If your DH/DP had an affair would you like to know?

[niteandfog]

Just as simple as that. (full disclosure, I'm the OW by the way and have all the evidence). I don't think I'll ever tell her, but sometimes I feel she deserves to know.

YES. I absolutely would.

I will never understand women who don't want to know. Just because you don't know doesn't somehow make it so it's not happening. Asking to be left in the dark is just asking to live in a fiction, an unreal world. I can't be OK with that, because I don't see how it's possible to be a full, moral, responsible adult if you are deliberately avoiding reality.

The blame in these cases is too often placed at the door of the OW. Yet it's the partner who is the one who has broken vows and betrayed the relationship. Blame should be on their shoulders, in my view. Hating the OW or OM is just a way of diverting emotions from their proper place.

Sounds like it's a way to make your ex notice you or jealous noticing your comment? How did you to break up? Did he cheat on you??? If he did you should know how painful it is.

Actually I have read through all your posts. I don't think you want advice I think, you just want an argument about it. All the way through you have been trying, to justify why you should carry on. Why bother starting this thread and wasting our time?

Hating the other woman is impotent rage in order to preserve hope re the unfaithful party. It’s transference due to inability to cope with powerlessness. Its understandable but it’s not rational.

The idea that society expects the OW to protect an anonymous wife’s interests above her own, despite that wife’s interests being presented as impossible by the man involved (he doesn’t love his wife, etc) is a leap of altruism we do not expect in any other citizen behaviour. We don’t even have a positive obligation (in the UK) to help someone dying in the street in front of us let alone abandon limerance/love/happiness for the sake of a stranger’s potentially delusional dreams of their partner’s loyalty love or fidelity.

An OW who fails to resist temptation is similar to a shopper finding a bargain in a shop. She may not have a character flaw beyond any the wife may possess (although the OP here is appearing sociopathic I agree!)

However the idea of sisterhood falls down on basic analysis of how humans in society behave. Just like the idea of brotherhood falls down in war. If it were really felt that OW had thesr responsibilities (beyond the injured party) there would either be legal consequences applied (there aren’t, because society doesnt agree that it’s sufficiently bad behaviour to be included in any formal social contract) or be no need for law or law enforcement.

Far better to concentrate on what you now know about the man who contracted with you.
Your man is not helpless. He is not trapped (he found a way out). Your man may be a predator. He did not keep you safe. He is a coward. He relied on you to serve his marriage while he served himself. He lacks empathy and risked not only your humiliation but you losing respect for him. Your opinion of him is not strong enough a lure to keep him acting the way you’d like. The things he told the OW are not necessarily lies- the way he acted in your marriage may be lies. The only way to be sure is to make it financially and emotionally easy for him to remove himself from the marriage at any time and see if he voluntaily stays. But women who say with one breath that they’d rather their partner leave rather than stray and with another that they deserve the house and to be primary carer, and who just yell at the OW must see the logical impossibility of the position they are creating...

ladamanera apart from calling me a sociopath I fully agree with you. And sometimes there are no lies spun, simply because there are barely any conversations about it. Sometimes people just marry the wrong person and it takes a while to recognize that. I know in my case the everyday routine got muddled up with real compatibility, add kids to the mix and it becomes like an invisible cage.

ladamanera I don't understand your post. OP is the OW. The man in question isn't 'her man'. He's someone else's!

The “your man” part of the post wasnt directed to the OP, but to cheated on people (of whom I have been one by the way). I just dont think the rage towards the other woman does anything.

I would absolutely want to know, but concrete evidence is important. Most people will believe their spouses' word over the word of a stranger - a stranger who will inevitably be slagged off and called crazy and a bunny boiler by your spouse.

OP you need help not a relationship with a married man. See another Dr, spend some time focusing on you and your dd. I understand it's hard been away from family but wouldn't it be harder been away from your dd? You talk about cultures but you are American I doubt there will be differences that you can't overcome. Focus on your dd not yourself.

Yes i would. I caught an STI from a cheater so I'd want that info to protect myself.

Mrs i started a thread in aibu about stis and cheating partners take a look x
Op please look after yourself. This man doesnt have your interest at heart.

Either that or printout the screenshots and post them.

Are you sociopath?

Oh it’s you again! With your transition. I really hope it’s my dh you are screwing. You would be most welcome to him

I would want to know but only from DP/DH. I definitely would NOT want to hear it from OW and not only would I hate you for coming across as a smug bitch and telling me about it.

It is NOT your place to tell his DP/wife!

And if he isn't forthcoming in telling her then he isn't that certain he wants to leave the marriage or be with you.

Op I read your other post.
I thought you said you had both left your partners and your my had improved since you moved out (I think you mentioned around 4 weeks ago)
You have many posts about your marriage and this OM.
There are a lot of contradictory details among all of them.
I'm beginning to wonder if this has actually happened or whether you have much more serious my issues than you have let on and are actually making the whole thing up.
You sound very unhinged and you either lie of fabricate events.
Strange.

Tell her yourself and make sure hes there do he can't work his way out it u myt be ow and technically not in the wrong as ure single but hes not and thid women myt be devastated but she deserves to know and yeah she does sound twisted but in reality she's hurt he's back with wife with no problems and wife none the wiser

If he's lying to her, you can bet your bottom dollar he's lying to you.

I'm so freaking confused. You say you don't expect him to leave his wife and haven't given him that option. Yet you've given him deadlines.

There is so much contradictory information in this thread and from your other threads that you don't seem to want to acknowledge like for example his wife being ill.

Yes. It's guy wrenching to discover it. Even worse knowing you were lied to, health put at risk and that others knew and didn't tell you. It's utterly humiliating.