worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

Please please please be hyper aware of his behavior and note EVERYTHING, not matter SMALL and seemingly insignificant.

Women in abbusive relationships tend to minimise just as you have been doing till now.

I appreciate this is very raw and you need time to get your head around how serious his behavior is but please frame the next 2 months a time for him to prove he is abbusive, not cling to it possibly being a little bit better short term whilst he does just enough to take the wind out of your sail but not enough for him to normal and not at all abbusive.

This made for chilling reading, all the more for the great responses from women who can see exactly how this will play out - having learnt the hard way.

OP, you are so young, don't lose your best years and spirit to this man. Because make no mistake, he will decimate your spirit, soul, sense of worth, and identity.. He has already started.

It makes for difficult reading, and sadly, you will probably give him chance after chance whilst he gradually lowers your bar of what is acceptable.

At least start making notes, and read all that's been suggested on here.
Please start to process that this is just the beginning, it is highly unlikely he will change, and any change will be temporary.

Don't disappear. This is one of those threads that is full of love, support and concern. Be kind to yourself and confide in your surrogate parents. Please do that Ribbon.

OK. So any man (and there seem to be a lot like this) who has these tendencies cam never change and will spend the rest of his life being a ? I can appreciate my dad will never change but that's bc he's too far down the path and hasn't been challenged on his behaviour... But surely there's some hope for my dh? Otherwise it's kind of sad thinking that people like this are beyond help....

Maybe I have portrayed him as a monster but he isn't. We do get on very well on so many levels and have good times together which is why I want to try to make it work.

I know most of you will come back to me saying I'm only saying this bc he's brainwashed me or something but that's not the case. I'm smart and having lived with my dad I know what these people do but I don't see a lot of it in my dh, only a little.

Anway, I'm going to give it a go. Maybe I'll be back on here in 6 months and you can tell me I told you so but I hope I won't be.

You will be, OP. Good luck anyway.

Please keep talking to us, OP. And please don't let your guard down. Now that you've had this talk and promises have been made by him it's even MORE important that you stay aware and alert and the diary suggestion is a good one. Keep that diary!!!

Cross posted with you, OP.

I can see your reasoning and I'm sure there are some people out there who can change - because they want to.

There is nothing stopping him doing this changing with you safely out of the way - and any decent person who really does wang to change andvus truly horrified af their behaviour will happily let you go while they work in themselves. I know you don't go, I know you'll stay. So - don't give him ammunition to use against you i.e. do not start rising to the bait if when he starts baiting you. Go to counselling - please do that. Squirrel away money - nothing wrong with having a secret pot of rainy day money. Keep that diary. Go out with your friends. Use your phone. Keep in touch with those closest to you. Stay safe!!!

My OH changed over the years. Admittedly so have I. It's not been an easy or smooth route, but I've always allowed myself the 'get out clause' and I think that helped. Even when the DDs were younger I knew if I wasn't feeling that there was overall improvement then I'd be off. It wouldn't have been easy or fun, but if it had been necessary then it would've been the lesser of two evils.

OK. So any man (and there seem to be a lot like this) who has these tendencies cam never change

I think the personality you've described strongly suggests a lack of willingness or caring to change, which I think are the main obstacles yes. You absolutely need to understand yourself, your actions, your partner and care enough to want to change your behaviours in order to do so. If he's got so little self-awareness that he hasn't realised his actions so far, and so little willingness to address it, then I'd be very dubious.

Of course you'll think it's because you haven't managed to describe/persuade him well enough and one day you'll hit on the magic form of words. It's possible I suppose, if that's the kind of relationship you want to spend your life on. It wouldn't be anywhere near enough for me.

ribbon

re your comment:-
"We do get on very well on so many levels and have good times together which is why I want to try to make it work".

How do you get on very well, when and what are these good times?.
Why is it your responsibility to make it work?. Is he exempt somehow, what about your H here and his responsibility to make things work?. Why is this on you?. You are smart but the sunken costs fallacy also at work here is causing you to make poor relationship decisions.

Are you still planning on seeing the counsellor?.

I have never called him a monster and many other posters have not used that word either to describe him. Your H is like this also because he can. You're his target now and he knew that your boundaries from the off were shot so he could exploit them.

Between he and your own abusive father, they have done a right number on you. The above thinking is codependency and that flawed thought process will be your downfall as well. I think you will be back on here well before the six months is up. I sincerely hope the scales will one day fall from your eyes because its a long way down into his pit and that is where he will and is taking you now.

Haven't got time to RTFT but for god's sake leave him and do not have children with him.

He sounds AWFUL.

Get out now while you still can. There are so many lovely men out there.

Good luck

This is has been a very tough thread to read. His behaviours are just awful and so controlling. I just can't see it's ever going yo go away. Even if he improves it will creep back and thst thought process in his mind will remain the same.
I've not much to add to others.

He might the the line for a short period but then the mask will slip.

I totally understand your need to try this before giving up but be csregul. Keep your independence, save money, keep using your phone exactly how you want to. Go and see your friends thst don't like him, live your life the way you really want yo in your heart not how you think you should to please or appease him. The moment you think "best not dh won't like it", you know you are flogging a dead horse.

Sorry to be do blunt but you sound like you have had a tough time. You frankly deserve better than this.

Ribbon of course the good times are good. They are usually amazing. Nobody would stay in such relationships if it wasn't for those amazing times.

