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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH/DP had an affair would you like to know?

245 replies

niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:06

Just as simple as that. (full disclosure, I'm the OW by the way and have all the evidence). I don't think I'll ever tell her, but sometimes I feel she deserves to know.

OP posts:
SummatFishyEre · 09/01/2018 08:14

Where is your self esteem and decency?

Battleax · 09/01/2018 08:15

As long as nobody knows the truth, what harm can it come from it? Sure, the wife will put two and two together, but the kids?

The wife IS a somebody. Quite an important somebody in this scenario who is already having a tough time.

I take it you're not struggling with guilt or shame to any degree?

Oblomov18 · 09/01/2018 08:18

Goodness. I am really shocked. Every time you post, it gets worse. The more you tell us, the more deluded you appear.

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 08:19

I've had guilt, but not anymore. She's not my responsibility. He's chosen everyday to betray her since he got in touch with me. I can see the pain in my husband and it has actually shown me he's a very noble man. Ive felt more guilt for the wife than my husband btw

OP posts:
OakIsBetterTho · 09/01/2018 08:24

Goodness me, you sound bloody horrible. I feel sorry for every poor person involved, except you and OM. Your DD will know it was an affair, his DC will know. Maybe not right now, but they'll find out somewhere along the line, I guarantee that, and I wouldn't underestimate the pain and damage that will cause them if I were you OP.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 08:27

Words fail me. Doesn't happen often

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 08:32

How would they know unless somebody openly tells them and even then... my dad supposedly was a womaniser but that had never really affected my relationship with him

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 08:33

I don't care if this is bad form.

OP on another thread recently you said this: After 8 years of marriage I've realised that not having pets is a deal breaker. We obviously have other issues but I don't want to spend the rest of my life without any fluffy animals to call my own

So why not get yourself a couple of fluffy animals and focus on them, your child and your own mental health for a while and learn about empathising with other human beings before spreading your legs for another married man or having a normal healthy relationship with someone who is available and doesn't have the same morals you clearly do.

Or actually, maybe you're both suited. There is an expression "morals of an alley cat". That's what you have. So he can be your pet, just without the fluffy bits.

Emabrmsca · 09/01/2018 08:38

I think you are disgusting. And deluded. Get some self respect!!

OakIsBetterTho · 09/01/2018 08:39

Because someone likely will openly tell them? I was the daughter of a man who definitely, absolutely, no way in hell did didn't have an affair with a close family friend, who he then left my mother for. We limped on for a short while, my respect for him firmly at zero and thoroughly despising her and although he was a vile man anyway, that affair was the catalyst for me stopping contact with him at 14. I'm now 23, and that all happened when I was 11.
My mum was endlessly impressive in her refusal to say a word against him, but that didn't apply to everyone. It won't in your case either, especially if you all live locally, which it sounds as f you do seeing as the wife's sister 'sneers' at you.

AintNoOtherFan · 09/01/2018 08:39

No good ever comes out of blended families where the couple started from an affair. His children will never accept you, they might tolerate you for the sake of having a relationship with their father but they will hold resentment.

Once the reality of day to day life happens if you and this man do end up together the novelty will wear off quickly for him because men like that enjoy the sneaking around and thrill of having his cake and eating it.

Sounds like he love bombed you too if he told you he loved you so soon. Relationships which start out very intensely like that at the beginning (saying I love you/making future plans) rarely pan out after the first flushes of love finish.

I'm not saying this out of judgment towards you, I'm saying it from experience...

Tred careful, especially as there are kids involved x

Battleax · 09/01/2018 08:43

I CBA to AS you, but am curious... do you have borderline personality disorder?

WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 08:44

I would want to know. My ex was caught kissing someone else by my best friend (confirmed by who he kissed, I was able to ask them as friend gave me their name). I'd suspected for a long time he was cheating (with various women over the years), but the more proof I found (dodgy texts etc), the more he got better at covering his tracks. He nearly had me convinced I was just paranoid bastard. Their whole life together is a lie, he's making a dick out of her, and could be exposing her to std's (he could be cheating with other women besides yourself).

Justbreathing · 09/01/2018 08:46

oh dear. you really need to spend some time on your own. do not jump into another relationship.
you knew you stbx a year before you got pregnant. and you still ended up with the wrong man...

you say youre taking things slowly. but it all seems very rushed.

if you try and force him to leave by telling her, you will forever be hated by everyone.

