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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH/DP had an affair would you like to know?

245 replies

niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:06

Just as simple as that. (full disclosure, I'm the OW by the way and have all the evidence). I don't think I'll ever tell her, but sometimes I feel she deserves to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 12:18

Well in case anybody cares they've told me I need even more therapy and stronger antidepressants.

And yes it stresses me out to think I need to look after two other kids who will most likely reject me. But I'm hoping that being in a new environment will give me peace.

My DD doesn't spend that much time with Granny she used to, but that created s super strong bond between them.

OP posts:
Battleax · 09/01/2018 12:20

How about parking the stepmother plans for a few weeks to give the ADs a chance to kick in?

WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 12:24

"And yes it stresses me out to think I need to look after two other kids who will most likely reject me. But I'm hoping that being in a new environment will give me peace"

^This HAS to be a wind up?

HorseItIntoMe · 09/01/2018 12:24

I’d want to know and I wouldn’t care who from

Just the quicker the better so I could stop living with a cheating liar

hungryhippo90 · 09/01/2018 12:43

What that situation will do is cause a lot of stress, and to be honest, even if it does happen the way you’ve been promised, which I don’t think it will, affairs often come out before they are supposed to, but his kids will probably start out disliking you, even if they don’t know it’s your fault their parents split up, they will believe it’s your fault they aren’t back together. For goodness sakes, you can’t be that naive

lilymty · 09/01/2018 12:55

I feel sorry for you that you actually think he will leave her for you. You just someone he can have sex with while he's bored with his marriage. Grow up and sort out yourself out.

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 09/01/2018 12:58

'they've told me I need even more therapy and stronger antidepressants.'

Not surprised, you sound pretty unwell. Hope the MH team come through for you and you get the help you need soon.

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 13:20

Well I really wanted something in the azepam family but wouldn't give me anything.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 09/01/2018 13:55

OP - im sorry but you dont sound well. Maybe you need to get away from all of this for a while, esp other man.

DarthNigel · 09/01/2018 14:06

Yes I would want to know. And I would t care if it were you or someone else that told me, but if it's your that does it, try to do it kindly-you owe that if nothing else.

ravenmum · 09/01/2018 14:33

I would have appreciated the OW providing me with proof of what I had guessed but could not prove. My ex was torturing me by blaming his weird, cold behaviour on things I'd said anything up to 18 years before.

Minime17 · 09/01/2018 15:55

Hmmm... I would want to know after the fact but not while I was still married to the guy.

ohdearohfear · 09/01/2018 15:57

in another thread you said you were south American unless I'm remebering a different thread?
you are absolutely a catch, apart from the decietfulness, selfishness, delusion and bitterness.
The MH issues is something I have been through myself, I was lonely, isolated, in the midst of post natal depression and a husband who did not care to spend a second with me and so I would never judge you on that however you need to work on getting yourself better not jumping into another relationship.

BrokenBattleDroid · 09/01/2018 16:01

It's starting to make sense why you are pursuing this relationship - it is really hard to make good healthy choices when you are in a bad place with self-esteem and mental health.

It's not without hope though. You can get everything back to a place that feels like life isn't falling apart, but not with this man in your life. He WILL make things spiral further put of control. There is no maybe about it, the pursuing of him, and any relationship with him will take you to a worse place.

Cut him off. Focus of your mental health. Your life is totally salvageable and proper happiness is out there, just not with him Flowers

JessYouMe · 09/01/2018 16:02

You're a hideous example for your daughter. I hope his poor wife leaves him and karma hits you both.

ravenmum · 09/01/2018 16:18

I would want to know after the fact but not while I was still married to the guy

I would have very much appreciated knowing during the fact so that I could have stopped sleeping with him, as he was having unprotected sex with a married woman. Not only this woman but her busband, her husband's mistresses etc. could all have passed on all sorts of crappy diseases to me.

SusanDelfino · 09/01/2018 19:23

I don't think the OP sounds like a nasty piece of work. I think she sounds very unwell. Extremely depressed.

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 19:42

I technically have hormone triggered anxiety that leads to depression. But basically I become everything under the MH umbrella for two weeks each month. After I get my period (and a few days in between) I'm the happiest most positive person on Earth :)

OP posts:
maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 22:00

Please think more of yourself....do not allow him to play you like this.If it is meant to be then it will all fall into place....but i honestly do not think it is likely. Why do you not give him a deadline? I hope you find some strength & courage to delete this idiot from you life. I wish you well xx

Princesspinkgirl · 09/01/2018 22:08

Sorry OP but its vile your sleeping with someone's partner how would you like it if someone did it to you disgusting

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 22:56

He has a deadline! Well he has a few....one is when I move out (in two weeks) so I expect him to actually fully pull the trigger no later than two weeks after that.

The other one is mid April when in theory he fully expects to be completely out of his house, custody sorted out so we can spend that weekend away together. If he doesn't, then he'll hear me for the second and last time (unless there's more drama in between). Six months would have passed since we started the affair by then. More than enough time I think.

OP posts:
IAmSamSamlAm · 09/01/2018 23:40

You're clearly very unwell, so I won't call you any names. I wouldn't wish this level of disordered thought on anybody.

BUT I'm so sad for your little DD.

I'll cross an ocean and start afresh. That might mean leaving my daughter behind because of custody, but frankly I don't even want to stay here. Everything around me just makes me feel so trapped.

This makes me feel so sad. Try and get better, for her, and you'll look back at this statement and be shocked you ever made it. I'm sure you love your DD.

HeelsHurt · 09/01/2018 23:51

I get severe PMT , I took meds for it myself . What I really don’t get is ever ever putting any sort of relationship above your kids . Whatever you currently think of yourself which sounds an almost get out clause your kids will not forgive you for leaving them.It might be sexist etc but I strongly believe the mother should be the biggest role if she can .
I notice you have mentioned a unsupportive Mum , try not to repeat.

Original poster
niteandfog · 10/01/2018 09:10

My mum was never unsupportive?? She is pretty awesome ! She worries about me and it's very hard for her to see me in pain when she's so far away. All I know is happy mother= happy child

OP posts:
TheSnowballFairy · 10/01/2018 09:13

op don't do this - you will regret it so much in future.

You don't really want to lose your DD over this.

I hope you get the help you need.