worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

Just a couple of excerpts from that link I posted:

Cutting Off Your Support - In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends – sometimes even their family. If you talk to your friends or family, “The Loser” will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends.

No Outside Interests - “The Loser” will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others.

Paranoid Control - “The Loser” will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc.

Sounds familiar yet?

It's ok to make a mistake. If you have married the wrong man (and omg you really deserve better than this guy) then it's OK to have made a mistake You don't owe it to him or to anybody to lie in your bed forever.
It's a human right to make a mistake.
Also, Agree with cremeggs, don't lie to make life easier as it is more ammunition against you later.

And my life is better now than when I had to live with my dad.

Just because your dad was a level 10 abusive twat, doesn't mean a level 8 or level 6 abusive twat is acceptable. The acceptable level is ZERO abuse, ZERO control, ZERO walking on eggshells.

Make plans to leave before it gets worse, Ribbon, which it will.

Like others I see my x in your h.

My x thought I was greedy if I ate when he wasn't hungry.
All of his needs were met at my expense. And to begin with I sucked up a lot of things that weren't worth causing an argument over until I never ever dared vocalise a need, and if I did risk asserting ONE small need I'd be labelled cold and selfish.

OP the others are right. This man is a type.

My x didn't hit me. Until I had two DC. He worked his way up to that gradually. A shove. A shove and a shout. A shove and a poke and a shout. All the time saying to me and to himself that he never hit me.

He also used to act miserable if he didn't get his way so that I felt so guilty all the time.

My parents' parenting of me was shit too. They always disapproved of every idea or feeling I had that was my own and they used to tell me how I felt all the time. I met my x and the disapproval felt familiar.

Please leave him. I wish I'd read this thread or one like it before I got pregnant. He made my life hell for years when I got away but he couldn't have done that if we hadn't had children. NEVER merge existences permanently with this man by having his child.

ps, I know it's your house so I recommend getting friends to move in with you, telling him it's over, going to a solicitor. You will need the protection of friends in the house to get him to move out.

I had a version of him too....he used to demand that I leave the bathroom door open, regardless of the time of the month. Amongst other things.

Ribbon, he will not change. And he certainly will not change if he has nothing to lose. My advice would be to ask him to leave for a while to give you breathing space. His reaction will tell you how much respect he has for you. Make sure you have friends in the house when you do this. I suspect your ability to breath when he is not there will tell you all you need to know.

Don’t waste your life in this person. He is controlling you and that is the least of it. Individuals should have rights - including independence - within a relationship.

Get yourself out of this horrible situation as soon as you can.

...on this person

You are lucky to have Mumsnet.
When I was with my ex DH I didn't know about this place,Wish I had as I would have seen he was a controlling arsehole.

Leaving your DH is definitely the right thing to do....he won't change. Maybe improve a little at first but then he'll be back to his old ways. You know deep down this is not a healthy relationship.
Thank God you haven't got kids.

he used to demand that I leave the bathroom door open - there was a story I think in NY Times recently, where a woman described that the husband used to take a screwdriver and take the bathroom door off its hinges, as he 'missed her' when she was there. And after the work he had done on her, at the end she didn't even think this was unusual or any way odd..

He won't ever change op he might be contrite for a while and try and make you stay, but as soon as he's got the noose around your neck he go back to being the real him.
If you went to a divorce lawyer/counsellor/therapist/friend tomorrow and showed them your original post, they would all, without a doubt tell you to get out while you can (as has every single post on this thread) people aren't over reacting, they are genuinely concerned for you and your future if you stay with your husband.

Well done on booking counselling. Baby steps...

We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore.

From the article I linked: If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

Going to counseling for yourself is a good thing, if nothing else to build your sense of value and help you understand that you are worth so much more.

You can't control his behaviour, and you certainly can't change it. From what you've written it truly sounds as though there isn't a hope in hell that he'll change. Do you honestly believe that if tonight you ran a bath, bought yourself a new winter coat or popped out to see your friends without him he wouldn't react?

The power you have here is to say "no more".