Please go to counselling, and keep a diary. So you can read it when you start questioning if certain things really happened.

worried i may have married the wrong man
Yes, OP that is what you said only a couple of days ago and then you described your h very controlling behaviour.
Which set alarm bells off for 99% of us who read your post BUT all you have done as women on here have opened their hearts to you and practically begged you to listen to them, is: constantly defending him, every time .
Read back through this thread!
Everyone is scared for you and can recognise the early signs of a narcissistic abuser and every time you answer, you are defensive of him and his behaviour. Read it and see!!!
You haven't told anyone in RL about how he's been treating you, why not tell the friends who are like Mum and Dad to you or your other friends about his behaviour. Tell them that You are trying to work it out with him if you want but at least tell them. But you won't will you! Because you are hiding what he is like from your friends and why is this, because you know it's wrong and you know that they already suspect something isn't right with him. And you know that they are right.
You really, really need to go to this counselling and tell them exactly what you originally told us.

At the moment you appear to be his enabler in the destruction of yourself.

But surely there's some hope for my dh?

Ok this thought is so predictable from abuse victims. We’ve all been there

If we run with the idea that he can change, this requires self awareness on his part that he’s an abuser and that he can recognise everything he does that is abuse and be utterly horrified and repentant, not just ‘sorry’.

It also requires for him to want to change completely. What most of us who have been in your situation find is that they give the minimum they can to give hope but have not intentions of wanting to give up the power and control they have so this is a side step so they can continue in future.

Remember, they do this to validate their own self eorth, it’s how they cope with their life. This isn’t about you. So it’s extremely hard for them to change the essential make up of who they are and requires a sustainedly life long batte, there’s no magic switch and you’ll both be in this for life, not just a bit of effort for a month or two and it’s all suddenly fixed.

Even if all of that does happen, there will be relapses and a high risk that a small relapse will escalate and be permanent. If you aren’t able to have boundaries and be honest with yourself as to how horrendous the things you accepted till now are, what makes you think you’ll be any better when your lives become more and more enmeshed and you think it’s impossible to separate?

Oh God, he has really done a number on you.

good luck, OP. Stay safe, and please don't get pregnant with this awful cunt. You are at a crossroads, and you have a choice in the coming weeks- to go down a road that is repetitious of all of your past abuse, or to go down a road that allows you some freedom, finally, and the chance to fix whatever thought processes it is that drive you to abnormal; relationships like this. You can have a chance at happiness if you choose the second road. You will soon cease to be yourself, or to even know what happiness is in your warped existence, should you choose the first.
Choose well, Op.

My friends know about it.....
I have told them

I actually find it quite offensive that some of you are calling my dh a

it's mumsnet - everyone on the planet's been called a at some point or another by one poster or another.

Why not ignore the posts you find genuinely offensive and take on board the 99% of posts that have honest advice? I can understand deciding to choose not to and trying to justify it because of language used but that really is denial.

And the behaviours you described are at very very best, extremely selfish and controlling. Choose how you want to label that if you like.

Did you try and use underscores? I did too and they're not showing :)

I'm glad you updated us.

I can understand it is very hard to get to the point of leaving.

I would suggest that right now you don't have to think about leaving or whether or not your H can ever change or not, etc. (unless you feel ready for that). Instead focus on taking care of yourself. Because the more you take care of yourself, the healthier you will be (in every way) and the healthier your marriage will be. If it's possible for your H to be a good partner after all, you will be contributing to that if you take care of yourself. That means:

*yes to counselling for yourself. Do not bother with couples counselling, focus on yourself instead.

*yes to putting away a good chunk of savings for yourself. This is just a sensible thing that perfectly normal people in perfectly healthy relationships do. Don't let your H convince you you shouldn't do it.
*yes to keeping a diary. Privately.
*yes to being honest and open with friends you trust about your marriage, your H's behavior, and how you feel about it. My friends and family stood by me patiently through literally years of waffling on my part about whether I should leave, when I could leave, whether I was able to leave, blah blah. Maybe you won't have to leave. But if you've opened up to friends you'll have had support either way and that will help you.
*You are only 25 so DO NOT RUSH into having children. Please make sure your birth control is reliable. Even in a healthy marriage kids can have a huge impact and be really hard--there is no need for you guys to rush into this.

If you change your mind and feel ready to break free sooner, nothing wrong with that and none of the things above will get in your way!

Agree with everything @CousinKrispy just said.

OP

Try not to be offended - to be honest I think that that is probably the abused subconscious part of you not wanting to keep an open mind because to examine this with open eyes is painful.

I posted about one of my abusers on here years ago when I first found out I was pregnant. I ignored every single poster, all of whom said the same thing: get out!!!!

They were so right, and because of my co-dependency, mucked up boundaries etc etc I ignored them and I lived to regret it. The repercussions of me staying were huge, massive. It was a catalyst for me to finally self-destruct. I'm still living with the repercussions - I'm never going to get over it fully.

Every single person here is posting and talking to you because they genuinely care and are genuinely very concerned for you, and for GOOD reason.

If you need to step away for a few days. But please come back. Not onssingle person here is out to try to upset you - we are all out to stop yet another person have their soul systematically ground down to nothing.

No-one is 100% bad (or good), so you will have good, happy times of course. However, on balance, he sounds like a narcissistic, controlling bully - this is not an easy personality type to change as they do y see wrong in their behaviour.

My friend had just managed to extricate herself from marriage to someone like this, but sadly after 3 children, who are all suffering greatly now. Give it a go by all means, but don’t consider having a child yet - you are essential handing him so much power and another way to criticise you.

*don’t see