worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

@Ribbon14

You're getting some really well meaning advice here and people are outraged for you. And worried for you too.

I would call your husband an arse for the tap incident alone, not to mention the other stuff because how he is treating you right now is SO beyond ok.

Maybe this will make you realise that.

If this is not the right time for you to leave OP, then that's what's right for you now.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - it's your life & your decision.

Yes, you might well be back on here in 2/6/12 months - but don't see that as a defeat. Most people on here who have left their abusive partners after many, many years & having left and returned a number of times. We're just trying to save you that heartache.

But, if noes not the time for you, you have to do what you think is right.

Whatever you do, please come back to this thread & keep posting if you need to.
There's no shame in needing help & I can't tell you how much support I have gained from mumsnet via various names on here!

If he gets violent, & I know that you don't think he will, but if he does, please don't keep quiet...come back & we'll be here for you.
Good luck with your counselling x

It's not that he's brainwashed you, it's that you were trained from childhood of living with an abuser. So you're living with someone who is essentially a milder version of your dad. And who may well develop into the same.

You never answered whether he's agreed to make a concrete change about your "allowance" and the financial control. I'm assuming that he hasn't and you've backed away from asking for anything more than nebulous promises to do better. You have counselling booked already. Does he?

He's agreed I can spend what I like. He doesn't financially control me. We discuss all our finances together. And I have my own money in savings

So it's no longer the case he's "letting you have" £75?

And he's not going to comment or use facial expressions/body language to judge your spending?

No he's just letting me spend what I want out of joint account

You need to get paid into your own account

Hi Ribbon, It must have been a real shock to read all of our replies to your post. No one is criticising you, it's more frustration at the situation you are in. It's great that you've been able to talk about the financial control issues that he appears to have. It's good to hear that he is prepared to allow you to spend your money as you choose. At the end of the day, it's your life and you have to do what makes you happy. It's certainly not a relationship that I would want to be in and I desperately hope that my daughter never meets a man like your husband. Good luck with it all.

But surely there's some hope for my dh? Otherwise it's kind of sad thinking that people like this are beyond help

I know what you mean, OP. My ex-SIL has unpredictable explosive fits of rage to the point that he can no longer see his dd, and despite everything he's done, it breaks my heart because I like the rest of him.

However it is what it is. It is very, very hard to change ourselves and very few (if any) abusive people accept that they have a serious problem.

he's just letting me spend what I want out of joint account

Why do you use this expression, letting? You still act like he's your dad or boss who has the right to allow or forbid.

I fear his adjustment is only temporary. People like this don’t change.
Please don’t have children with this man. You should leave him and I think you know that.
Healthy relationships aren’t like this

I wouldn't expect to have the money put in my own account. He has his wages paid into joint account so why wouldn't I? OK maybe the term letting is wrong word. I just mean it's fine for me to spend what I like within reason.

Well, different people manage money differently. If the two of you truly have a healthy relationship around how the two of you spend money, having a joint-only account is fine.

I would suggest you consider putting some of your income into a separate savings account that is in your name only. For one thing, there's nothing wrong with doing that even in a healthy relationship. It might be a handy little fund to have for something in the future.

For another thing, while you are currently hoping for the best for your H's character and the future of your marriage, you have evidence from his previous behavior that he can be controlling about money. Maybe he never will be again ... great. But there is NOTHING wrong or unloving or uncommitted about looking at the facts here and saying, OK, I will sock money away into my own account for a period of 1 year and then re-examine how I feel about it.

If he tries to tell you that married couples never have separate money, or this demonstrates you don't love him enough or trust him and you are the problem ... it indicates something about his character.

He should be apologising (more than once, and more than in just words) for having been controlling about money, the taps, the temperature, your phone, your friends. He should be shocked to his core that he carried out such petty cruelties against you and should be asking himself "how can I ensure that I never, ever do this kind of thing again, AND it's up to Ribbon to decide if she trusts me fully again. I have broken her trust and it's up to her if she is willing to trust me again." He should NOT be saying "you should trust me 100% to never do it again now because I SAY I'll never do it again! If you don't trust me then it's because YOU are the one with the problem!" That is bullshit. Hopefully you won't get that from your H but I certainly got it from mine.

Good luck, we care about you.