Ribbon, I was married to someone who was just like your DH is, when I was young, I tried, and tried, giving up things, a job, and friends, just to make him happy. We would go through times when things were okay but the times when they weren't increased as time increased.
We were living as man and wife for 14 months when I decided to stop doing anything for him (practically wise) he left. The relief was immense, the sense of freedom of being able to live my life as I wanted was unimaginable.
This was all in the 1970's when attitudes were very different and I suffered criticism over kicking him out after such a short tme.
But d'you know what I have just celebrated my 40th wedding anniversary with my second husband, I have had a very happy marriage/life which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the view that my ex was never going to change, and that I deserved to have a shot at a happy future.
Go to your counselling, I found it very useful, and it made me able to think very clearly.
I can't lie it was very difficult (I liked his family) but when the dust had settled I realised it was for the best.
Good luck

I agree with PP that keeping a diary of some kind where you write every day how he has behaved towards you and how you feel, could help you see if he actually is putting in any effort to change or not.
Unfortunately men dont usually change within a relationship where they have been abusive. Theres no reason to because there has been no real consequence for their behaviour. Im sure some men can change but it takes actually really wanting to and actually putting in a lot of hard work. It doesnt really sound like your husband thinks he needs to do this. It sounds more like the very common thing of abusers making their bahaviour your problem by implying that you can get through it together and they just need more time and support.
If he honestly cared about you he would take himself away from you to protect you from his behaviour whilst he sought treatment for it.

And when you said earlier that he would never become violent because hes not that type of man im afraid that he IS that type of man. He is on one end of a spectrum of behaviour which has violence on the other. These things can and do escalate especially with added pressures like the birth of children.

Hopefully your counselling will help you see things more clearly and help you gather your strength.

This is sad and brings back terrible memories of my ex. He did the same. Less with the money side of things, but the same with contact, watching who I spoke with, being awkward with people important to me etc. It ended up me seeing friends and family on my own as he embarrassed me too much.
Ultimately he was controlling and then thought he could do what he wanted when he had worn me down. But I realised it was fake and he didn’t love me at all. He just wanted to control me and it wasn’t love at all. When I realised that I could escape.
Same is true here. This is not a loving marriage. He doesn’t love you like he should. He just wants to control you. Please don’t waste too much time with him, I did and you don’t get it back!

If your husband means it about changing, he won't mind if you take all your money out of the joint account. So do it, now.

I too felt sick reading this, but sick with fear that you are not taking on board what people are saying. End your marriage- you hoped it would help you escape your father, but he is jusT like your father.
His behaviour is NOT NORMAL
HE WILL NOT CHANGE
HE WILL DO EVERYTHING HE CAN TO GET YOU PREGNANT
He may not even be aware of his behaviour but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to treat you like this!
HE CANNOT CHANGE
YOU NEED TO END THIS MARRIAGE

iamafraid has nailed this.

In addition don’t think it’s your duty to save him. You can’t. You’re the one paying the price and it will get worse. If

Your path is so similar to mine.

I also got counselling because I wanted to know how to deal with my husbands behavour. I actually learnt that it was his issue not mine.

My husband said he would get counselling too and he did. But it became a stick to beat me with. He learnt about communication and told me I was a poor communicator, he learnt about childhood trauma and told me I was reacting to things that happened to me in my past, he learnt about forgiveness and told me I was holding on to the things he did wrong in the past and I needed to let go...

Get the picture here. He learnt the language of therapy and used it against me. All while telling himself he was now "recovered" and that everyone should just forgive him and move on. In fact he was now a smug abuser.

My counselling though was a life saver. Without it I would never have left.

I find it very worrying he's nice when you're sick... you are vulnerable and dependant on him then so he is happy? Don't have children with this man his behaviour will escalate. Look after yourself and start looking at protecting yourself financially so you have options.

I have an awful feeling that that the op will vanish off this thread and stay with him regardless of what everyone is saying.

I agree remember

I've shrunk back every time therapy has been mentioned for him and remember's experience is exactly why. Abuser therapy programmes teach abusers how to become more manipulative, more subversive, more controlling.

OP IF he gets himself into therapy please do not see it as a panacea: it generally isn't.

Morning. Just thought I'd update you. I managed to make some progress with my dh last night and finally got to the bottom of some of the reasons behind his behaviour. He's also joined a gym and is going on his own several times a week so that it doesn't always have to be with me. He agreed he was wrong about the bath and heating etc and won't do it again. I've also been suffering from bad anxiety recently and he was supportive about me getting help for that. We also talked about money and have sorted that out too.

I'm still wary and in my head have decided to give him 2 months and if he goes back to his old ways then that's it. But I want to try to make it work. My marriage is important to me.