I would cut ties for now. and if he leaves his wife of his own volition then you can slowly think about starting something. this is the only way it could possibly work.

everything else is pissing in the snow. and everyone, you especially will be badly badly hurt

greendale17 · 09/01/2018 08:48

Yes I would want to know. Don’t care who tells me, I would want to know

constantchange · 09/01/2018 08:49

I would tell her if he doesn't keep his word

So you'd spite this innocent woman because you didn't get your own way?

we both had to grow up

I'm not sure you did very much growing up at all. You have some ways to go until you are grown up.

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 09/01/2018 08:51

The more you respond OP the more I'm questioning your mental health. The way you're viewing your situation and the lack of emotion towards his wife, your DH, isn't normal. I've had friends who have had affairs and they still feel guilt/empathy/remorse for the people getting hurt.

Of course his wife will find out you're together eventually! Of course his children will discover he left (although I doubt he will) their mother for you and of course people will put two and two together! You are seriously underestimating people!

Rather than channelling your time and energy in to an affair I think you need to focus on yourself and your mental health.

Battleax · 09/01/2018 08:53

Of course his wife will find out you're together eventually!

In fact, OP wants to tell her, by mutual friend or screenshots, which makes her later saying "As long as nobody knows the truth, what harm can it come from it? Sure, the wife will put two and two together, but the kids?" even stranger.

ohdearohfear · 09/01/2018 08:55

those of you who are saying some posters are being harsh on the OP, why don't you go read her previous threads and then tell us we're being harsh!
I think you and your other man deserve each other to be honest, boy will he get a dose of reality when he's with you full time.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 08:57

Really confused, OP.

You say he initiated contact 11 weeks ago. I make that around 1 November. Yet you were on MN on 7 November saying you were going to divorce your husband and were having an EA with this man and had already exchanged a few "I love yous".

On that same thread you said this:

*Now you're making me doubt myself (which I guess is the point of these threads). I remember when we kissed I got the hunch he was a serial cheater, so maybe , that's who he really is? What do they get out of romancing? originally I just wanted some fun on the side...

You even say that although you aren't friends with his wife you know her and are friendly to her!

I know you were in an unhappy marriage. You say he is verbally abusive but you also said you were aware from the start you shouldn't have married him but you did, and you went on to have a child and decided to work at the marriage anyway.

I don't know what your mental health issues are but I suspect they are considerable and you're clearly not telling the full truth on your threads.

I urge you to step away from MN, step away from this other man, leave your husband, work on your self esteem and MH with your counsellor (I suggest getting a new one, as I'm not sure this one is doing you much good), consult your GP about your medication and then and only then, when you are in a good and proper place, look at any sort of relationship.

Battleax · 09/01/2018 09:00

You sound a bit unanchored OP.

From reality, from other people, from your own feelings, not sure. Maybe all of the above.

I can't tell if you're posting to shock or to give yourself a steer.

Taylor22 · 09/01/2018 09:09

As long as nobody knows the truth, what harm can it come from it? Sure, the wife will put two and two together, but the kids?

You do know that both Exs would be well within their rights to tell the children truthfully why the marriage failed if they asked. I wouldn't lie for some dick and his hole.

And your right. You can love a parent past their mistakes.

But you?! Haha what loyalty do his children owe you.
Their aunt sneers at you? So how do you think these children will treat you and your child when they find out?
I've known the children of a broken home due to an affair. They hated the OW with a burning passion and eventually their Dad left her because he chose his children.

SandyY2K · 09/01/2018 09:10

I'd definitely want to know....however if the OW told me, in addition to getting divorced I'd make her wish she'd never done it with a special kind of revenge.... and she'd never knowingly be an OW after that in her life.

Actions have consequences.

WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 09:11

Wait I didn't rtft, had assumed you'd been lied to that he was single (my ex was good at that), had discovered the truth, and wanted to expose hin for the pick he is. Not that you wanted to tell the wife so you could have him for yourself! I agree his dc would dislike you, and he'd probably cheat on you too (if he isn't already with more women again). Where's your self esteem and morals? In the gutter? Is he still fucking his wife?

revengeongc · 09/01/2018 09:11

You sound like a sociopath.

HTH.