Ribbon hugs to you firstly - it's a tough ride - but you will get there.
I'm curious if you have had any other boyfriends prior to your husband and how they treated you? Did you live with your husband before you got married - does he hold any religios views at all as this can impact on how a man may treat his wife.
I grew up with an alcoholic father - the damage is immense really - I was scared of men for a long time. The first boyfriend I had was when I was 24,- he was from Iran - his language skills where poor - but this suited me - my father was cold and distant and I never ever had a conversation with him growing up. Unsurprisingly my boyfriend abused me - he was controlling.
I found it difficult to relate to men - I had 10 years of psychotherapy - it helped in a lot of areas - growing up in alcoholic families we can feel and carry a lot of responsibility and shame. We can feel responsibly for others and there feelings but are not very good at looking after ourselves.
I meet someone else - he was lovely - the total opposite of my father - I could talk to him, he was good fun and he loved ME!!! I was grateful?
We didn't live together - got married - I didn't see any red flags at the time - I didn't know about them then - I got pregnant within 6 weeks - and hey ho - he comes home one day - he hit me over the head - I didn't ask him why - I didn't react - I just carried on as normal - ( this was the pattern of my child hood) - 10 years later I've just got him out - reported him to the police and now have a restraining order. Oh yes he was "sorry" "sorry and I won't do it again" - after every time he hit me - he'd go to counselling - but the counsellor was shit - or he'd go three times - he didn't want to talk about him hitting me in case counsellor called social services - it was always a secret and I felt responsibly and felt ashamed to tell anyone.
Reading these threads helped me a lot - slowly slowly your eyes will be opened.
You seem to have carried a lot in your life - it's good your letting more people know - sadly he is highly unlikely to change. Keep a diary and document his behaviours - he twists things - it's your home and your money - how DARE he try and control this. Do you check the joint account at all to ensure he's not moving money? Do not over trust this man. Go out with your friends - don't let him isolate you.
Don't assume the first counsellor you see is right for you - don't be grateful - there is no harm in seeing a few different ones to get a feel for them. Please get one from the BACP website - there are some cow boys out there!!!
What about your early life - was it stable - you seem mature in some ways. When you have time Google "adult children of alcoholics" - it may resonate with you.
The majority of people posting here have been in a similar situation - we really do know what we are talking about and just want to help to open your eyes.
Don't have a child with him - it's even harder to get away from them if you do and your tied by the child.
My husband and his mum where very close - he treated her well - that's meant to be a positive sign - in reality it wasn't - there relationship was too close - she damaged him along with his abusive close alcoholic father. He was taught early on to abuse women .
I wish you well - and if your issues stem back to your childhood you may want to consider some psychotherapy in the future.- the progress can take longer to deal with deep rooted issues.

It is in Op, we understand that you wish to give him a chance, many of us have done that with people.

It is your life and you are free to decide what you want.

If you ever need us again, we will be here for you.

Please make sure that over this next year that you are on bullet proof contraception, thinking injection, coil, that sort of thing. Just whilst you are seeing how things pan out for you.

Good luck with your chosen path.

Put a little aside into an account that only you have access to, just in case....

OP you said this earlier: But i still think I could be allowed more than £75 a month...

So it sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself it's better than it is.

Are you from a culture in which men are dominant? It sounds that way. Do you have any strong female friends you could turn to for help? Or the couple who are like surrogate parents?

It sounds like you need some strong support right now and I hope you find it.

Good luck with everything - your situation sounds very tough.

yes i lived with my dh for abut a year before we got married, he does;t have strong religious views. I had 1/2 boyfriends before but nothing serious.

I have my own savings account in my sole name. I also have some money in my own account still.

I don't think i need to be worried about contraception, it's really not an issue. 100% he would not tamper with it or force me to have a baby. he's not like that. he knows i'm not even keen on children anyway and has said he'd stay with me even if we don't have children.

I'm seeing a counsellor next week so hopefully that will start to help me

OP. It's hard, especially in the normality phase not to minimize and/or forget what's gone on. Look at the difference between your first post and your most recent. Please keep a record, as others have said. See how long you take to 'recover' after a bad incident. Watch yourself for moderating your behavior to avoid his disapproval. Notice if he apologises or if you have to raise the matter for his attention. Think about whether his apologies are of the 'I take responsibility and it won't happen again' variety OR if they come with buts and reasons that justify his behaviors. He can't be persuaded to change any more than you can be persuaded to leave. It has to come from within. Good luck in your counseling. Please post again if it happens again.

That's great that you've got counselling coming up. It can be a real help and I benefited a lot.

Best wishes.

Is he going to do any counselling?

Gosh, you got married so quickly, one year in is still the heady honeymoon phase of a relationship really, and very much still getting to know each other. How long have you been married now?

Sorry just seen you've been together 2.5 years, married 7 months. So not a year like I mis-read. But still not long and very much 'honeymoon phase', or should be, in my experience.

Wow op - good luck with everything. I commend you for trying to make your marriage work and i hope you get the outcome you want - whatever that is. Personally, i am of the belief that no one should be treated how your husband treats you - he sounds abhorent, but this is your marriage and no one else's, you get to decide if you want to stay with him or not, the rest of us can just advise and give you personal experiences that may help you along your way. Whether you choose to act on those is up to you as well.

Wish you good luck OP. Please stay in close contact with the 'mum' and 'dad' figures who have supported you so much in your life. Do no allow him to cut you off from them by creating drama around his relationship with them if you really want it to work, be honest with them. They love you and will support you.