To my mind the only real difference between your dad and this person is that your dad is also an alcoholic. Other than that, they are the self same.

This whole idea of throwing a relationship away is a fallacy. Do read up on the sunken costs fallacy in relationships and how problematic that is, it basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

because don't want him to think I waste loads of money on clothes, things for the house etc
Why not?
I'll tell you why.... because he's conditioned you to thinking that his way is the only way and the right way.
It's YOUR money. You can spend it how you want.
He's really done a number on you.
Once the scales have properly fallen please do come back.
We can advise you on how to get him out.

OP, since you want to stay with him, please police your boundaries:

• keep out of the mindset/language of him "letting you" have money - it's your wage, you earned it. Don't let his opinion about what you spend it on be the deciding factor - catch yourself when you're worrying about what he'll say.
• keep seeing your friends
• keep going to badminton. If he won't let you enjoy it, then he shouldn't go/join a different class. Keep something for yourself, have an independent hobby.
• keep using your phone, writing emails, keeping in touch with people.

Hold onto all these things and don't get persuaded into having dc any time soon.

Don't assume the first counsellor you see is right for you - don't be grateful - there is no harm in seeing a few different ones to get a feel for them

Very good advice. A friend of mine who is a counsellor told me that you should use the first two sessions to get an idea of whether this is the counsellor for you.

Are you going to ask him to apologise to your lovely friends for his rudeness?

Are you going to be on your phone when you are at his parents to give him a taste of his own medicine?

You aren't going to expect him to be polite to your friends and you wouldn't dare be on your phone while at his parents!!

As long as you play a meek, submissive role in your relationship he can behave unreasonably towards you as you have established a power imbalance.

Somewhere in the back of your mind there will be a voice giving you doubts and it will niggle you and you will try to ignore it. That's your gut feelings trying to come out and again you will try to ignore then. For every woman who has finally broken free from an abusive relationship (and I say finally because it's not easy at all) will tell you they wished they hadn't ignored that voice in the back of their mind or that gut feeling something wasn't right. You will have that feeling, it's your mind telling you this isn't right, please please please listen to it.

You have positives here; you own the house, you are earning some money, you still have contact with people and you've only been married 7 months (which I'm sure will make a difference when it comes to splitting assets.) Plus there are no children involved.

It took me months to break free from my abuser (luckily we didn't have kids together) because he was like heroine and I was addicted. I didn't love him, I wanted free of him but I would stay strong for a time (the time periods did get longer) then I would break, contact him, sleep with him then regret it straight away. Like a drug.

If you have children with him one day it is more than likely he will be jealous of the attention you give them.

It is your life. Not your friends life. Not his family's life. If you do ask him to leave, their opinion is irrelevant. They aren't the ones who have to live with him.

He's said he'll change now but he's already laid down the foundations of what he is like. He will be on best behaviour for a while to lure you back in and show you how good it can be, then all the little fickwit behaviours will creep back in. Only it will be a year further down the line and harder to leave.

Listen to that inner voice girl x

There are worse things than being alone, Ribbon. A relationship such as yours is one of them. Please don’t be desperate. You don’t need a man to be fulfilled.

coercive control

Read the last column. That’s your 20%. You are only 7 months into your marriage. How long before it is all your marriage.

I commented earlier in the thread but just came back to catch up and saw your update. Having been where you are now in regards to hoping that your h will follow through on his words and consistently change his behaviour I will say this. It is very unlikely to play out how you are wanting it to. I am not saying that an abusive individual can never change their behaviour, but doing so is a process which requires them to examine themselves and their lives from the inside out. It takes commitment, patience, self insight and time. Each of which are attributes which these such abusive / controlling / hugely insecure personalities generally lack. Even if your h does choose to do 'some' work on himself and for your relationship I imagine that it would be tough long term, for you to feel truly safe with him and be truly fulfilled in the relationship. Posters here are not attacking you, but are concerned by the story you shared with us. Your first post was written honestly and insightfully... are you genuinely able to say that about your posts from today? Personally, I hoped and gave chances. I ended up homeless and lost everything including my sense of self and career as a consequence. Your situation is your own, but I would not wish the same experiences on anyone.

Any relationship where you can think of apportioning good times to bad, particularly as a %, is a relationship in trouble.

But you’ve got to find your own way through this, Ribbon: and I know you will. I hope you will find time to check through some of the resources linked to on this thread. Make the most of counselling. Take nothing for granted. Good luck.

Please don't OP 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Like a pp said, would you drink a drink that was 99% your fave drink and 1% Dog poo?

Or 80% your fave drink as per your percentage of 'good times' and 20% Dog poo?

No. Didn't think so

Any abuse or control is too much.

OP, what worries me about your relationship is not the specific misbehaviours of your husband. What worries me is that you don't seem to have any understanding or experience of what a normal relationship would be like.

A normal partner would:

-Be very happy for you that you have two really good, old friends. Even if he couldn't personally stand them, he would understand their importance to you, and he would encourage you to see them as often as you wished. Because they are important to you, he loves you and he supports what is important to you.

-Be concerned, considerate and solicitous that you are warm and comfortable. He would take JOY in your happiness. Be scrupulously fair about money, because money is a shared benefit for both of you and he wants you to be happy. Because he loves you.

-Wish to share your triumphs at work and will support your career choices. Because you are his partner, he is interested in your life and he loves it when you are doing well and are happy.

-And IF he had a problem with jealousy or whatever, would explain it fully to you with apologies, and would even say something along the lines of 'just ignore me/tell me if I go over the top'. He would never, EVER suggest that it is anything other than his fault and his problem.

What you are describing is a man who is completely immersed in his own needs, feelings and thoughts, and doesn't actually care about you at all. You don't truly exist outside of his own self-reference. It seems to me that he is simply incapable of real, selfless love. He cares about you only as far as you enhance his needs, feelings and thoughts about himself.

OP, he will always be like this because this is him, all of him. Something went wrong when he was growing up - or whatever - and he is broken and damaged. You can't fix him. You CAN get away and find a real adult man to love, and to be loved by. This one can't do it, not with counseling, and certainly not from you trying to help him (you will make him worse). Deep down you know this. It is only your own childhood that makes you not listen to yourself.

OP, please see this man for what he is.

There's red flags everywhere.

You can't change him. He's horrible.

Why give it a go with such a dick head?! He's an abusive control freak and it will only get worse the further in to your marriage you get.

I think in a bit different way about your issue.
Firstly try to relax. Do your best in finding what is connecting you and what brings joy to your family. It is not that complicated and it can change everything. Relationships -as far as I know all the relationships need work on. Nothing stays the same. You need a good guidance and I am sure comments like 'leave him' are not leading to anything else as another set of problems...
Once you relax, he should relax and you should connect. And then discuss the issue saying what you like. Focusing on positives brings positives and vice versa.
Last thing - love yourself, be confident and have your interests and life. Become as attractive as you can. You can only benefit out of it.
Good luck!

Really agacia?

Yes he can't relax because OP is obviously too uptight.

Also she is struggling to have her own life due to her husbands controlling nature.

What a crock of shit.

Good 80% of the time.

So, that's the equivalent of saying 'he only acts like an arsehole for 1.5 days a week'

That sounds like fun.

agacia what a complete crock of shite.